no_excuse_for_hate hsg It's becoming clearer. 110430 ... hsg it's_becoming_clearer 110430 ... Ouroboros I spent the evening cleaning out my closet, going through my desk, throwing away old papers, and putting photos in order. In the thick yellow mailer where I keep important letters and notes, I found my father's two letters to me. I reread them and wept. It has been so easy to hate my dad, to see all his faults, all the ways he is limited and cannot see me. But in these letters he wrote with love, and clarity. He sees me, very clearly. He spoke of my talents and where I need growth- and he was right. I realized that part of my having a hard time with routine and discipline is because I am rebelling from his voice in my head, his influence. I wept as I realized this. So much energy tied up in fighting him, without even realizing it. I don't need to fight that- I can have autonomy and do what's best for me while having routine and discipline. I can do what I need to every day, at the same times, and have it be OK, have it be helpful. I am not in danger of loosing myself by keeping routine. I love my father even more after reading those letters, and I feel so appreciative of him being my father. As I brushed my teeth I kept thinking about this, how the parts of myself that I really like, come from him. He modeled how to stay away from popular culture, how to appreciate great minds and works, how to make and enjoy food (and clean up after), how to get up early day after day and still have faith. All the other things are there, of course, his narrow-mindedness and my-way-or-the-highway attitude, but nothing is new with that. I know I have these parts of him in me too, and I am working to move past them. But for now, I am so grateful for how he helped raise me with appreciation of soul, and with the discipline and strictness that I required to function in this life. 110501 ... hsg Were you in danger of forgiving him? 110501 ... Ouroboros this is all part of forgiving- him, and myself 110501 ... unhinged i want to be a beacon but these days i'm feeling snuffed_out 110502 ... h|s|g it_will_be_OK a_walk_seems_to_help 111105 what's it to you? who go blather from