dicursions knot meat when we start off, we're all in good shape. the world is pleasure and pain, but at least the world is us. sure it ain't liveable but at least it feels nice for a while, being the center of things. we're even taken care of. somewhere along the lines other people fill our heads, our ends become overwhelmed by endless possible means. just holding them all within us is tiring, feels necessary, they all vie for space. eventually, you see that they would all go on struggling without you. the guilty mornings, the triumphant noons, the lazy midnights would all be the same. their accomplishments would parallel the wheel, would be new excitments and disappointments, but what's really changed? and for your part, what has really been added? do the smiles and the frowns still even out? are we moving towards some renaissance or are we faced with the prospect of no rest, and little peace in a mire of decisions and conflicts like all living things seem to be, down to their very nature. It's these times when i think the only freedom is to complete the process, to erase any centrality i feel in this story and to become subchapters or footnotes in everyone else's story. an adornment, a distraction in a world in which everything which seems necessary is not necessarily so. a world where nothing is unbearable. i could die on a night like this. and people would have to adjust their trajectories no doubt. perhaps more or perhaps less than i once hoped. but they would go on. and to what end? for another smile? another frown? is there anyone who i could not survive losing other than myself? isn't that the only prospect facing me which i could feel briefly for, before i surrender to the mad swarming of others mysteries and transparencies in my mind and become whatever they will use me for. if i die tonight, my only wish is that i could see how it would all turn out. 030321 ... skye perhaps with a giggle and a teardrop. a giggle for those who frown. and a teardrop for if you're gone. 071029 what's it to you? who go blather from