i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_25
unhinged lilly was rushing around the house to get ready for her gallery opening. it never got any easier. dennis had arranged plenty of them for her. they always went off without a hitch. she always sold her 'marketable' paintings in a snap. the newspaper critic always pointed out the ones that no one ever bought as her most cutting edge. she clipped the articles and mailed them to owen. he sent her flowers.

but even though she knew all of this would happen as sure as she knew the planet would continue to move in the sky, once again there was a good chance gavin wouldn't be there. lilly looked down at her engagement ring and twisted it so the stone was perfectly centered on her finger. in her mind, the big dark garnet was more perfect than any diamond she could have imagined. but as perfect as the ring was, ever since gavin had been able to afford it, things had slid down hill.

trane followed her close, whimpering. he had become perpetually whiny because lilly and gavin were never home. 'oh trane. i gotta leave again pup.' she reached down and gave him a quick scratch behind the ears that only made him whine louder. 'we have the day off tomorrow buddy. maybe we can all go play at the beach.' trane's ears perked at the word 'beach' and we went to the back door and peered up at his leash. 'dude you are killing me. not tonight. tomorrow.' she patted his head and he slid down into a laying position, dejected.

lilly ran upstairs to get her jewelry and shoes. she wore her black bauble that she bought with her first sales to every opening. it rested perfectly on her collarbone, filling out the canvas of her bare skin in the v of her dress. she reached up to play with it and make it sparkle.

her phone rang. it was gavin. she didn't answer. she would let him leave a message about why he couldn't show up again. she didn't want him to know how disappointed she was. she would be able to lie about it better when she got home. the phone beeped to let her know she had a voicemail.
she threw her phone in her purse, message unchecked and headed out the door. 		080317
...
c r 0 w l gavin closed his phone and stuffed it in his soiled chino work pants. the fabricated words he spoke to lilly on the message tasted like sour milk in his mouth and he knew if and when she listened to hear it she would hear the lie, another one to add to the compilation of his betrayal. he was never a good liar. he exuded all the telltale signs of distrust in his stammering, the long pauses between words, the way he always cleared his throat. she could almost hear him perspiring.

for the past month his work at cardiff by the sea took on vast responsibility. with the addition of reid as a member of the gardening staff, gavin was promoted to salary as grounds manager, which not only meant his work days were lengthened to twelve hours instead of eight, but his work week was extended to include saturdays, even an occasional sunday, which they both were totally against. at first lilly and he enjoyed the abundant flow of extra cash, using it like giddy lottery winners to buy a new computer, clothes, and furniture. but like most people with money, they grew bored and a bit resentful of it, realizing what they actually desired held no monetary value and was the very thing oozing like blood from a wound suffered within their relationship.

the first time lilly had a show gavin made sure to be there. he was so extremely proud of her talent and was stunned at the crowd and how receptive they were of her cutting edge artwork. his head spun at the number of paintings she sold and watching her in her slinky black dress and sparkling jewelery mingling with several of L.A.'s topknotch gallery owners and art dealers filled him with intense admiration and delight. the following show came on a saturday afternoon, the same day the resort was hosting a celebrity wedding party. gavin's presence was vital. lilly understood. two weeks later, he had to tell her he couldn't make it because a truckload of silver saw palms were arriving. then the next show, he had to arrange the garden design for a fashion show runway tent. but, the one she was so excited about and had been anticipating for weeks, a saturday evening show at "down the rabbit hole" in west hollywood was the one he had just called to tell her he couldn't make.

earlier that day, he had completed an installation of plantings around the frontside pool and was arranging tools in the truck to take back to the gardener's shed when the general manager approached him.

"hey gavin, beautiful work in those new pots. i love those gardenia," he said, flicking a svelte pen on and off with his right hand.

"thanks, rod," gavin said, throwing a shovel into the bed of the pick-up. "their fragrance is amazing."

"hey, i got a huge favor to ask of you. i know it's saturday night and this is extremely short notice and all, but there's a rep coming from the cardiff's new project that's currently being built near big sur," rod brought his other hand to his mouth and brushed it across his tightly shorn stubble. "she's leaving town tomorrow and wanted to know if she could meet with you tonight to talk about landscape design ideas. i guess she's butting heads with the architect and she loves what you've done around here."

"um..." gavin said, remembering lilly's show. "i can't. my fiance is having a gallery show and i'm going to be meeting her there later. i'm really sorry, maybe we can just talk over the phone."

"well, you see gavin," rod said, stepping closer to him and burning a hole into his eyes. "this is huge." he sucked air into his cheeks and gritted his teeth. "if you do this for me, i promise, i'll make it up to you." gavin's gaze dropped to the ground. his heart sank.

rod dug into the suit pocket at his breast and produced a small black leather organizer. he opened it and took a few items from it, scrawled some information on a small piece of paper and handed the contents to gavin. "thanks, man. i really appreciate it," rod said. he reached out and gave gavin a firm pat on his shoulder and then turned around and left.

gavin swallowed hard and already began attempting the lame explanation he would give lilly. he opened the piece of paper. there was two one hundred dollar bills and a business card. he read the note:

"thanks, gavin. i owe you."

and then he read the business card:

MAGGIE PEROULT
GENERAL MANAGER
CARDIFF BY THE SEA, BIG SUR, CA. 93920
831-765-9811 		080318
...
unhinged down the rabbit hole was the kind of place that made lilly's skin crawl. when dennis helped book her show there and sent her the link of their website, the word no almost escaped her lips before she could think to stop it. but, lilly was fast learning dennis was not used to hearing the word no.

the gallery was everything about southern california that lilly hated. the glitz, the glamour, the obscene amounts of cash, the paparazzi; all of it made her stomach turn. she was so depending on gavin to be there to remind her why she was showing at a place like that.

dennis' sales pitch echoed in her head 'showing at down the rabbit hole will give you things you've never imagined dear. you will be able to make people wait for you. that kind of power is rare for an artist, indeed.'

in her typical contrary fashion, lilly left all her avant garde paintings at home for her west hollywood debut. she was inspecting the gallery one final time before the opening when dennis glided up to her out of nowhere.

'my stubborn head_strong painter strikes again. where are all your abstracts?'

the barely concealed agitation in dennis' voice made lilly smirk. the smirk threatened to bust into a full fledged grin as he started to tap his toe impatiently. 'i left them at home.'

'obviously. i went to a lot of trouble to procure this opportunity for you. i will not tell you what to paint, but,' dennis grabbed her arm to force eye contact between them 'i will not be made to look like a fool in public.' he turned on his heel and walked out the door.

lilly started to tremble slightly. the vague threat in dennis' voice unnerved her. for the millionth time since she met him, lilly doubted her involvement with dennis browne.

the curator approached lilly. 'is everything in place to your liking?'

'i don't know. this wall over here feels wrong.' lilly pointed at the wall of beachscape details. as she turned towards it, she noticed that the arrangement mirrored the arrangement on the opposite wall. 'oh shit. could you help me?'

the curator appeared caught off guard. 'well, i usually don't....'

'i know. but my fiance was supposed to be here and got caught at work AGAIN.' lilly reached up to wipe away a stray tear the fell before she could stop it.

thrown off by the heart on lilly's sleeve and having overheard dennis' veiled threat the curator started at the opposite end of the wall and removed some paintings. 'here, like this.' and like a professional blackjack dealer, the curator rearranged the paintings in a flash.

'wow. yeah. maybe those two should be switched.' lilly pointed at two paintings almost as far away as they could get from each other. she moved them herself.

'oh, exactly. we make a good team. my name is becky.' she stuck out her hand to lilly.

'lilly. thanks so much. this show has really been stressing me out.'

'i like your stuff lilly. i usually don't like the work we show here.' she winked at lilly. 'i had been looking at this wall all week. i actually didn't come up with it off the top of my head, but the artist never asks for my help.'

'well, i'm not from around here. i'm not afraid to ask for help. i should be more careful about that actually.'

'or move as far away from l.a. as you can. how did you meet dennis browne?'

'my fiance randomly hitched a ride with him a few months back.'

'huh.' becky turned back towards the facing wall and then back to the wall they had just rearranged. 'it feels like waves now.'

'it does doesn't it?' lilly impulsively hugged becky. after the initial shock, becky squeezed back.




the crowd was exactly what lilly had expected and feared. designer fashion in every last detail of their outfits, imperious nonverbal reactions, feigned interest. rich california versions of the scenesters she knew back home. the gallery was just another place for other people to see them.

but after the initial wave of guests worked through a couple glasses of wine, people started to stop in front of paintings to contemplate. people walking by on the street were drawn in by the flowers in the front window. armani mingled with old navy. people started to whisper to each other.

'what is that? i mean what kind of flower?'

'i wonder what beach that was painted from.'

'the blurry detail adds hints of universality to the work.'

'that one would look good in the bathroom.' 		080627
...
c r 0 w l gavin unceremoniously folded up the ben franklins and set them in his wallet alongside another $200 worth of twenties and tens. also glued with sweat to the money was a poem he wrote to lilly that he titled, "everyday surprise"

"we began with tickets purchased
from arduous hours of working without lights.
tired, but unable to sleep;
grateful for the memory of dream.

we wake and spin the wheel.
we drink the earth,
spitting out the seeds,
watching birds carry them away.

months later,
after a winter's sleep, life returns.

then:

a snow day comes in imperceptible fun;
the elegiac type."

it wasn't the first time rod bribed or coerced him with a favor. he dug his phone out of his pocket and dialed maggie's number caveman style. he thought about lilly without him and he felt like there were cuts, rips, and jagged tears in his soul.

her voice mail picked up immediately.

"fuck this shit," gavin said, waiting, listening. he cleared his throat and mentally went over what he would say. he figured it must be a reputable selection of curt, but precise and eloquent phrases. a valiant, team effort, attempting to come across as a professional. however, he couldn't help but confront the idea of himself cut-out as an image cut and pasted into her life not as an element of work, but as an individual. as a flesh, bone, blood, thought being. one on one. and this is why it scared him to be apart from lilly.

"this is maggie at cardiff by the sea, big sur... i'm temporarily unavailable. please leave me a message. bye."

"...um, hey...this is gavin, i'm the gardener with rod's cardiff by the sea and rod told me that..."

the phone clicked.

"hello!" maggie said, unexpectedly cheerful and engaging. "i was looking forward to your call."

"well, good," gavin said."i hear you would like to meet concerning some garden ideas for the new resort?"

"absolutely. i really love what you've done at your place. when can i meet you?"

gavin thought for a moment. he was really digging maggie's voice. it sounded smart, with a hint of confidence, but uncharacteristically shy.

"when's good for you?" gavin asked, slurring his own surfer drawl from the horse-pulling exhaustion of the work day.

"how about 7:00? could you meet meet me at the
water grill on grand?"

gavin knew the water grill. "sure. see you then."

"ok. bye." 		080627
...
unhinged the gallery was finally quiet. lilly stood in the middle of the room glancing at all the dots marking the reserved paintings. statistically, only about half of them would probably end up selling, but even then the amount of money she would make made her head reel. she rubbed her eyes leaving smudges of mascara and held herself. tears welled to her eyes at the thought that gavin wasn't here to revel in her success. the accomplishment felt empty without him.

'well well. you did much better than i expected.' dennis' voice came from behind her and startled her. lost in her sadness, she hadn't heard him approach.

'contrary to your belief dennis, i do know what i'm doing.'

'if it was anyone else, i would be insulted. but, i look forward to your biting honesty.' dennis placed a hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it off. 'gavin never made it tonight.' a cold statement of fact.

lilly turned to glare at him. 'he had to work late. of course. that always seems to happen on gallery openings.' lilly was beginning to grow suspcious of the seeming coincidence.

'yes, that does always seem to happen doesn't it? would you like a ride home?'

'yes. i thought maybe he'd make it in time to take me home. i don't get what he could possibly be doing so late.'


she was monosyllabic on the ride home. at some point, dennis just let her be. when she got home, trane started barking. gavin's car was still gone.

'where the fuck is he?' she grabbed trane's leash. 'let's go for a walk boy.' he eagerly licked her hand. 		080628
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
from