unavailable jane what the hell is wrong with me? do i only want people when they want me? and then i'm willing to give them everything? it's like i've dammed up my love and the second someone takes a cork out of a small hole, i'm gushing affection and feelings all over them. it's got to be overwhelming. i hate that i'm like this. maybe that's why i prefer a relationship. it's established, stable. you know who you can trust. new people are the unknown. how do they kiss/caress/fuck? what happens if i say 'i love you' too soon? what happens if i touch someone and they don't like being touched? if they notice things as aggressively as i do, the way someone has a line on a tooth or a hair on a lip. am i to be disgusted by these things? will they be disgusted by mine? do i only like this person because they'll be gone in two weeks? should i fall in love again? have they ever been in love? have you? i just started getting over the last one. it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. i'm going to stay away from everyone. 120816 ... j so quickly i turn upon the one thing i've been known to believe in. 120820 ... unhinged you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. you don't get to be my 'friend' and share all the intimate details of your new relationship. you walked out on me over and over. you were too afraid to step up for me and be what i needed. but somehow i should remain perennially available to you. i can't tell you how important you were to me. we always end up arguing about my feelings. i don't want to argue about how i feel. there really isn't any rhyme or reason to it anyways. my feelings well up from some unnamed place in me that often times defies logic. i lost friends over you. my friends couldn't understand why i continued to allow you to break my heart into nervous rattling pieces. i tried to walk away. i found a relatively good man. i literally walked 1700 miles. you are still a shadowing monolith in my life. the year i spent with him is a vague memory, a dream that i had so long ago only blurry fragments bleed through. you changed things for me i thought could never be changed. you continued the same tired story that everyone that knows me is sick of hearing. somehow i cave to you, every single time even though my rational mind knows better. i needed comfort and you were there...for once. but i will not hear about your new girlfriend. i will not hear about how many orgasms you can give her, i will not hear about living with her, i will not hear about how you saved her from the asshole that beat her up. i will not hear about all the things that make her better than me so that you can stand by her when i have spent so much time in the past three years wondering why i wasn't good enough for you to stick around for; the excuse that i am too good for you rings hollow. i am all alone, miserable, and unavailable for comment. 120829 ... unhinged i wish i didn't need to keep reminding myself of the bad times 130524 ... raze historically, most of the people i've burned for have lived in an emotional country i can never visit. they always jammed me up at the border and found some excuse not to let me through. but if i could have what i wanted, exactly the way i thought i wanted it, would i still want it? 130524 ... raze i just won't be a flame anymore, and so i won't burn for anyone. 130524 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I feel a bit bad about being this way. A student from McGill wrote me a message back in October about a story I'd started writing a long time ago on FanFiction, asking me if she could interview me for her paper, and I only saw it yesterday. It wasn't really my fault. For some reason, the site doesn't send me messages via email anymore when a new comment is posted, and I haven't visited the thing in awhile. And I'm not sure I'll finish that thing anyway. It seemed fun before, but now it doesn't. I'm too serious now; I write useful edifying things on the sexual_tension between politics and geometry. I wrote her a message, though, saying what I thought of X character, and that she could email me if she liked. 140110 ... e_o_i November, not October. Same_difference. 140110 ... unhinged to be fair, you did say that you wanted us to be friends, that we were getting to know each other (right before you took me to your bed). you did tell me you had problems with commitment (right after you gave me jewelry). to be fair, i don't need to have a friendship with someone i can't share my feelings with. i am not looking for shallow on the surface relationships of any sort. 140111 what's it to you? who go blather from