misread e_o_i Through the rain, the sign seemed to say that today was Quebec's "Fête rationale" instead of "nationale." 140624 ... leif I watched a musical last night where the phrase 'gentle personality' was used to describe a character...but the diction was off, and I had the distinct pleasure of mishearing 'genital personality'. 140625 ... raze i keep seeing "crystalline_heat" as "crystalline heart" and thinking how painful that would be to stare at in the sun. 140627 ... raze there was a sign that said "build to suit". from one angle the u looked like an h, so for a second before my brain adjusted i thought it said "build to shit". and i thought, "well, that's one reason to build something, though you wouldn't want to make it too large." 140628 ... e_o_i A book in the library that I was branding with the symbol of the ranch; unlike the majority, which are religion and philosophy cows, this one was a Canadian history cattle of fish. Glancing at the flyleaf I thought I read that it was about Tommy Douglas, a politician and "Canada's father of mediocre." I thought that was pretty harsh for a bio - even one about a politician - until I looked at it again and saw that Tommy Douglas was "Canada's father of medicare." (I felt a bit ignorant, too, since I'd never heard of him before, or if I had (in high school, probably) I'd forgotten.) 140709 ... e_o_i And in a magazine an ad for lube in dissolving gel-pellet form - for the human vagina, not a car vagina (cars are women in French) - that had text I read as "Now you don't have to be gay!" It was "dry," not "gay," of course, but I tried to find a way to make my first reading make sense. I thought, Well, mouths are wetter than penises, so I guess that woman-to-woman sex of that sort would be more tolerable to the sadly-less-gooey Inner Sanctum of Adjectival Mystery... but wait a minute! Men have mouths too! It doesn't make sense! (Because I get very upset when things don't make sense.) 140709 ... raze i read something that said, "what pace should i run in the heat?" and instead my brain made me see, "what place should i ruin in the heat?" i think i like it my way better. 140727 ... e_o_i I was walking past the sports section of a newspaper recently, and in a very quick glance my mind absorbed "Glue Sticks Tight to Atheism." While I can't recall the exact headline, it was something about a golfer raising money for autism programs. 140728 ... raze in a youtube comment someone wrote what i first read as: "if no one agrees, that's fine. if everyone does, it's a bruise." in skimming and not giving my eyes enough time to make sense of the words, i saw "bruise" where they'd written "bonus". once again, i think i like the mistake better than the reality. 141001 ... raze i feel bad for laughing at this, and it isn't an indication of the true intelligence of the person in question, but i couldn't help myself. i think it also belongs on the hypothetical list of "so bad they're good typos". a friend was showing me some dating website i can't remember the name of, and on the "about me" section of one person's profile i saw they'd written this: "ask me anything. i'm a poen book." for a second i thought it said "poem book", and i thought, "hey, i like that. you're a book of poems." but that wasn't it. it was meant to be open, and two letters ended up in the wrong place, and i lost it. poen. sometimes i really can't explain the things that make me laugh. 141122 ... raze "CAUTION: FIRE TRUCKS BURNING" when even the vehicles that are supposed to put out fires are on fire, how can you have any hope? 150820 ... raze got one of those spam emails from ello. the subject line is "product update", but my half-awake eyes first saw it as "profound update". 160913 ... e_o_i I was just thinking of this page! I was skimming over Twitter yesterday for work (or rather, taking a break while trying to think of a tweet) and I read "McGill Library" as "Porn Library." I don't know how. Maybe letters from something above and below it. Maybe I just have a dirty unconscious mind. 160916 ... raze "hot entrées", a brochure for a new mandarin restaurant said, and for a split-second my brain saw "hot enemies" instead. if you can't beat them, lust after them? 181019 ... unhinged turns out i was just the fuck buddy yet again 181020 ... unhinged or he was drunk and didn't mean exactly what he said alcohol sucks like that 181020 ... unhinged overreacted it's strange to be with someone that doesn't run away when things get tough 181021 ... raze a section of a nine-year-old newspaper was sitting on the dining room table (there was a good reason for keeping it, believe me). i sat down to eat lunch without my glasses on and out of the corner of my eye saw a headline that said: "love's sale cancelled". upon closer inspection the v was a w. i like it my way better. 190122 ... e_o_i "patronage" as "bromance" in a newspaper headline They don't even look that alike! And I'd just been rereading Pride and Prejudice too. 210701 ... raze i looked at the "yesterday" column on the recent page and saw a blathe called "a horse becomes a home". and i thought, "huh. that's weird. i don't remember writing that. what a weird turn of phrase." it says "house". not "horse". a_horse_of_course is a horse, but there isn't one here. or at least there wasn't one here yesterday. 210903 ... raze i_woke_up to an email from old navy that said: "you're not dreaming: $9 pjs for your titties today." and my brain said, "*what* did you just say to me?" my eyes weren't awake enough to read what i was seeing. it was "littles". pjs for my littles. alas, i don't have any children, so this sale doesn't do me much good. 210924 ... tender_square "we sell crack and pecans." (it actually said, "we sell and crack pecans.") 220515 ... raze i got an email from zoom today and saw this: "need to working from home? zoom can help!" it says "new". not "need". i guess my brain wants to see broken english even when all the parts fit together fine. 220605 ... e_o_i From a poetry book, I turned "I envy his tangible outputs" into "I envy his tangible octopus." And today, for a fraction of a second, I was surprised to see that I'd scrawled "design fliers for Satan" on a to-do list. (The word was "Salon," the name for the fall craft fair.) 220707 ... e_o_i Just now: blather_erotica as blather_croatia A red re-creation, or a virtual version of Croatia? E.g. did you know that the hit HBO series Half Asleep Thoughts was filmed in Blather Dubrovnik? All those castles proved useful. And the Island of Van Morrison. (The scene where Danaerys refused to hug Bran because she supposedly had diabetes left some viewers confused, but what can you do?) 220722 ... raze i was reading a little too fast, and "linguine with shrimp" became "lingerie with shrimp". i_mean, technically it's still a meal. it's just a little on the sultry side. 220921 ... tender_square "solid rock church" became "rock solid church" when i spotted the huge silica statue of jesus in front of a man-made pond. 221119 ... tender_square i legitimately thought a sign outside of sooters photography said "crappy new year" (perhaps i'm projecting much?) 221227 ... past i initially read empire_records as entire_records and, you know what, tender_square's story fits both titles. 221227 ... raze she wrote, "thrust that cheese." i read it as "trust." if you can't trust cheese, what *can* you rely on? 230106 ... e_o_i "lexical development" as "lexical deodorant" (one's words need to smell non-sweaty, after all) 230223 ... raze "clover can be very difficult to educate." (the word in question was "eradicate". my eyes had more academic ideas.) 230321 ... e_o_i LOVERS canal tour as LOVERS carnal tour (as if "lovers" is entirely in a sexual way) 230520 ... raze i got an email from a place i once ordered guitar strings from and saw this: "fuck your way to perfection." it was "pluck". not "fuck". alas. 230721 ... tender_square i did a double-take with a provincial bid list when i thought a municipality was named "village of slutridge." (turns out it was "village of sunridge.") 230824 ... raze "old navy hot hall" appeared to me as "old navy *nut* hall". sometimes we see what we want to see. 230902 ... past i could of sworn the blathe titled "regrets" was rather "je_ne_regrette_rien". the striving towards bilingual brain after writing and reading too much too early in the second language. 231004 ... raze i looked at a post-it note and saw a reminder to get the ingredients for "homemade jesus cups". there were a few very confusing seconds until i worked out that the word i'd written was "jell-o". 231016 ... raze "passing years" became "pissing years". no wonder i have a hard time making it through the night without having to get up to take a leak at some point, when that never used to be a thing. 231109 ... raze i swear i saw "salad_dressing" as "smoo dressing" just now. 231125 ... raze clicking "go" brought me to marconi_radio_messaging, and for a second i thought it said "macaroni". 231214 ... e_o_i Someone saying it's their one-year anniversary of being "dictator" of a magazine. Director, Kirsten. Director. 231228 ... raze "handful of oats" became "handful of goats". 240122 ... raze my tired eyes just read "unpopular_opinion" as "unpopular onion", and i thought, "poor onion. it just needs a friend." 240207 ... epitome of incomprehensibility (Onions ARE rather unpopular. I don't know why I didn't put them in slightly_disliked_vegetables. Maybe because they're a weird case for me: cooked ones I love, but I find raw ones too strong except in tiny pieces.) 240208 ... e_o_i (Ah, because that was THREE_slightly_disliked_vegetables. And here I was thinking I hadn't misread anything lately.) 240208 ... raze change_one_letter, and "transform your tone" becomes one toe's superhero origin story. 240216 ... raze i keep reading shower_cap as shower crap and thinking, "well, pooping has to happen somewhere." 240310 ... raze i don't know how, but my brain managed to warp "tap into savings" into "tago mago mood swing". i'm gonna give my despair. 240314 ... raze i looked at my own blathe from yesterday just now, and instead of a_century_between_us, i saw: "a cemetery between us." (morbid much, brain?) 240410 ... e_o_i "Christian compassion" yesterday as "Christian constipation." That's what happens when you're straining to poop and your side-eye catches the back of your parents' Christian magazine. I could be "agnostic constipation"! Where it's not about (not) pooping or (not) religioning anymore, but about being unsure of things and having difficulty making decisions. 240605 ... raze every time i look at the square of a city-distributed calendar that asks, "is your cart acceptable?" the r goes missing, and i see a cat. 240608 ... raze shirley jackson's "we have always lived in the castle" became "we *haven't* always lived in the castle". and i thought, "where did you live before?" 240626 ... raze i was reading a comment about the movie "hard candy". i almost choked on my cereal when my eyes scanned this sentence: "i loved that they castrated patrick wilson." i read it again. the word was "casted" [sic]. 240826 ... e_o_i I was confused why an ad on a metro screen said "souffrir du bon temps." Suffer a good time? And then I looked again, and it was "s'offrir du bon temps" (give oneself/yourself a good time). 240905 ... e_o_i A crossword puzzle clue, "Home of the Norse gods," as "Home of the nurse gods." (I like the idea of nurse gods; where would they live?) 241010 ... e_o_i "ecocriticism" as "eroticism" I was thinking, "Wait, how exactly does this author's interest nature relate to writing about sex?" until I realized my skimming-too-fast error. 241017 ... e_o_i "as a former child kid" instead of "as a former choir kid" 241128 ... e_o_i I looked at these two blathes on the recent page too fast - pennies_from_somewhere no_one_is_here - and my mind constructed "penises from nowhere." All right, mind. 241204 ... raze (i'm really tempted to make a "penises from nowhere" blathe now. the poetic possibilities...) 241204 ... nr i keep reading it as penises_from_somewhere, so yeah... i guess they gotta come from somewhere, unless they come from nowhere. 241204 ... raze right now my brain is insisting on seeing "four lions" as "four loins". 241211 ... raze somehow, "an anxious pleat" became "an anxious pear". 241215 ... e_o_i "Chaos of Canadian Chicken" from a cooking magazine Mom had open. It was an ad that said "Choose Canadian Chicken." 241223 ... e_o_i Context: in my neck of the woods, the Halls coughdrop wrappers have little encouraging phrases in English and French. So I unwrap one and read, "Il n'y a rien que vous puissiez accomplir" = There's nothing you can do (or accomplish, or succeed at). Huh? And then I realize I'm missing a crucial word: "Il n'y a rien que vous ne puissiez accomplir" = There's nothing you CAN'T do. Neither are strictly true, but at least Halls isn't mocking me. 241227 what's it to you? who go blather from