i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_12 crOwl gavin woke from dream as abruptly as if real danger was imminent. washed over like a baptism with the comforting presence of a dreamworld, he suddenly and warmly remembered coltrane and how the little french boy was confidently teaching him circus tricks. yet, it was a boisterous voice that woke him, a tone of urgency still present in the air like the sound of gunfire in the stillest night or the desperate wailing of a catfight between rivaling toms. he realized it was coming from an angry man who he could see through blurry eyes, a picasso-mirrored abstract form of a man, as if he had leapt with animal abandon off the canvas of an oil painting; a fractured portrait of what he used to be when he was young and in love. he was spatteringforth spit-laced french expletives at the charming girl who he had helped with the clumsy chests of props. "JE SUIS QUI JE SUIS!" he screamed with bulging eyes, flailing adam's apple, and carotid arteries bulging. the corners of her mouth dropped like a curtain on a chekov play. gavin lazily rubbed his eyes and watched. he ran his thin-knuckled, tattooed hands through his shaggy mane and yawned jauntily. he wished he could grab a coffee or a smoke and realized coltrane was at home where he left him. silly, preposterous dream, he thought. he waited until things cleared up for the emotional frenchman was already passionately apologizing to his girlfriend. gavin watched them kiss and embrace. he always thought sincere forgiveness was one of the most beautiful of all human experiences. "hey," gavin called out. he smiled as their lips parted, audibly releasing like the sound a butterfly makes as it is sucking on flower nectar. "do you guys have a son?" his words were bird calls that make one look into the sky. "no," they said silmultaneously. "well, i dreamt that you did," gavin said, raising one eyebrow and saying it zen-like, as if he was a prophet. they looked at each other momentarily and deeply wished his prophecy would, like a birthday wish, come true. with that being transmitted, gavin stood up and said goodbye to them. they told him to come back the following day for the show and that he could bring a friend for free. 071218 ... crOwl gavin returned to the rusty saab and started it up. the engine coughed slightly like one whose smoker's cough returned from time to time; the unwelcome neighbor. he had grabbed a curling flyer from the windshield that was a fotocopy from an accomplished piece of collage art. it was advertising a party in the highlands of hollywood. west_indian_girl was playing. he read on for directions and a phone number, a website contact. he grabbed his empty sobe bottle now filled with fortissimo and gave it a hearty swig. he loved the feeling of being alone, yet he terribly missed lilly. he packed his glass bowl and hit the contents with his lighter, breathing in deep and hard. he knew there were only two good hits. he had bought an 8 from his buddy rabbit rivers...some stuff from afghanistan, something the muhajdeen smoked. he was pinching it and was down to the last remnants. he dug the phone out of jeans and pressed her name, "cupcake." she did not answer, so he left her this message...................................................... "hey, lilbelle...um...i miss you, i want to kiss you, it's your teddy bear. i have a cool story to tell you, honeypot...call me as soon as you get this, or i'll spank you..." he shut his phone and drove off, entering pico blvd. there were koreans everywhere, but he liked it. he loved to travel to a foreign country without ever stepping board on an airplane. he had one wing of a bird and one human arm. at least he pretended he did. he rolled down his window manually and took a whiff of the barbeque and the fresh-squeezed mango. a couple up ahead were hitch-hiking. gavin pulled over, rubbing his tires up against the curb, and stopped. 071219 ... unhinged the crowd of grieving family members and friends at lauren's house was almost unnavigable. it was bittersweet to see the amount of people that came out to celebrate gram's life. lauren had made poster collages of all the family pictures she could find. they were placed strategically throughout the house. lilly stood stoned in front of the one of gram with all of them as children. it was amazing to her that even back then, some as far back as babyhood, each of them displayed their current personalities in some form or another. tamara was mean or cranky by turn in almost all of her pictures. owen was goofy and mischievious. lauren was stately. lilly, the youngest daughter, was sad. as she looked at herself, a picture of her as a toddler in gram's arms at a birthday party, lilly's too old too sad eyes were a revelation to herself. part of her had always been that way, way back to the almost beginning. in the picture, gram was kissing her cheek in an attempt to cheer her up. more tears fell down lilly's face. 'she was old. it's not like we didn't know it would happen sooner or later. what's there to be sad about?' tamara's voice quipped coldly. 'you know what...you are a bitch.' 'oh hey. what right do you have to fight with me?' 'you started it. it's her funeral for fuck's sake tamara. you could leave your cold statements to yourself.' 'do you always have to make a scene and make us the laughing stock of the family?' tamara hissed in lilly's ear. 'why do you care what these people think? we only see them at funerals anyways.' several embarassed family members stared at their feet or left the room at lilly's accusation. lilly also left walking towards the back of the house. tamara followed close behind. 'going outside to kill yourself?' 'yes. why yes i am going outside to smoke a cigarette. a dirty cigarette that not only hurts me but pollutes and kills everyone around me. that's what i do best anyways right tam?' owen had once again come to intervene between his battling sisters. he grabbed tamara's arm and squeezed painfully. 'let go of me owen. this has nothing to do with you. just go away.' 'of course it has to do with me. you are my sisters. i don't like it when you fight. which by the way, you have always done since like forever. isn't it apparent to both of you that we are all we have left for each other? lilly lives so far away now tam. do you really have to fight right now?' 'you know i wasn't trying to fight with her.' 'yeah, right tam. right. i'm crying and you make one of your cold callous statments when i'm obviously distressed but that's not trying to pick a fight. you know exactly how to piss me off so don't argue semantics and lie. i'm done with you. just done. YOU can leave ME alone.' lilly stormed off into the back yard and slammed the door. lilly pulled her cigarettes and her phone out of her pocket and noticed she had a voicemail. the sound of gavin's voice soothed her and upset her at the same time. everything seemed to overwhelm her at once. she lit a cigarette and dialed gavin's number. 'hi.' her voice was quiet and teary. 'hey babe. you sound upset.' 'well i have been at a funeral all day.' she snapped. 'ummmm....yeah.' gavin stopped talking abruptly. 'i'm sorry. so sorry. i just got in a fight with my sister. i'm not feeling too good.' lilly could hear voices in the background. 'where are you?' 'in my truck. i have the funniest story to tell you.' 071219 ... crOwl right before, lilly called gavin back, he turned the saab off and stepped out to where the hitch-hikers were already talking with someone in an exhaust-fuming, old grey ford econoline van. gavin walked up behind them, taking three quick steps along the worn concrete sidewalk. he saw a hand drawn flyer on a telephone pole that advertised a sartre reading at a small cafe in topanga. the smell of grilled food was strong and gut-tearing. he saw the girl first, a slight waif with ripped jeans and a muslin singlet. she wore lots of silver, hoops and bangles, necklaces and rings. her hair was long and the color of an ebony mare. she nervously chewed on one end as her boyfriend, slightly taller than her, wearing knee-length shorts, some kind of gore-tex hiking shoes and a t-shirt that said, "this isn't keats" leaned in to talk with the driver and then opened the door of the van and bid the girl to enter. he verbally thanked the middle-aged man at the wheel. he stepped in behind her and slammed the door shut with a dull, oppressive thud of rust and metal. gavin could smell piss and smoke. as if pulled by a magnet, he was propelled to the passenger side where he could still see the boy's face, grown out with a slight beard and shoulder length hair, the color of withered beech leaves. "wait,"gavin said, as if this van was a train he needed to catch. he felt like he was about to utter a line from a play about existentialism and observation. "i'm with them," he urged, opening the side door. it swung out quickly with a zipping sound, as if it had just been heavily greased. he hopped in before anyone could say a word. when gavin had slammed the door shut from the inside, only then did the girl speak. "hey!" she said, as if she knew him, but she did not. this was the first time in their lives that they had ever seen each other. she looked at him expectantly, bottom lip drooping down. tongue on teeth. almost waiting for him to announce his intentions. the driver, a late-forties, weather worn gardener threw him a sharp glance. he absent-mindedly gripped the steering wheel with his turquoise-ringed, calloused hands and turned to the man beside him. "hey," gavin returned. that's when lilly called, the rintone sounding like a fart in church. he murmured, "excuse me," and pulled the phone out his jeans. and that's the story he told her. 071220 ... crOwl the phrase gavin used, "in my truck," was a colloquialism of their relationship created to define him in the state of being alone, lilly-less, which he was finding increasingly interesting. as he told the story to her, he noticed the van was leaving the busy city street and turning off into a more rural section which was heading towards the hills of chapparell and sage. he watched out the window and caught the girl dozing in her seat against the glass window, her relaxed head moving with the vibrations. gavin and lilly talked about living in the moment and he watched the world change around him. lilly spilled forth her anger at lauren and tamara like vomit. gavin listened and let his image of the waif dispel her wrath like a silky filter. he had learned that sight was the highest valued of all of his senses. lilly went on about owen and cooper. gavin listened and asked her several questins, permitting her free access as a boat upon his sea of concern. as the van wound snake-like into topanga canyon, gavin kissed the phone, pretending it was lilly's small indent at the base of her back, just before her ass begins its upward curve. he closed his eyes and sighed. 071220 ... unhinged lilly shut the phone and lit another cigarette. owen came outside with two beers. 'i think my boyfriend is crazy.' 'why?' 'he is hitch hiking with a bunch of strangers.' 'you sound a little jealous.' 'yeah, i guess.' lilly laughed. 'he's so...californian. i feel like i'm in a movie sometimes.' 'well he's been calling you the whole time you've been gone so he must like you. maybe he loooooves you or something.' owen dangled the beer in front of lilly's face and she snatched it from him. 'you should stop fighting with tamara.' 'why? i never fought back after mom and dad died. i moved all the way across the country and she still is a bitch towards me. you know she blames it on me owen.' owen was way too interested in digging a hole in the snow with the toe of his boot. 'yeah, exactly. you know that's what she thinks.' 'it's not tam's fault she's dumb lilly. cut her a break or something.' 'yeah, but it's tam's fault she's mean owen. people need to cut me a break for what happened that day. i saw it all.' she took a long drink of her beer. 'i know lil.' owen patted her hand. 'you seem like you are doing a lot better cause you moved away and found this guy and stuff.' 'i'll try to stay out of tam's way owen. but if she starts saying ignorant shit i'm not just going to let her.' she grabbed owen's hand and squeezed. 'ok. fair enough. when do you back to california?' 'the day after tomorrow.' 'so you don't have to put up with us much longer anyways. let's go inside and eat some of those casseroles. aunt carol brought gawumpki and pierogies too.' 'her pierogies are not as good as gram's.' 'i thought it was the same recipe.' 'it is. gram just made them better.' owen put his arm around her. 'there are mushrooms and onions and sour cream in there too.' 'ok. ok. you convinced me. let's go eat some food.' 071220 what's it to you? who go blather from