bone_crushing_righteousness amy nada yeah, i'm under 24-hour preventative surveillance for this one. mostly just because i can't carry it off, usually, in person. in person i'm either aloof and dismissive, or overly vulnerable which i think are both evidence of weakness to most. they just can't see all the strength and effort go into all these recoveries i'm always pulling off, only to lose it once again. oh, well, as long as it gets written in the big book, i'll be fine. and as long as i get an upgrade next time. because i know there's nothing inherently wrong, really. 100504 ... hsg what's preventative_surveillance 100505 ... amy nada i guess it's a little redundant, but it sounds good, right? instant internal karmic feedback. and it used to be worse, in my developmental years. i used to be a lot more introverted. i still am, mostly, but see the benefits of developing a certain kind of extraversion. and it will take many years and many starts and stops and mistakes and experiments. it won't be very careerist, in other words. 100505 ... amy nada they say that how we treat other people is reflective of how we treat ourselves. i've always kind of hoped that wasn't true, and really am not given a big range of relationships with honest feedback to test it out... but i think there's a good chance that it is true. i just had hoped (in my youth) that i was pulling off some kind of double standard. i can't shake the view that i'm having a necessary, but not terribly valuable, life and so i don't treat it with care and respect. and i'm sure i project that on to other people and i know that i do. so i don't think that true relationships are appropriate or deserved. and of course that mindset backfires on me and then i usually do something really much more inappropriate. so really it's the original perception that is too punishing. but i can't shake it, still. i don't feel this time i'm spending is very valuable, and i don't have ideas that could make it moreso, in any realistic sense. could this perception be the result of an archetype i'm falling under? quite possibly. i've been introduced to the concept and i'm considering it. but could it also be the deadening effects of a consumerist society i'm living in, trying to live in, since i don't have those relationship skills to choose-my-own-society? this view instead of one that blames myself, that is. shifting a bit, i don't mean to disparage you guys, though, because i do value your friendships even under this experimentalist and sometimes contentious rubric that we are falling under. you are the only ones that have been there for me ("around") while sick, which has been a good 10 years, and that's nothing to sneeze at, and counts in the true-friend category... i value life more because of you, even if i can't chase these base thoughts that bother me so much. what's worse the guilt for the devaluing or the devaluing itself? hm. 100505 what's it to you? who go blather from