more energy
flowing around me
than I am able to understand
at one time.
silentbob fixated
it's all coming at me in flashes of red light.
Aaron the way she enchants my every thought. 000805
syringe Shiney objects!
Shiney objects!
Syrope on the way back from dinner tonight i finally told mom about the incident with calling campus police on my ex

her first husband stalked her and eventually held a knife to her neck while he threatened her in a dark parking lot. i figured she'd understand. but instead she freaked out. i know she doesn't think i was in the wrong, but i could tell she was fighting her instinct to make it into a big deal. she inwardly freaked out i guess. she sputtered and insisted that i had overreacted until i finished my story and she basically had to agree i did the right thing. i was impressed.

we came in and she said she wanted to show me something...we watched both my preschool & church christmas concert videos and then a dance recital video from 6th or 7th grade

i couldn't believe it. i was the most adorable thing in preschool. no wonder i'm a terrible public speaker though...i kept twirling around and kicking my feet while i talked. i wasn't a good dancer but it was ok cause i liked dancing even if i sucked. part of me really wants to get back into something like dance. part of me remembers how badly i got yelled at for messing up stuff like that...but somehow time and distance and change make mom seem like less of a monster now and more just...a person who has a lot of problems and should never have been trusted with something as fragile as a daughter.

i wish my parents had taken more pictures. the videos were copies of other parents' videos. it makes me think i should document my life now more carefully. and if i have kids...

but...i'm just not sure what's going on. mom just mixed up some fruit salad and brought it to me...she's way out of character. the only thing i can figure is that maybe she sees me as a woman when i'm subjugated to a man. she doesn't realize that i fought back yet. it'll probably hit her tomorrow
. I'm fascinated by fascination. 071018
By? Or with? What do I mean?!? What do I mean?!? 071018
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