embodiment
unhinged they say trauma resides in the body




he thought he could take it even though i told him i didn't want him to have it. he thought i was too drunk to tell the difference. when i screamed in pain he pretended that nothing actually happened, thought i was too drunk to tell the difference. the blood on my sheet exposed his lie.


she was driving too fast. the snow had been coming down since before the sun went down. i had asked her to leave earlier but she claimed we could make it...no need. she was driving too fast. we passed a car in the median ditch with it's tail lights flashing. i knew she was going to kill us. when we hit the back tires of the first semi we both screamed. as the car started to spin, we went silent and just looked at each other. when we looked up another semi truck was coming right at us. in that moment i closed my eyes thinking i would never open them again.


meditation can be a trauma trap for me. the idea of settling my mind in my body sounds so appealing to my analytical mind. my anxiety feels markedly improved from it. but sometimes, some days bringing my mind in my body releases stored trauma and the tears come so fast i barely recognize the tickle in the back of my nose and my cheeks are already wet. when i was young, i would avoid meditation for weeks after an almost spontaneous weep session. (once the dam breaks there's no stopping the flood. tissues need to be involved. once i get up for a tissue my fear propels me to other activities) now i am seeking this; i want to be done. i want to be through to the other side. i want to stop carrying violence in my body where it creeps way to close to my heart. the cellular memories make me tiny and closed. i want to be done. i want to embody my warrior's heart every waking second. i want to be the beacon.


they say the only way out is through
190928
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unhinged through_not_around 191207
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