i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_14 crOwl by the time he had made his way along the meandering cobblestone path lined with gazanias and calendula back to the cabin, ruth and jeremiah were busy making dinner, cavorting playfully in the kitchen. dennis was typing away on his powerbook, sitting beside a much smaller fire in the cozy, art studio of a livingroom, complete with watercolored-textural collage pieces that a friend of his had done. gavin entered the house, said hello to everyone and then looked for a room he could call his own. it appeared as though he'd be spending the night, sensing it in his soul as if it gave off the energy easily absorbed and transmitted. he found a guest room with one queen-size bed and a tiny bee-hived tile bathroom. there was a writing desk resting on plank floors that he sat down at immediately. he saw a well-worn book on keats, thoreau, and whitman. plus several journals already wriiten in. he leafed through them and found drawings and illustrious hand done fonts. he found a blank page and began writing. "i love your home. i have found that if i was a child growing up here i would be the man that i am now." he closed the book and returned it to its place along side a small wooden sculpture of a bird. there was a cradled ipod. gavin turned it on. it was old jazz. gavin laid down on the giving bed with its yielding goose down comforter. while charles mingus sang about pork pie hats, he drifted off to the silence of sleep. 071230 ... crOwl he dreamt that he was in ruth and jeremiah's antique-splattered room. they were both asleep in the 1940's italian chaise bed. gavin tip-toed in as not to wake them and stood next to their bed, his heartbeat pulsing. he could hear the rhythm of their breathing, somewhat erratic, but oddly musical. he lightly grasped the edge of their cotton sheet and gently lifted it off. jeremiah was on his right side, naked. ruth was spooning him, also naked. gavin crawled into the bed with them fully-clothed, facing away from ruth in the fetal position. he pulled the sheet to cover all three of them like seeds pressed under the earth in the dream, he fell asleep and dreamt, he was taking a bath in the claw foot tub back at the house he shared with lilly. while he was laying back in the hot water soaking his weary bones in the fluffy bubbles and looking out the pane-glassed window to where a robin mother was feeding her fledglings, he heard the door push open. it was ruth. "can i come in?" she asked. she was wearing a young boy's sleeveless tank top. it was ribbed and white and fit her snug past her ass, but barely covered her ample breasts. she leaned into the tub. gavin smirked, as if to answer the question was ludicrous. she lifted her leg and he moved up to allow her entrance. she entered his bath without removing her shirt, and immediately it clung to her, becoming a perfect second skin as if she was a siren singing him to shipwreck. taking a washcloth, she lathered it up, cleaning him from head to toe, washing his hair, under his arms, and when she came to his private area and found him throbbing, she told him it was a place beyond where she could go. he woke in the first dream and turned to see ruth had let go of jeremiah and had rolled on to her back. gavin rubbed his eyes. he sat up in bed on his elbows and then lifted his arm enough to pull down the sheet again. he admired the amazing beauty that was ruth. the squeak of a door's hinge in great need of a lubricant startled gavin awake in the bed of the small room he chose. he rubbed his eyes and sat up slightly. he could see ruth's shape in the sparse light of the hallway. she was standing next ot the bed wearing a white slip to her mid thigh. her hair was pulled out from a pony tail and well past her shoulders. she cocked her hips to one side, angled, towards gavin. he pretended he was asleep, mocking the sound of a mild, acceptable snore. she moved closer to where his hand hung over the edge of the bed, the only entitiy to break the plane between who she was and who they could be if they were to connect. he felt like it was vulnerable and she would take advantage of it. but all she did was press herself against his outstretched fingers. he could feel her moist, soft wetness. he could smell a faint musk in the air. he felt himself growing hard and then, as if by the magical powers of persuasion her hand upon his length. "i'm sorry," he said, suddenly sitting bolt upright. "i can't. i have a girlfriend." ruth sucked in air and turned quickly, almost jumping out of the room. gavin pushed himself out of bed and watched her open the door to dennis's room. 071230 ... crOwl gavin pounded the bed with his fist, hitting as it were himself for pushing ruth away, yet he knew if he betrayed lilly, his love would be divided and he would eventually fall, unable to function with his emotions ripped in half, like a sheet of blank paper. at least, that's how he felt about the presevation of his soul. he rolled on his back again and masturbated to the fantasy of his reunion with lilly. i will see her again tomorrow, he sighed. he stayed in his room alone for the rest of the night reading emile zola's, "l'oeuvre." he also did an intricate drawing of himself in his small boat crashing into a jetty of sharp rocks. he spoke into his voice recorder, interviewing himself and determining what he was able to glean from this current adventure in topanga. should he try to stay in touch with these people? he thought it unwise, but then he couldn't imagine never seeing ruth's impish curves again. plus, dennis was the magic man, and behind jeremiah was a portrait of himself as a young man. gavin was 27, but the boys of his youth lingered on in the sweet summer fields picking blackberries and running to hide. eventually, he fell asleep again, but not before he heard the unmistakeable sounds of lovemaking, coming from both rooms. he heard barking_dogs earlier and figured more friends had arrived. and then without warning, gavin's door pushed open and a couple, man and woman, of whom gavin had never seen before in his life, staggered into his room, locked in a sordid embrace and fell as one nearly on top of him, oblivious to his presence. the man was on top of her, now, unbuttoning her oxford shirt. she arched her head back and allowed him. gavin sat up on his elbows and blinked in the pale light of the hallway spilling upon the unexpected guests. he swallowed and continued to watch as the girl's pleasing nakedness was exposed. and as time passed he became a spectator of humanity's greatest gift to one another. when they had finished out of breath, gavin feigned sleep and with his eyes closed felt them settle under the covers beside him. 071231 ... crOwl of course, he had another dream and this time ruth was making love to lilly. it was the raucous crowing of a black-feathered rooster that woke gavin, but it was the fresh aroma of a stovetop espresso maker that alerted his nose to the new day, to the day he would see lilly again. he lazily turned down the sheet to see the naked couple, both still asleep. he whistled airily through his teeth in a comical way to define the previous night when he was merely a pillow on the bed, in the way. he slipped out of the quilts without waking them and carefully put on his pants and shirt. he walked barefoot to the kitchen. only dennis was awake. "i heard your girlfriend is coming home today," dennis said, cheerfully, a pleasant morning greeting full of hopeful confidence. "yeah," gavin said, enjoying the personal attention. "she's at her gram's funeral in vermont, so i imagine she'll be needing her spirits lifted." "you're the one to do it," dennis said. gavin didn't know what he meant by that. does he mean it's my responsibility because i love her? "that's it," was all he could manage to say. "have some coffee," dennis offered. "excellent," gavin said, and he poured himself a cup, adding a bit of goat's milk that was in a small earthernware cup. he also added a tablespoon of raw sugar. dennis took his coffee to a table next to the window and began reading the metro section of the times. gavin looked past him to the outside where a horse was nibbling on a flake of hay. "do you need a ride back into venice?" dennis asked without looking up. "awesome. that'd be great, thanks." gavin said, genuinely thankful. some times he let his imagination carry him across bridges that were hard to recross, but this transfer was solid and would be a valuable memory, especially ruth. in dreams and real lfe. 071231 ... crOwl "sure," dennis said. he folded up the newspaper and set it down. making his way to the kitchen, he asked gavin if he wanted a bowl of granola. "definately," gavin answered, helping himself to a large bowl, blueberries, blackberries, and yogurt. "so tell me about your girlfriend." "her name's lilly. she's a painter, for sure. you should see her work. she's sold a bunch of stuff." "nice. what does her work make you think of?" "trying to hide." "what are you hiding from?" "myself." "why?" "because i'm afraid i won't like myself." "do other people like you?" "yeah." "and so you'll like yourself also." 080101 ... c r 0 w l "who is ruth?" gavin asked. he loved talking with dennis. he was like one of those cosmopolitan uncles you always wished you had, but it was your friend telling you about his. he saw again the image of ruth walking into dennis's room after she left his. he was dying to find out what happened in that room. "ruth is a flower one stops to discover. first her fragrance, next the softness of her petals, and then one becomes a bee and drinks her nectar." "holy fuck," gavin said, suddenly laughing. he loved meeting people who could say what he was thinking. dennis pointed to a bowl on the dashboard and motioned for gavin to hit it. "thank you sir." gavin said, reaching for it. "sir gawain?" dennis asked, smiling again, one bushy eyebrow lifted inquisitively. "no, lancelot." gavin responded, blowing out two lung fulls of sweet smoke. dennis turned up the music. it was experimental stuff he played with jeremiah and the man who landed on top of gavin in bed last night. gavin liked it. it made him think of making toys. sometimes he wanted lilly to get pregnant so they could start a family. he imagined her face, but ruth's somehow merged with it. he shook it off and asked dennis a question instead. "what did you do with ruth when she came in your room?" "she's working on a graphic comic book so i was helping her with some of the dialogue." "oh yeah," gavin said with a feeling equal parts relief and disappointment. "i don't sleep much anyway." dennnis offered. "i'm always working on a new project." "she came in my room," gavin said, feeling a swift rush of self indulgence along with the initial dopamine swish of the herb. "while i was sleeping, but i knew she was there. she was wearing hardly anything and gave me some soft grind into my hand." dennis smiled and his teeth were brilliant, like the sun breaking through bruised clouds after a storm. "ruth is a story we all tell," dennis finally said, chuckling respectfully. "she is the space between." 080102 ... c r 0 w l on they drove over cloverleafs and underpasses along 405 and 10 to the only place you can watch professional body builders lift weights outdoors. dennis flicked up his turn signal and turned right on to pico blvd. gavin looked out the window and saw an older hispanic man strumming on a guitar. "it's so L.A," he said, but only because he had a photograph of that same image. "i don't come down here much," gavin said, spotting his volvo along the curb in the parking spot that he had left it. "but every time is a treat. especially this time. how about a number?" gavin asked, digging his phone out of his jeans. dennis rattled it off. gavin punched it in. dennis pulled five cars in front of gavin's car. gavin went to open the doo but dennnis stopped him by grabbing his shirt at his heart. "listen," dennis said. "our collision is much more than a random meeting. the well-oiled gears of ancient machinary maintained for centuries by generation have secured this fabled tete'a'tete. one cannot overlook the intricate details of thoughts captured by silence. you have dropped into our stream and we have carried you to a place of pleasure and potential. the pleasure we have discussed. it will only increase as you visit us in the future. and for the potential...well that's all up to you to discover along the way. where i took you is sacred ground. what we did when we were there were sacred acts. what you felt, tasted, touched, smelled, and experienced were individual memories which, in their maturity, will evolve into lessons. this is your education. welcome to our school. you are never going to be the same. meet me in this same spot exactly one week from now. bring lilly with you." "ok," gavin said, meeting his stare. he sensed the genuine interest like one smells food when he is hungry. 080102 what's it to you? who go blather from