it_is_at_moments_after_i_have_dreamed Death of a Rose it is at moments after i have dreamed of the rare entertainment of your eyes, when (being fool to fancy) i have dreamed with your peculiar mouth my heart made wise; at moments when the glassy darkness holds the genuine apparition of your smile (it was through tears always) and silence moulds such strangeness as was mine a little while; moments when my once more illustrious arms are filled with fascination, when my breast wears the intolerant brightness of your charms: one pierced moment whiter than the rest -turning from the tremendous lie of sleep i watch the roses of the day grow deep. e.e. cummings (1894 - 1962) . 040831 ... unhinged i could feel you holding your breath as i read jim_carroll over the phone to you drunk and suddenly was painfully aware of the possible double meaning in the words coming out of my mouth but i could feel you holding your breath and i could see you laying on your bed straight as an arrow one arm holding the phone to your ear the other folded across your chest but i kept reading to you jim_carroll hoping my voice could put you to sleep since we could not hold each other and it was a whirlwind and like all natural disasters it frightened me when it does not originate in my heart to be reciprocated but when i am the one that must reciprocate it is not something i have learned how to do it frightens me i shun the responsibility of others' happiness when it takes me by suprise like that when it's not my idea but i imagined you then just how you must have looked from the sound of your breath over the phone and realized that i couldn't be what you thought i convinced myself that i couldn't be what you thought breathless smiles shelter from the cold words all of it only and ever words that gave me rest and happiness for the hours of conversation when i lifted the garbage bag out of the can under my kitchen sink i found foil from a dark chocolate kiss from the dark chocolate kisses i ate while i was talking to you on the phone and instead of putting it in the trash i threw it back in the can i am still not sure what that means breathless smiles shelter from the storm maybe a little too fast but i_fucked_up sorry_sorry_sorry_sorry_sorry it_breaks_me maybe_we_should_just_be_blather_friends (sic) i imagined you laying on your bed holding your breath straight as an arrow one arm holding the phone to your ear the other folded across your chest but i kept reading to you 040831 ... Doar sigh 061109 ... Death of a Rose I still miss unhinged's voice in mine ear. 061109 what's it to you? who go blather from