how_my_gonna_keep_myself_away_from_me Anna_Began What a way to start this month. Independence. Inde-fucking-pendence. I'm writing this here because if I lashed this at you directly you'd probably cry. Then I'd feel awful. Well, maybe not. I think I'd feel justified. What the hell is going on??? What's the D-E-A-L??? There's this musty, damp rainy smell and the fireworks will be starting in a few hours. Already, I hear tiny backyard bottle rockets exploding in the distance. Earlier, for what I thought was preperation for my trip, and still may be, I inserted the Q-tip to the netherend where the fuzz begins again. This made me proud, especially since I was able to do it without him on my mind. It's my body; I don't need email to motivate penetration of it. Right now, I'm angry. Right now, I wonder if I've been avoiding starting July all week. Right now, I have a box at the bottom of my screen that says coverlet~1 and a bunch of minimized favorite places that mention minor league teams and salary. I took a full fifteen minutes to read back through our one-sided exchanges from the week. Admittedly, I stated "I will not talk to you for one week," and later I insisted you not apologize for being busy. I still feel this way. It's frustrating when the world is busy and I'm just bored. But now, I'm angry. Now, I don't understand why our last conversation involved you saying my upcoming visit will involve a commitment so deep I've never allowed for it in the past and now I just feel this post-Chicago, April-blue. Where the hell did this come from??? Because if it's him; if the cause of this lies in last Sunday's correspondence, I've got big news for you. News so big I wasn't even going to mention it. I planned to never mention him again. He may never realize it, but I've let go. And since I'm the one that you are supposed to be... having a "deal" with, well than I'm the only one you should care about in this equation. I go unlabeled. You go unlabeled. My father tosses out names of boys like never before and my mother asks me if I am in love with you and I feel this intense need to suddenly be labeled. FUCK! This is some sort of test that I've yet to clarify... I can just tell. This is you or God saying, "Suspend belief. Have faith. Really, I am just busy." And for five entire days I have been able to phase together some semblance of order through that mantra. But just now, your response cut me more than your non-responsiveness. I'm thinking, "In three weeks time I will kiss you all over. I cannot wait, I am counting the minutes." And apparently you're thinking "I might run into you online sometime this weekend." That's not commitment. That's bait. Alright, I'll admit it. You've pissed me off. Not the first time, of course. But before, I sifted through all your emotional closet-keeping and saw through to the bigger purpose and excercised patience to the best of my ability. Now, I'm not waiting for anything. I'm trying to figure out why a boy that wants his parents to get to know me hasn't fucking called me in a week. God, I sound like a girl. I sound like a loose cannon. I hear what you'd say. "Oh, if I get busy with work and we can't talk every night, than all of a sudden you didn't mean all the stuff you've said?" And my answer would be "I still do." My answer would be, "But I deserve some attention regardless of how busy you become." I've said this before. I DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT SHE GOT. Do you remember that our relationship, our conversations flowed at the beginning based upon our malaise with humankind? Do you remember how we again and again lamented about the depths of our giving and the lack of reciprocation? Do you not recall you all but drew me a road map through your relationship with her? With your "Sweetest Day" and her birthday dinner and elaborate mix cds and sleeping in your bed? And when you get busy at work I suddenly don't even get a phone call? (Man, I'm more pissed than I even realized) Ok, I fucking hate her. And I'm sure I have little reason to because she's your past. But this week when someone asked me to spell "angie" I wanted to vomit. I wanted to spell "b-i-t-c-h." I am intelligent enough to realize she has nothing to do with this. She may not even know who I am (I bet she does). It is your accumulated past that needs to be let go of. I opened up the windows because of the storm and now it's growing humid again and I just want to shut them. I feel frantic and unresolved and running into you on line is NOT going to satisfy this. Then again, what's to be satisfied? See the malarky I am sinking in? If all you say is true; if there will be nothing under your bed in three weeks and I will visit "The Domes" with Barb and Tom, well than, I need to just shut the hell up. Something needs to be done about me. When I have no basis of comparison, I slip into all of my demons. Right now, they're eating me alive. 030704 ... Anna_Began Occasionally, I strike myself as ridiculous. Really, I'm the one that's a handful. 030704 ... Anna_Began My sleep, riddled with eight cups of coffee and the jitters that just generally come from being me, settled into me around 4:30 AM shortly after Easy Way to Cry startled me into my final minutes of consciousness. I dreamt funny dreams, like I always do when I'm deprived, of sleep or anything else. I had planned to greet you by saying "I love you," when I called but by 5:59 when my phone tittered its lame version of American Girls all I managed was a hello and a groggy smile. The sun was coming up on you and it was up on me and you crawled into bed and fell into what I was soon to fall back into. Being a part of your life, like this, in simple little ways, in intimate things like going to bed, is what makes me smile. I don't view this as a sacrifice. I don't view being awoken shortly after sunset on a day off or on a day not off as anything but a privilege. I thanked you for calling and you said I didn't have to but I mean to. What I accomplished yesterday, I am proud of. Little steps; insertion and resumes and lightning bugs and apathy and assertion. Today, searching resolutely for the bread pan and the expensive towel with the reddened blue crab, I thought frantic and silly thoughts. Someone liking me based upon a recipe for Old Bay Cheese Bread and my selection of flatware is superficial. But I'm looking so desperately to achieve the right balance of care without obsession; class and taste without pretention. The spending spree has ensued as I knew it would. I'm preparing sanely now, in the time frame that most people would operate inside of. I want to motivate my body to move and drop off those lumps I'd wanted away by now and I'm trying to keep my hand out of the bag of chocolately, bite-sized temptations in the bottom of the regrigerator. I want to glow for you. I want you to sneak peeks at black lace. I want to greet you at the end of the terminal and throw my arms around your neck and kiss you like they might have done in a movie like Casblanca. Standing in line tonight to purchase the bread tin, the couple next to me was canoodling. He rubbed her shoulders and then tickled her back and I sighed thinking "Just under three weeks." I spun around to avoid anymore yearning and busted my arm on a display of Altoids. You're in everything and with patience and breathing you'll be in me. 030705 ... Anna_Began What the hell was I screaming about at the beginning of this? If I had a nickel for everytime I threw a hissy fit, I'd have several nickels. TWO WEEKS FROM THIS VERY MOMENT. YAY YAY YAY. I'm pretty doggone excited right now. Excited enough to say "doggone" even. I'm just feeling like a gushy-mushy girl right now too. So I type, type, type away and click things like "Apply Now" and "Send Resume" and discover how simple it is to format an envelope on XP. There is a solid, possible, feasible, wonderful way I could bring together each of my little melon-scented, leather-slapping dreams and desires and maybe it won't be perfect, but really, what is? I'd be taking a chance and that's wonderful and I only have so much time on this earth. I want to surround myself in your messages and I want to scare the hell out of myself. This would do both. But for now, I'll just anticipate fourteen days from now. Yay. 030710 ... Anna_Began It's that time when things go so far behind blurred that they are sharp and real and life becomes this driving force that is so meaningful it blinds you. I used to struggle to remain awake during the west coast road trips and the crackle of the radio and the longing for the images lighting up my eyes would keep me tossing and turning until the final out. Now, the concert is merely two weeks off and right now, I appreciate that more than I would during the light of any day. My senses are piqued and when I glance at myself in the mirror I look about twenty years older. Two am is a good time to think about things. Relocating makes sense. I look sallow and dehydrated but I feel brave and excited. The ticking of the clock is speaking to me and my intention is to be so exhausted by the time I lay down that my body enforces sleep regardless of any plans my mind has in store. My intention is also to wait for you. Calmness settles in me. These are the things you have tried to teach me to feel over the last four months. Sometimes still, I get curious, but the feelings abate. More often than not I debate little things about a future with you increasingly in it. Throughout the day, I admitted I just don't know. Things are changing. Today was an opportunity to gain clarity and it wasn't like the times in the past, because I wasn't wrapped up in hormones and emotions but it was nice. I'm taking action. I'm planning and that always fulfills me. Six hour conversations settle into me and I begin to weed through to understanding. You're so much more sane than I am and that helps. My skin feels filmy and my back is aching. I'm dreading another night of a pillow that wore out too quickly. I'll wrap my arms around the copycat, mushy black comfort until I leave it with you for two weeks. "But I'll be your pillow for your head, right?" Comfort comes in all forms. How can I not fit into somewhere that I fit into so well? 030711 ... AnnaBegan My red and black striped hair feels soft and light. I may need to buy barettes tomorrow because, while loving it, it is alternative; it will require adjustment. It's not that I'm not being myself... I just know what I cause people to do. Both Lilo and Stitch made me miss her and Ghost World for the eigth time passed an hour and forty seven minutes. At 8:30 am I convinced myself to go back to sleep to pass another few hours (I passed only one) and now at 8:30 pm I'm trying to convince myself I will be tired enough within the hour to fall asleep without tossing and turning and yearning to shut off my mind. I decided on a simple metal tin, wrapping them with the Old Bay in a cooked blue crab towel. My father assisted in wrapping the red and black ribbon in a criss-cross pattern and I slipped the fancy recipe card into the top cross. The shrink wrap was not perfect, but it should hold and they tasted chewy and cheesy with just the right balance of crab and spice. My kitchen smelled like summertime in Baltimore and they tasted like this city I love. My green bags are taking up a wonderful amount of space in my room and I keep turning toward the tv to watch Bonzai, which I can't to love or hate. I find myself speaking in my head in the voice of the MC. I keep telling myself to "slow down, it's now, it's this week" and yet I picture Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday passing like honey slipping down the counter to the floor. For one hour I distracted myself with the August issue of Cosmo. It made me alternately realize how stupid generalized relationship advice can sound and, dig my face into my pillow, gulping in air and emitting a low growl from deep in my throat. Three days, three days, three days. Strumming my fingers on my hip, lying there picturing unscrewing light bulbs, intertwined lips, the tiny packets I picked up with my chicken wrap yesterday. I wonder if your waterbed has a frame that hurts your legs when you crawl up into it. The baking soda offered just enough abrasion to slush away old cells and the honey and banana left me soft and moist. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overdoing it but mostly I just assume it's me. When I tried on both dresses yesterday I contemplated how our evenings will go. I want to seduce you and I can actually hear your laugh in my ear if I were to tell you this. My room is uncomforably hot as usual. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. You know how you feel after a hard run, after the last burst of energy and you slow, thump, thump, thump, calm your steps... draw to an eventual halt and fill yourself with air into your stomach; it was exhausting and long and every muscle in your body is on alert and your heart is beating and you finished and you're proud? 030720 ... Riddle Me Not It is within the mirror, the answer you seek, it has no real existence, rather a thrill for the weak. You will see me, when the time is right, and the cage of the beast, is no longer kept tight, contained by sin and glorious pain, I am the monster that resides in each of our veigns. 031223 what's it to you? who go blather from