i_sat_there_stupid slaterhayes i walked the blocks i used to walk. to your house. i stood in front of the rotted doorstep and i stared at the ripped screen door. chainsmoked. i knocked. i waited. what would i say? i barely recognized you all haggard and dirty. your bloodshot eyes locked with me. i remember you now. you stare forever. do you remember me? mom? wordless and eyes downcast you just shut the door. i heard you lock it. i sat on that doorstep and waited for 20 minutes hoping that you'd open that door and come out crying. you'd have told me you loved me and you were sorry. that you never blamed me.why did i go back? 010924 ... unhinged while you poured out your confused sexuality asking for postulates, advice. i was too busy hiding what i really wanted to say, the only that comes to mind when we are together. those feelings lessen the less of an enigma you become but seeing you with someone else still deprives me. i feel like being a bad friend for hiding things from you; an important milestone in my life that i just can't bring myself to tell you because i'm afraid you will be disappointed in me. and whenever you mention his name and sex in the same sentence with that look of derision on your face it just pushes it farther back. i'm sure there will be more moments of stupidity because what i want to say blocks my mind from forming any other sentence in reply. i really can't tell you why you are fighting being gay so hard. i can't tell you if that's what you really want. i'm always too close to the sun to get its benefits. 010924 what's it to you? who go blather from