confessions_of_loneliness jane you chose me. and i accepted that choice years ago. the choice to do whatever i can for you. and i believe i have fulfilled my duties and obligations towards you. and you made it clear to me in the beginning that you had other responsibilities, other promises to keep. you shouldn't have made promises to me. you should never have chosen me. i didn't even like you in the beginning. didn't even know you existed. and the whole time, you had your eye on me, "everything else went soft focus..." - and finally you were out with it. and it was unexpected and flattering, but i was just in a strange place. and it should have stayed that way; i should have lived out my sentence in limbo before trying to climb that tree again. but you had caught my heart up in your tangled mess. and while i was aware of those responsibilities, those prior commitments, things have changed drastically, and now i'm the only one with a bucket trying to save this ship from capsizing. your wires tightening around me. when will my heart be constricted tightly enough to surrender to the slicing? and so now i wait. i never thought i would be the type to wait, but that seems to be all i'm doing lately. in the meantime, the past has caught up with me and temptation along with it. not because it's what i want, but because it's nice to be wanted. it's nice to remember that i have value. so i'm about to fall for the oldest trick, and i am watching myself in this vulnerable state, regretting my idiocy - but there's nothing i can do about it. 110321 ... perfectly_chaotic Loneliness has admitted to me that it will not be leaving me alone in the near future. 110321 ... The Observer and cue the condescension from people in better situations in 3...2...and...1 110322 ... unhinged i put up with your bullshit because i was tired of being alone and the thought of going back to that state scared me enough to cling to things i should have let_go off nobody_lets_go_when_they_should 110322 ... spoken loneliness visits me every four days for two nights marital bed empty hero spouse heroing covers gone cold 110322 what's it to you? who go blather from