selfdisgust nikki self-disgust is self-obsession. 010922 ... distorted tendencies And vice versa. I can't help it.. I have to stare because there's a reflection in the window, or a mirror.. 010922 ... unhinged i've been trying to peel these layers she noticed today but like everyone else she says nothing which is good i don't want to explain to her that without her i have nothing because she is so happy in pursuits of acrylic nails and hair extensions but if i was her i would be too because they are damn beautiful god never did i think i would feel like this again i thought i had left this behind me but i'm still dependent still weak still disgusting still naieve still trusting i was just a replacement on her way to better things but that is the story of my life after all an endless well of exotic cigarettes and empty beds hey baby this door is always open for the likes of you when you want to be sensational because i know you can't grind on nicole forever as i'm stumbling in the gutter finishing designs begun long ago and chewing up pills the metaphor of a painkiller melting quickly on my tongue i do enjoy my opiates manufactured in some lab by men in white coats my addict machines coming back to full capacity i sometimes wonder if kurt cobain had a blade fetish too always wearing those thrift store sweaters always drinking tea always shooting up heroin happiness always becomes just work in the end how i hate the name adrian but how i love it for making them happy to fill a void that i somehow have never been able to manage stumbling in the gutter finishing old designs chewing bitter pills 010923 ... unhinged 'happiness always becomes just work in the end' 090213 what's it to you? who go blather from