paying_the_price sab and i have, once again mortgaged my skin to purchase my sanity back and i write this here so that i remember so that in the months to come i will be able to know exactly why it happens the way it does a match, a fire a spark of pain bringing me back to earth again reeling me in from the whirling skies gathering the fragmenting sab close one two three four five six seven the pain is hot and fast and receeds quite quickly lands me back with a jolt and is gone again the cuts stay longer hurt longer are still hurting today the cuts continue to bargin for my sanity i continue to bargin for my sanity without words without deeds without thoughts thoughtlessly i figured that the hardest part was done. i never thought to think that it might affect them that they would have a reaction that they would need to deal with the bombshell that i dropped and exploded without warning in their lives. and i never thought to think that they would try to help althought had i been capible of thought i would have known. im sorry, but i cannot talk to you about it. i have enough to do just holding on it is taking all my energy simply to survive please dont talk to me about this now i am barely skimming the surface of sanity now and i bought that yesterday at a price that i was unkeen to pay. but ended up paying it anyway i'll be paying for this for years to come we all will 040617 ... incoherent and i cannot last under a blade that maims but never kills and a life that is sharper still 040617 ... Cornerstone . 040618 ... Borealis this is not a cry for help nor is it the result of self-pity or a masochistic mindset..per se I am what I am.. and you know that I revel in this. nothing gives me a greater sense of wholeness than to see a person in me who deliberately, and painfully, steps apart from the grain of the wood. my trees grow at a 90 degree angle to yours. and with a thought of my own, they will continue to grow happily, turned one more notch... where your floor is my ceiling, and your ceiling is my floor, there is my home. if the price is a kick in the face from time to time.. this is me paying the price. 040623 what's it to you? who go blather from