different_choices Ouroboros she picked picked me up last night after 9, just as i was getting settled and a little sleepy after a full day of school. she had gained a little weight and wore her long straight hair in anime fashion, which she mocked. she rarely made eye contact with me, and told her self-depricating stories quickly and nervously. we went back to their basement apartment, played with the baby kitten and smoked pot and baked cake. i love her, yes i do. but i realized this morning that she is not good for me, that her lifestyle might have been where i was last year or even earlier this year, but i am no longer that person. i don't miss class to sleep in till 3 and then stay up all night eating, smoking, watching movies anymore. i've moved forward- i'm fucking in love with myself, with the world, with everyone i know. i fucking love waking up early to do yoga and drink coffee and read for school in early morning sunlight. i like going out and meeting new people. i like being the best fucking student i can be. i like running through the forrest in the afternoons down to the sound of placid water and blue sky and silence. i like meditating. i like cooking for myself. i like eating for the right reasons. i like being sober. i like being present. i like my body exactly the way it is (minus the cold). it's not bad, i'm not saying she's bad or i'm better or any of that- it's just that we are in different places and making different choices right now- and i don't know if her choices are good for me to have in my life this quarter. 060407 ... Ouroboros after rereading this, i can see that i have this idea that i am scared of falling back into where i was (depression, bad choices, last year) and that spending time with her will perpetuate that fall. 060407 what's it to you? who go blather from