i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_17 c r 0 w l gavin felt his soul catch fire, snakey, curling flames licking the dry wood... and the heat was so intense there was nothing he could do but leap into the cool waters...and for him what were they? what would save him from becoming destroyed by the loss of lily? seclusion? abandonment? neglect? was he falling out of love with lilly? but he was her saviour? um, right? ahem...right? he didn't know who he was. people who talked about him said his smile was big and bright, his teeth perfect. he could easily win ruth from jeremiah. all would be good. (tug)... but, lilly was gorgeous. she was his dream. jennifer connellyish... oh, the decision. he followed behind her about twenty feet until she reached the freeway overpass and then he called out to her. his skate board was under his right arm. at his left side coltrane stood, his marbled fur on end, his long, curling tail wagging emphatically at lilly. he was smiling as if he was a god of his own religion. "be careful, lilly. don't listen to sweet talk. it's all about the sex." gavin called out, his fragile, sensitive voice sounding sickened, diseased, cancerous. he listened to himself and realized he was hearing the lines as they were spoken in a play he once saw with lilly. an award-winning production about a man who pretends his life and when he is actually living it, he is wearing pygamas and doing crossword puzzles. he felt like he was a piece of paper being ripped. one piece was tossed into the burn pile, the other was being pasted into a piece of art to be given away. she stopped and turned to face him. he thought she looked like a sculpture of herself created by a renowned artist, best known for his series that had its international debut in frankfurt; "the circle series." she attended it alone and the later did an essay on it inspiration, entitled, "when_i_was_amorphous." she stared into his eyes. hers were the color of turquoise before it is polished. she said nothing, and in that obvious blankness was a hint of color, but nevertheless she threw him a smirk, as if she was playing a game with him, like war. he watched her take off her shoes when she reached the sea and gazed upon her barefoot, as if it was a small loss like the ability to smell. she tossed them into the waves with all of her might. the froth caught them and tossled them about until they backtracked and conglormerated. gavin knew it was not just her shoes that she was throwing away. he felt like he was being pummeled by a wave, tossed upside down, lungs full of salt water...drowning, losing the life that she was. he followed her until she walked down and away from him, sometimes skipping in the foam. she is my chimera, until i can kiss her again. she is amorphous to my imagination, gavin thought, feeling tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. they ran hot from his nose down the arched slope of his cheeks like blood from a wound. she must search for someone to replace me and will eventually realize there is none other but the one who is willing to play and work with her. who is me. he turned around and dug his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. he opened the lid and pressed "contacts." he found "dennis" and pressed the shiny green minifone. it rang once, twice, and then after the third ring, he picked up. "hey, gavin. what's up, my bruffa?" "dude. i'm being killed here...motherfuck..." "lilly problems?" "fucking right." "did she leave you?" "just now." "let her go." "will she come back? this is killing me. i'm bleeding everywhere." "yeah. but not for a while." 080116 ... unhinged as lilly scuttled to the beach trying to outrun gavin and trane her anger boiled over. didn't he understand what alone meant? but when they eventually caught up to her like they always did, she couldn't help but smile. really it was more of a smirk because something in her knew they would follow. it gave her a childish satisfaction to see them follow. when lilly realized how childish it truly was her anger took over again. gavin didn't deserve her to be vindictive and mean. gavin was not the one that did anything to her. she needed to stop displacing her past onto him. she needed someone just like him to make her who she wanted to be instead of letting everything make her the horrible mess she was now. lilly got to the beach and hurled her shoes into the ocean. the power of the ocean scared her. she watched her shoes slowly get taken farther and farther out. watching her shoes became a meditation, a visualization for her anger. but quickly she realized gavin had not followed her all the way. lilly strained to look at the path between the dunes. she thought she might see a small swatch of his hair, but couldn't be sure. her feet wanted to run back towards him. she fought the urge and buried her toes in the sand. she needed to think. the crashing waves focused her mind. all those years ago, the way her virginity was taken from her, the way most of the people around her that knew tried to blame her, flooded her mind. the way that one event had subconciously taken over her life, her relationships suddenly was more clear to lilly than ever. it wasn't a new revelation to her, but somehow just clearer. all the meaningless sexual encounters she'd had, all the times she had wanted to say no because she really didn't want to and decided that she might as well just stay quiet. all the relationships where she tried to be who she thought the other person wanted while effectively suffocating who she really was, because she was afraid of who she really was and what she really wanted. that everyone around her would tell her that wasn't good enough. all the assholes that were attracted to her like a magnet because of the vulnerability that was plain in her eyes. the one specific asshole that had murdered her parents because she was always too afraid to say no. silent tears ran down lilly's face as she watched the waves roll in and out. then her thoughts turned to gavin and trane. the first night she met gavin guzzling whiskey because she was lonely and afraid, the way he sincerely siddled up to her to try to get to know her. the way he firmly and gently denied her drunken advances that night. the way he readily and quickly rearranged his life so she could be a part of it. what was she doing? none of it before him was gavin's fault. lilly wanted to think that none of it mattered either but after so much destruction, she knew that just wasn't true. but she wanted to break the patterns that held her down, that fueled her nightmares. she thought that her newfound family out here could help her. but lilly's patterns were so deeply ingrained that the fear started to drown out all hope just like the sound of the waves drowned out the sound of the cawing seagulls. damn am i tired of this, lilly thought angrily as she kicked her feet free of the sand but made no other move to get up. so tired of being lonely and afraid. the tiredness echoed through her mind as she sat and watched the waves. 080118 ... unhinged lilly sat at the beach for hours letting the sounds and smells of the ocean pummel her mind. she wanted the ocean to drown the chatter in her head. the doubts, the fear, the anger, she wanted it all to slide away into the foam that met the sand. night happened without much announcement as it usually does. even though lilly had stared at the sunset, she was surprised by the dark. her eyes had watched it but her mind hadn't understood it. a vague shape was moving towards her. 'hello. i noticed you've been sitting here for hours.' the voice was a woman's. she must have been middle-aged but the twilight was very kind to her. 'is this your yard?' 'oh no. this is a public beach. my 'yard' is right over there.' she pointed to a fence whose only purpose was to mark her property almost buried by the sand about 20 feet away. 'my name is mary.' 'my name is lilly. i live across the highway.' 'you sound like you are from the east coast lilly.' lilly smirked. 'everyone around here says that to me. you all sound like you are from california or something.' mary laughed. there was a pleasant tinkle to her laughter. she sat down next to lilly in the sand. 'why did you come to california lilly?' 'well....i thought things would be better here.' 'but they're still the same?' 'not exactly. but i'm still the same. i've always had this thought since i was a little girl that the next thing would make me happy. the next big event whether it was starting college or finishing college or moving across the continent. but i'm slowly figuring out that no matter where i go, i'm still right here. that sounds ridiculous.' 'no. it doesn't. you seem young for that realization. some people spend their whole life running from themselves. but, this place is as good as any other for figuring out how to make yourself happy lilly.' lilly started to fidget in the sand. she still wasn't used to the familiarity of strangers that most people in this town exhibited. 'thanks mary.' lilly stood up. 'i think it's time for me to head home.' 'nice to meet you lilly.' 'yeah, nice to meet you. maybe you'll see me around.' 080127 ... c r 0 w l gavin, his hope sinking slowly like a car tire with a piece of broken glass piercing it, closed his phone, snapping it shut with alligator mouth precision as if it was biting down on an unsuspecting prey. he stuffed it back into his jeans and then ran his fingers across his scraggly beard and squeezed his lips together until they hurt. he hoped dennis was wrong about lilly, that some kind of miracle would happen in her thinking and she would change her mind and return to him. he could see her in the distance, keeping an eye on her, making sure she was alright. he wanted to make his way up to her as she sat indian style on the sand, but finally decided against it, yielding to his usual selfish propensity to go after what he thinks is right, giving her the valuable space she desired. everything inside of him painfully resisted, yet he turned back to the lonely and deserted freeway overpass and jumped on his board, riding it with reckless abandon up and down the narrow concrete expanse, across the six lanes of rushing traffic and a median of oleander. coltrane chased after him several times, yipping off and on until he got bored and then just curled up in a ball against the unpainted metal bars of the safety fence. eventually gavin tired and flipped his board up, caught it, and then plopped down next to his faithful companion, rubbing his fur affectionately. coltrane lifted his head and groaned, then rested his head on his paws again. gavin leaned back against the fence and exhaled two lungfuls of anxiety and self disgust. he dug at his pocket and retrieved his phone once more. flipping open the lid, he produced lilly's name but did not press it. fighting the nagging temptation, he snapped the phone shut and felt it grow warm in his hand. calling her is so desperate, he thought. she wants to be alone. i'll give her what she wants. he put the phone away and sighed leaning his face into his open hands. he sat motionless, suddenly thinking of her alone on the beach.he gazed through the bars still able to see lilly. relieved, he sat back, listening to the electric hum of the passing cars, their rubber tire drone emitting a sense of separation and exclusion, drowning out the mellower sound of crashing surf and the occasional cry of a seagull. he could smell the fetidness of their exhaust mixed with the salt of the sea. he looked down at coltrane twitching in his sleep and wished he could escape stress and failure so easily. from where he sat he made sure he could maintain sight of lilly, able to keep her in view, even if it was just the back of her head and her hunched shoulders. there's so much about her i don't know, he thought, playing the last scene of the two of them together over and over, reviewing the words they both said and how inadequate he must have seemed to her. i spend so much time concerned for myself and my pleasure, he reasoned. the whole time she was gone i was trying to fill up her absence with a way to replace her. after an hour passed, his eyelids grew heavy and each time he shut them it took him longer and longer to keep them open. unable to stop the tug, he surrendered and was soon dreaming. ...he was walking on the sand and saw lilly up ahead, sitting near the water. he could see someone sitting next to her. it was ruth. as he approached them, he noticed they were sitting extremely close to each other, so close that sometimes he thought they were just one person, someone he didn't recognize at all. someone altogether different. when he came upon this girl, he asked her where lilly was. "you mean ruth?" the girl asked. gavin felt embarrassed and looked out to the sea. the water was red. he watched a bi-winged airplane flying by pulling a banner that read, "WE ARE WHAT WE THINK." when he turned back to the girl, she was gone. somewhat startled and deeply perplexed, gavin opened his eyes. lilly was kneeling before him. 080127 what's it to you? who go blather from