bitterly_begin_again three hopeful thoughts I've spent the last year denying that I enjoy writing. I built it all up, writing was the one thing that all my relatives and friends could positively identify as an "interest" of mine without having their heads bitten off. I believe I even claimed to be...good...at it, at one point . Terrible. I've now reached that point in my life where ACTUAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS are expected of me. I'm supposed to have REAL GOALS. I'm supposed to take initiative, DO things with myself. And shit, everyone is remembering that I once enjoyed writing. So I'm supposed to be WRITING. ALL THE TIME. Its understood that I am to at least take some writing classes (if I'm going to have to be so silly as to not apply myself to a university). It would be okay that my relatives (my own father, among them) assume that I would follow the path I seemed to be making when I was fifteen...in writing. BUT I actively express my DISINTEREST in writing when the subject is brought up. When my seemingly 'fiery hate' for writing went unnoticed, I adopted a new approach. I just ignored all comments related to writing, or acted entirely bored or neutral to the matter. Still THEY persisted. These people that I have to talk to because I sort of love them and we share some similar blood or have some past bond. I named different, CURRENT interests. Nothing. So I'm tired of fighting. I'm not great. I can't string together a story, I can't argue effectively, poetry is lost on me anymore, and I usually don't have much to say. I'm not very insightful, I can't use most of the words I know without feeling like a charlatan (in fact, I've never used the word "charlatan" in a spoken sentence. I've never even had the sweet sweet glory --i imagine one would have-- of calling anyone else a charlatan). so, I suck, pretty much. And I've decided that its okay. because blather is practice, and blather is so much more interesting than a notebook. or even my really fucking cute "where the wild things are" journal, which is even COLLEGE RULED! blather is better and easier. so I'm going to make an effort. But I'm still going to be bitter. 050625 ... a chaotic gift to idealism just be. not every ensightful thing has to be a poem or a story. 050625 ... misstree i walked out with head high and honor intact so for once i get to sweetly_begin_again 050626 what's it to you? who go blather from