Soma When I was younger, and in middle school, I just really didn't get along with girls, and got teased if I talked to boys. I was unconventional, in a weird way, and a perpetual "new kid" in school. I rarely had anyone to call a friend.

My family has had a computer since I was a kid. So, I started joining chatrooms and pretending to be a boy, even though I was born a girl. To my suprise, online, on the internet, I was COOL. I was popular. I was complimented for my choice of books, and music, and the photos that I took, and the fact that I did X and Y weird things. I was amazed by this. I was so hungry for friendship.

I became really close friends with several people, and talked daily with them for about three years. My sex was the only lie. But this little thing ate at me, it gnawed away, it made me feel so guilty.
"Can I consider myself their friend when I'm lying to them?" I thought.
and I didn't know the answer to that, but I'd try think they'd forgive me.

But I was lying to myself more than I was lying to them. And I couldn't face how I'd feel if they didn't want to be friends anymore just because I wasn't gifted with a penis between my legs. No. I can't blame it on that, even though I'd like to. The blame has to be assigned. I couldn't face the fact that it would be MY fault. My fault because I lied and nobody wants to be friends with a filthy liar.

So one day I just disappeared, and I stopped talking to all of them. I didn't log on, I didn't tell anyone one why, I just stopped. I felt terrible. I knew and loved and cared about these people and they were my internet friends but they could never be my outernet friends or they would realize the lie, and I couldn't face doing that because someone had lied to me in the same hurtful way once and it was Awful with a capital "A" for asshole.

So to all my internet friends, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't have the balls to tell you and become an outernet friend. I'm sorry I got caught up in my own net of lies and let it hurt you.

I'm sure you worried and wondered and sighed and talked about what could have happened to me.
Or maybe you didn't.

After all, we were "just" internet friends.
what's it to you?
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