no reason tried and tried but no more 031005
unhinged my mother was. she knew. but she was in_denial about it. if she didn't acknowledge it, it wasn't going on. she stayed up at night waiting for me to get home. even though i was 20, i had a 1am curfew so it wasn't hard. she would wait for me to get home from dennys ; she waited by the stove and i walked in the back door high as a kite. my mother knew i was a pothead. but she never said a word. she gave me the cold shoulder, but she never said a word. i don't blame her for living in denial. even though cognitively i admitted my own addiction, emotionally i couldn't. how could i expect my mother to be in my face about it? she knows as well as me how my dad is. my mom keeps a lot of secrets about me and my brother from my dad. because she's afraid that if he knows how much like her family we really are, he won't love us anymore. my dad has a history of abandonment and grudges if he thinks he is right.

there wasn't any other way out. we knew what we had become. but it was the only thing that got us up in the morning. as sickening as that was to all of us, it kept us together, alive. so we sat in our little room, feeding our own individual addictions knowing that at least with each other we were safe. that at least if one of us passed out, the others would stay to make sure we didn't choke on our own vomit in our sleep. that if we couldn't drive home but we had to that someone would follow us to make sure we got there okay even if it was a half an hour out of the way at 2am when they had to get up for class at 8. the only thing we were in denial about was how much we honestly needed help.
what's it to you?
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