my_brother angry_little_girl is a very reserved person quiet and intelligent and not always obviously happy i'm two years older than him. and female. our father controlled me and bullied us i took out my frustrations on my brother. i made him play strange sexual games and i beat him up. i can't remember what i did all the time, but the things i do remember are horrific. as adults we've been quite distant. but last night that changed. and now i don't know how to feel. i've always felt guilty and disgusted with myself. he says he doesn't blame me. but he had no one stick up for him during all those years, my parents didn't know what i was doing, and i didn't protect him from their indifference or stupidity. i told him last night that for more than ten years i'd felt this way and that i'd always wanted to reach out to him but that i'd felt unable to. i blame myself for him being gay because of those games we played and the way i treated him. he said the thought had crossed his mind too. what do you say to that? being gay isn't a bad thing, but he says he wants a family and i'm not sure he's all that happy about not being attracted to women. how can i now be his friend? how can i reconcile the things i did and how can he not be angry with me forever? how is it that two years of behaving like that when you know so little about the world can have such an impact. surely that's not fair. what if he suffers for the rest of his life for what i did to him. how can i make this better? how can i make this ok? it seems he wants me in his life. and all i feel is that the best way for me to help him is to leave him alone and try not to remind him of what i did. 040602 what's it to you? who go blather from