i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_21 unhinged lilly woke up in a strange place with a pounding headache. she sat up and looked around. gavin was nowhere to be found. she tried very hard to pull the details of the previous night from her addled brain. the urge to piss became unbearable and lilly exited the tent she found herself in and made her way into the house. she walked past the remanents of the bonfire and remembered singing. lilly also noticed the many empty and abandoned wine bottles strewn everywhere. no wonder i have a headache. red wine....she held her head in her left hand and spun an empty bottle with her right. lilly weaved her way through the refuse and still sleeping bodies to the house. she stumbled into gavin carrying two coffee cups, one oily and black, the other a tasty caramel color. 'you ruined my surprise.' his hands full, gavin stuck his lips out in an exagerrated pucker. lilly grabbed her cup and bit his bottom lip. 'i have to pee so bad it hurts. thanks for coffee.' she brushed past him into the house and her stomach turned over at the smell of the coffee. there were sleeping bodies covering every available surface in the house also, but when lilly got to the bathroom the door was locked. she impatiently waited, hopping up in down in a quintessential potty dance. the door clicked open and suddenly lilly was face to face with ruth. ruth brushed past her, silent, glaring. an image of ruth on gavin's lap through the flicker of flames hazy with alcohol flashed past lilly's eyes. she almost dropped her coffee cup. lilly wanted to cry. she knew she had seen that....gavin with another woman. her worst nightmare come true. lilly sat with her head in her hands, pants around her ankles on the toilet. another memory flashed before her eyes, as the relief of emptying her bladder cleared her head a bit. it was gavin, on one knee. lilly dumped her cup of coffee into the sink and rushed outside. she found gavin alone near their tent. 'we need to leave. now.' 080216 ... unhinged gavin looked up, surprised, shocked. 'lilly? why? what's wrong?' lilly walked over to him and grabbed his hand. 'please. let's just go.' she practically whispered in his ear. 'you aren't going to tell me what's wrong?' 'not right now.' she gathered her shoes and clothes from the tent and started walking towards the car. the tears started to tumble out before she could stop them. she started to wipe at them so gavin wouldn't see, but the more she dabbed and sniffled the faster they fell. she got in his car, wordless. gavin looked over and saw the tear stains on her cheeks, her trembling lip, the swell of tears in her eyes. 'lilly?' she turned away from him and looked out the window. 'please. just drive.' gavin's heart beat like bird wings in his chest. her tears twisted his gut in knots. ruth said something to her. damn. i know it. he tried to keep his eyes on the road, tried not to keep casting nervous glances in her direction. 'you seem guilty.' gavin started at the sound of her voice. 'what?' 'you seem nervous. jumpy. guilty. i saw you gavin. i saw you with her. while i was singing, on the patio.' gavin stared straight ahead, afraid to look at her. 080217 ... c r 0 w l guilty? gavin thought pressing the back of his head firmly into the headrest. of what? i've done nothing wrong. still he said nothing, choosing instead to let the pain of her accusatory words pierce deep into his soul like an arrow or a knife. it was how he dealt with confrontation and judgement. he let it bleed and then clamped the wound with his hand like a shut mouth, silently stopping the flow of truth until it oozed and leaked around his fingers draining him slowly of dignity. he barely even blinked, zombie-staring straight ahead past the dusty dashboard, the macrame and bead sculpture lilly made hanging from the mirror, and the smudged windshield to the winding canyon roads and endless mounds of chaparra whirring past like the blurred memories of the past ten hoursl. he drove dangerously fast and shut the stereo off because music was like a happiness impossible to generate in times of such unexpected dismay. however, the silence he was trying to create was dismantled over and over by lilly's gut-wrenching sobs, visible as clouds of exasperation forming against her passenger side's window. gavin hid inside of himself, closing the door behind him and watched the drama of the previous night unfold before him. as if in some hastily edited film he could see ruth flying abruptly off his lap in slow motion, her arms askew like a rag doll, her hair separating like scattered straw, her body hitting the stones hard. gripping the steering wheel white knuckled, he once more saw the drunken crowd partto let him into lilly's circle, heard the uncomfortable stillness of their gasping and tittering and beheld lilly waiting for him with sloe-eyed expectation. why had she not even uttered one single word about his sincere proposal? at first he figured she was simply embarrassed and shy because of the way she grabbed his hand and dragged him off into the shadows of the darkened orchard. but even after they had slipped away into a tent and he held her desperately in his arms with her face against his chest she acted numb and despondent. finally she fell asleep to cricket's violins and the distant yelps of a coyote. he remembered laying awake most of the night hoping it was that she was simply too drunk, but then when the first light of dawn arrived with the hope she would regain the clarity she had lost...fuck it...gavin thought and pressed the fingers of his right hands against his eyes. they rode that way, like strangers, all the way back home. lilly sat motionless when the car stopped in the tiny driveway. gavin could hear coltrane barking excitedly from inside the house. he thought it was the saddest noise he had ever heard in his whole life. 080218 ... unhinged 'we shouldn't have gone there. i'm sorry. sorry it was my idea. sorry i had to know what about her was better.' a wordless protest escaped gavin's lips. lilly bolted from the car before he could form words and ran in the house. coltrane lead her to the back of the house, tail wagging, ears perked. she opened the back door for him and he dashed out to piss on his favorite tree. gavin was paralyzed in the car. he had fucked it up. fucked it up so bad. not only did he create the situation with ruth that tore lilly apart, but he couldn't even open his mouth to defend himself. he couldn't justify the tears streaming down lilly's face that he knew were his fault. another moment from the night before popped into his mind. it was lilly saying 'well i guess we really don't know each other.' all the women before lilly flashed before gavin's eyes. the overlap from one to the next. the 'dating' several girls at once. all the times he told himself that was because he was looking for the perfect girl when it was really because he was weak. too weak to say no. he wasn't virtuous. he wasn't perfect. he felt like such an asshole. but he loved her. he wanted to change for her. he wanted to become the person that would help her get over all her past. he got of the car and slowly walked towards the house. 080219 ... c r 0 w l gavin stopped at the first wooden step, with its worn riser and peeling paint. he grabbed on to the railing and hesitated before going any further. she's disgusted with me right now, he thought, exhaling. he smelled the waft of velvety jasmine coming from lilly's blooming hanging baskets on the porch. a sea breeze was eliciting fragrance from them. she doesn't want me in her vision. she doesn't want to hear my voice. to her i am a liar. he once more, in his mind's eye saw ruth appearing at dennis's party from the shadows. if he didn't want her, why didn't he tell her to leave instead of permitting her to sit on his lap? but i kicked her off, he reasoned. and he realized that was huge. lilly was all to him, yet she didn't know that. how could she know that? what did he have to do? all she saw was ruth on his lap. she didn't see her being catapaulted. gavin removed a small journal from the back pocket of his worn levis and sat down on the steps. he began writing... "my darling lilly... 080220 ... c r 0 w l this was the only way, after careful consideration, that i could determine to speak with you... i'm going away to become yours. that's all i know to do. it's too hard to live our world right now. i'm not good enough yet. i want you to be the one who takes my breath away. i want you to look at me and say, "his heart is clean. this is my beloved and i am his." i will send you money for rent and living expenses...and go learn to drive, you can have my car... but, i know with the selling of your paintings you won't need my money. instead use it to build our home. i will write to you. and if you want, call me. i'll try to keep my batteries charged somehow. more than likely i'll be north, somewhere in the mountains, living in the wilderness. i only want to see my god. i want to hear a voice crying out from the wilderness. i want to become the one who kerouac spoke of...the one who burns. i must be alone with nature. she is the only one who can save me from myself. be well. paint. paint. paint. the world awaits your talent. sing. sing. sing. dennis browne should be contacting you about a house show in pacific palisades...you should do it. he's a good man. he was in trouble in the past but he's better now. for sure. i'll always be thinking of you. hoping you will consider my offer for marriage. take care of coltrane. i know you love him. we will be....gavin 080220 ... c r 0 w l he ripped the letter from his journal, producing jagged lines as serrated as his own soul. folding it, he walked up to the porch and inserted it in the mailbox, which already contained some junk and a letter from lilly's brother. he also placed his keys for the old saab inside. sighing, he turned around and walked away from his present life, vowing to return when he became the one lilly desired. 080220 what's it to you? who go blather from