i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_15
unhinged the day after the funeral was numbing for lilly. after all the condolences and casseroles, the reality of gram's passing hit her like a blow to the back of the knees. life felt like an oppressive weight pushing down on her shoulders.

owen tried to cheer her up but the ghost of sadness visible even in his normally bright eyes was all lilly could see when she looked at him. her eyes were in constant danger of being flooded by tears even during owen's funny/stupid movie marathon. cooper sat on the couch between them and brought their hands together in a fist in her lap then linked her right arm through owen's left and her left arm through lilly's right. lilly laid her head on cooper's shoulder.

'i'm sorry i just left and didn't tell you guys.' cooper untangled her arm and started to pet lilly's head.

'at least you called to give us your new info lil. maybe me and coop will come visit eventually.' owen squeezed lilly's hand painfully.

'that would be so great o-man.' lilly's voice was thick with tears and owen looked up and made a pouty face in her direction, half mocking half sympathetic.

'maybe you'll be married to your lover boy by then.' lilly jerked her hand out of owen's grasp.

'don't say that.'

'why?'

'because it is perfect the way it is. you will jinx it.'

'pah. you and your cosmic superstitions. i wouldn't mind if this guy put a ring on your finger.'

'okay dad. i've only known him for a few months. i think it's too soon to be talking about forever. but it would be nice....'

'ah HAH. i knew it. you looooove him.'

'maybe. just a little bit.' lilly stared straight ahead at the tv and reached across cooper's lap to hit owen in the stomach suprisingly hard with a flick of her wrist. he lunged to get her back.

'ok you two. i am not in the middle of this.' cooper vaulted off the couch. 'pierogies or ka...ka...'

'kapoosta? i can't eat that. it has meat in it.'

'i'll do both then.' cooper reheated the food the old fashioned way on the stove and they all sat down to their third round of sympathy food since the funeral.

'i gotta say the only good thing about a polish/ukranian funeral has to be all the food' owen said taking a bite of kielbasa with saurkraut and potatoes. 		080104
...
c r 0 w l gavin shook dennis' calloused hand and thanked him genuinely. he had that sense of raw adventure swirling inside of him, of a time when he was not himself, at least the self he felt obligated to be, more that he was learning who he really was. scares me a little, he thought, but perfect love casts out fear and that's when the lilliness of his soul took over.

gavin jumped out of the van, waved heartily to the sound of dennis' beep and unlocked his volvo. he sat down on the frayed seat and pressed his eyes into his waiting fingers, sighing forth a true sense of completion. there are some things we do in this life, he realized, that are best done without a script, and they are the ones we write the stories about.

the buzz from the ride was a vibrant one and so when he turned on the ipod, the music put everything under the microscope. he loved looking at his life this way. it was the one way he felt immortal. cinematic memories which somehow clay-shaped him into someone a bit better.

he lifted the turn signal and pulled into traffic, singing and drumming upon the steering wheel. at stop lights he looked over to other drivers and passengers. he would break into effortless smiles simply because he was alive and so were they. they looked at him as the light turned green with eyes that questioned his sincerity. some of their gazes were wary, others seem mildly interested. some turned away without pause for consideration. he didn't care. it's your loss. he thought. come on, roll down your window. i want to tell you how to live! once a child returned his grin. if i was any happier i would explode, gavin laughed. 		080105
...
c r 0 w l when gavin drove along the sea, he framed the moments, putting each one before himself. he was the judge removing everything around what was, all the substance except for what mattered. he loved to do that. he could do it with everything.

i know i can't hold on to them, he told himself, watching the sun shining on the surface of the ocean breaking it into a million slivers of light. i'm discovering that there is so much of myself that wants to be free of oppression. how selfish is that, he wondered. how much of me is violating lilly?

but, i'm living. that's what he told himself. that's what he believed. yet, he remembered ruth leaning her body into him at the fire and he knew it was dangerous to live like that. extremely. he knew it was like removing oxygen at the vital moment and all could change.

it was like gluing a newspaper on top of a painting and then later pulling ot off and the print remains like a scar. it became the damage.

it would happen to lilly and him. no, it won't, he told himself. yet, he knew it already happened and it was one of the most beautiful things he ever experienced. how could something so beautiful to one person destroy someone else gavin thought biting his lip. i did nothing, but i did everything.

"i only want to be this happy." he said aloud, as one song ended and another began. 		080105
...
unhinged as gavin drove along the ocean, his phone rang. 'lilly' flashed across the front of his phone. he fumbled to flip the phone open in his excitement. 'i'm almost there.'

'how long?' the economy of words slapped gavin in the face.

'i'm sorry lil. i just got back to my car a little bit ago. maybe a half hour.'

lilly closed her eyes and bit her lip. 'it's okay gavin. amazingly, my flight was actually on time. i just want to see you.' her voice lowered. 'i need to see you.'

'i need to see you too.'

lilly smiled at the schoolboy lust in his voice. 'it's too bad the car ride home is three hours long.'

'why's that?'

'sorry, i can't tell you right now.' lilly looked at the asian family close by. 'too many little ears in my general vicinity. the trip home was harder than i thought it was going to be. and it was really hard to say goodbye to boo....' she let out a long sigh. 'i just want to see you when i talk to you. i'm at the delta baggage claim. be safe and i'll see you soon.'

'ok. i just passed a sign that said i'm ten miles from the airport. stupid LAX...'

'that could take ten hours then. these little kids are really cute. and i have half a pack of cigarettes. i'll be here waiting as patiently as i can. i missed you so much. you're so close i can almost taste you.'

'you're right. it IS too bad the ride home is three hours long. soon, soon.'

'bye.'

'bye.' he snapped his phone shut. 		080107
...
c r 0 w l "fuck!" gavin shouted. his anxiety-filled voice rose with a far flung cadence that swelled over the sound of his music. he totally forgot lilly was coming on the morning flight. he had convinced himself it was a night flight, or was it late-afternoon. he didn't even know or was it that he just didn't remember? he could feel his soul filling up like a flooding basement with the brackish, filthy waters of guilt. he wanted to bring coltrane along with him to greet her. an attempt to unify them as a "family" once again. "fucking shit!" he yelled louder and pounded the dashboard, scattering dust and ash. it sounded forth his unescapable anguish. he was absolutely disgusted with himself and burned fiery with shame at what his selfishness had ripped and torn away from lilly.

his simple, but romantic plans involved a thoughtful array of things she'd love; coltrane of course, but also a clutch of stargazer lillies, and three boxed truffles wrapped in tissue and waxed paper from her favorite chocolate shoppe. "fuck!" he muttered, his self-inflicted anger remitted to numbing depression.

he drove on, having to turn around and change directions to the airport, staring out the windshield like a zombie, turning the music off, and permitting the white noise of humming tires and passing cars to become a dirge. it was a potential part of something viable that would bring growth to their budding relationship and he had killed it. he had tramped on it without seeing it. he had forgotten about what was important to lilly and in so doing, he realized the loss was not just his, but moreso hers. she needed him as a comfort, and his arms would still be warm from ruth's body against his. "fuck!"

yet, he knew he couldn't allow the mistake to become more than what it actually was. lilly needed him, whoever he was; whatever he was at the time. he wasn't perfect. he was scarred and tempted. but, he wanted to be able to love her completely.
rubbing his hair off his forehead over and over in some kind of desperate attempt to erase all traces of his hedonistic jaunt, he couldn't remove the obvious fact that he still loved himself more. 		080108
...
unhinged lilly sat down on an ugly and uncomfortable metal bench and lit a cigarette. she watched the gaggle of asian kids playing and chasing and screaming.

the travel weary mother sat one bench over staring to the horizon, every now and then a stray eye following one of the five children that all appeared to be hers. the smallest one toddled over to her and reached up. the mother fished in her bag and pulled out some crackers. she opened the bag and set it on the seat of the bench for the little boy.

the little boy grabbed a fistful of crackers and stared at them because he had a pacifier in his mouth. like most very small children he had no inkling of ambidexterity. lilly chuckled and he looked at her.

'you have to take the pacifier out little dude.' the mother eyed lilly and her cigarette suspiciously. the little boy turned towards her voice and walked the couple steps towards her. he placed his empty hand on her knee.

'toyo' the mother scolded.

'no no. it's okay.' lilly reached down and took the pacifier out of his mouth and handed it to his mother. he began happily stuffing all the crackers in his mouth at once.

a big conversion van pulled up to the loading dock and the mother began to herd up the children and the luggage. the little boy took some more crackers and placed one on lilly's knee.

'ooooohhh. how stinking cute you are. thank you.' lilly reached out to pat the boy's head but the mother scooped him up with a tight lipped smile and put him in a child seat in the van. he flashed a smile at her that made his eyes disappear and the van drove away.

lilly watched several other families and couples leave the bench next to her. she lit another cigarette. 'gavin....what the hell. i should have known you'd forget. damn.' the latest person on the neighboring bench looked at her like she was crazy. she let out an exasperated sigh.

finally gavin pulled up to the curb. lilly was so relieved to see him her anger just melted away.

'i'm so sorry lilly. i forgot....i thought....' gavin moved to take her luggage from her. she grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him so long and hard most of the people nearby started fidgeting. he pulled her close 'hello to you too.' 		080108
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
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