enablers kerry it was summer and i was working at a bookstore. a coworker suggested i write for the local paper–the editor had come in and mentioned he could use some writers. at the first weekly editorial meeting you said shyly that you liked my tattoos. you were pretty in an unconventional way: so tall and rail-thin, flaming orange hair down your back, neon green eyes. you were a painter but you’d started at the paper a few months ago. five cents a word, an insult, but we were both so bored. your apartment was filled with your paintings, a couch that took up half the living room, pictures cut out of magazines and glued to all the walls, a small gray cat with a white mustache. you left the tv on when you weren’t home; a strange habit, i thought. the fridge was nearly empty and one of your kitchen cabinets was packed with white and orange bottles. i’d never seen so many pills, didn’t know what to think. we’d both quit smoking cigarettes but started again. i don’t remember what brand, though i wish i did. nothing seemed off-limits (except the pharmacy in your kitchen, that wasn’t my bag). i was always “fine” driving that big white buick home from your place, so late that the roads were empty. i gripped the steering wheel for dear life, wavering between “what the fuck am i doing” and “i’ve done this before, big deal.” getting home was a relief. it was your idea to quit writing for the paper. we did the town’s monthly “art walk,” sneered at all the motel art. let’s start our own gallery, you said. the editor let us use the meeting space and we sent out inquiries, posted them in the newspaper. our opening show was outrageous, amazing. we were elated–we’d worked our asses off. people actually came, bought art, lingered. at the end of the night i had a seizure and when i came-to you were sitting in front of me, your face kind and sympathetic. i was crying. our editor took me home. you asked me if it was weird having regular phone sex with some dude in california. i said do what you want, it doesn’t matter to me. and you didn’t judge me either. you read my stories, took pics of me wearing those round sunglasses, texted late at night in a panic. so i foolishly hung around. you became embarrassing. we went to crow bar where the bartender knew you and you ordered tequila with water. one night you were digging through your purse for lip balm, couldn’t find it, so you dumped the whole thing on the table. mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, pens and notebooks, tampons. you want this? you said, handing me an eyeshadow palette. i didn’t but i took it anyway. one afternoon when we were at my place listening to records we went outside to have a smoke. i was bitching about my loud neighbors. it seemed to unlatch something in you and i watched in horror as you screamed at them. they weren’t even home; you were screaming at the box elder trees, at the sky, at life. finally i decided it had to end. i couldn’t bear to ghost you; you were so easily wounded. it was a nasty break-up. in a fog i tried to explain that it was too much, i’m sorry but it’s all too much. you arrived at my house unannounced, banged on the door, and when i opened the door i found a grocery bag filled with the t-shirt and the bowie album you’d borrowed, a card i’d made you, some lighters. you were standing across the street glaring at me. i didn’t touch it. i wasn’t angry–i was sad. i still wish you’d thrown it all in a dumpster. i don’t want this stuff back, i said. fuck you, you spat at me, i hate you. i went inside, head spinning, left the bag on my stoop. i tried to forget you’d ever existed, though later when i did some internet sleuthing i saw you’d moved to san diego. you looked happy, but who can say if you really were. what is it about me, i kept asking myself, that attracts people like this? 220201 ... kerry [ugh, typos really grind my gears: "you asked me if it was weird that you were having phone sex..." not that it really matters. just wanted to clarify.] 220201 ... raze this ran right through me like a blade. thank you for all you give and all you share here, kerry. your voice is so beautiful and strong. always. 220202 ... unhinged i spent my twenties doing what i thought was helping people who didn't actually want help but if i focused on the suffering of others i could pretend my own traumas didn't exist. i spent my thirties running from the people i enabled in my twenties and eventually sat down to face and heal myself my middle age is expanding before me with all kinds of possibilities sometimes 'no' is the best gift you can give someone. everytime he called me asking for money and i gave it to him knowing he was going to buy heroin with it the circle of darkness and guilt expanded. to give or not to give; that is always my question. 220202 ... kerry [thank you so much, raze. this felt good to write. and thanks, unhinged, for continuing the thread!] 220202 ... past a small, symbolic corner of the city is under occupation by kid aggressive reactionaries while the powers_that_be shrug and the enablers profit, because they don't actually care about those who live here. 220202 ... unhinged all people, even people you don't agree with, have the right to protest in an actual democracy your contempt of protest is disappointing. so is your painting of all people who are anti vaccine mandate as ignorant unvaxxed right wingers. i am not covid vaxxed i will not be covid vaxxed covid vaccines have hurt thousands if not millions of people based on worldwide vaccine injury reporting systems i think if covid vaccines make you feel safer that YOU should have them i have been boosting my immune system through diet and supplements for many years and i have yet to catch covid i have avoided saying anything because i keep my politics to myself on red but be aware i am not the only unvaxxed person here. your judgements rub some of us here the wrong way. i have the right to my own medical decisions and i take plenty of time and effort to make my medical decisions. your prejudice is just that. all humans must die if you want an experimental gene therapy for a virus that has a 99% survival rate be my guest. but don't be a snotty asshole because you trust entities that don't deserve my trust 220202 ... past there's a difference, people can make their choices and live with consequences. but deafening neighbourhoods for days, defecating on front steps of people just trying to life, harassing women in the street, running toxic large machines endlessly, demanding the overthrow of an elected government, and rubbing shoulders flying literal nazi flags are all bad things. 220202 ... unhinged shitting on steps and waving nazi flags are bad but i personally have no problem with disruptive protest. protests are supposed to make the bystanders uncomfortable. that's the point man. and if you think violating the bodily autonomy and medical privacy of others to mandate drugs with no long term saftey data is ok because you perceive the people fighting against the mandates to be on the other political team you need to be made uncomfortable. the declaration of independence says i, as an american anyways, have the obligation to stand up against or willfully disobey unjust laws. i will not comply. if you think i should 'for the good of society' you are a fascist enabler. and i do not say that lightly because i know the horrors committed by fascists a century ago. there are western countries right now today with covid internment camps. about 40% of surveyed democrats in america think we should have covid internment camps here. which i would be forced into in a heartbeat because i refuse to comply. not because i am sick. but because i refuse to put something never before used in humans with no long term saftey data in my body because i have been refusing pharmaceutical interventions in my health problems for twenty years. they will come for me first and you think the people trying to stop that need to shut up and go home. the holocaust didn't happen because nazis were evil. the holocaust happened because a bunch of scared people fell for a scapegoat and then looked the other way when they started to tumble down the slippery slope of fascism. if you think my historical comparison is gauche or unacceptable you need to be made uncomfortable. 220202 ... raze hey, do you guys remember when this blathe was a nice piece kerry wrote about a friendship that fell apart? those were some good times, weren't they? why, i remember it like it was yesterday... 220202 ... nr sorry to continue this on here, kerry, but i had to reply... i don't think past was showing contempt for protesting itself (please correct me if i'm wrong, past) but specifically what the participants were protesting against, and their behaviour.  i'm all for getting vaxxed, because unvaccinated people are still the most likely people to catch the virus and spread it, hence crowding the ICUs. And it's riskier for others, especially immune compromised people, people who can't get the vaccine for medical reasons, and children who aren't old enough to be vaxxed yet. plus, there are people who are getting long-haul covid. no matter what the survival rate is, there are horrible things happening.  in any case, ultimately do what you want with your body, but don't complain if you have to quarantine per the fair rules before interacting with people in another country, as truckers will. or do complain, but i will disagree with your complaint and find it selfish. 220202 ... kerry thanks a lot, y'all. if something i wrote inspired you to contribute i'm all for that, but... what the hell? can we either end this altogether or take it elsewhere? like in a private email? 220202 ... past yeah, sorry, i've basically been keeping myself up writing and deleting things. basically slowed myself down from spinning out now. writing and deleting is a catharsis for me sometimes. (still got a lot of anger at enablers, but pins go in its.) 220202 ... unhinged the social responsibility angle of taking experimental drugs rings especially hollow to me because i live in a country where i haven't had healthcare/insurance for fifteen years. i don't make medical decisions based on feelings like fear and guilt. i make my medical decisions based on science and a rational cost benefit analysis. i originally wrote a post full of that science but deleted most of it because you will most surely decide without verifying any of it that i am lying because you have already decided which narrative you are willing to believe. covid has a 99% survival rate. 'common good over the individual good' 'for the good of society' were literally common refrains of nazis, part of their 25 point plan. international laws around informed consent and experimental drugs were codified in the NUREMBERG codes because of nazis. 220202 ... unhinged sorry...i forgot for a minute i have to censor myself and just not talk about covid 220202 what's it to you? who go blather from