i_cannot_feel ivyducktwilightseto i feel more awkward, displaced, and distant with every word that i utter and every single second that passes. This whole world seems so far away and i cannot find my way back to it. My mind and body feel hollow and shielded from every feeling and sensation that i used to have. Joy and sadness alike are gone. now there is nothing. suidide was always just such a relieving thought. now that i am growing older it really just doesn't seem like such a possibility anymore. and i could never do such a thing to her. so now i have to face a life that i am completely unprepared for and cannot handle. there was never much room for thoughts about living in a mind that was so filled with death. i have spent nearly every day for the past seven years leading up to some sort of emotional climax and collapse... and now i am seeing that it will just never happen. now i am starting to feel sad again. there is comfort in just that small, simple feeling of sadness... however bad it may be. but it is a place where i feel at home. if i can't find this illusion called happiness... at least i can face my world feeling like this. please let it continue this way for just a few more hours....... 061121 ... phil Stop fueling the fire. 061122 ... ivyducktwilightseto meh 061126 ... ivyducktwilightseto i really have been trying in every way possible to fight off this feeling. The past week or so has been a little better, but somewhere I still feel it clawing its way up inside of me. 061126 what's it to you? who go blather from