bulimic_procedure sixteen ++ a jerk of the neck up through each separate bone that makes up my spine like a long chain of knuckles, clenching into a fist. ++ acrid, wrong, filthy, it comes spilling out, screaming like angry obscenities, burning as everything rewinds; moving backwards, swallowing backwards. ++ clean, pure, empty, free. I am alone within myself, clinging to the white of independence, the solitude of happiness. 030602 ... endless desire for me it is simple now. my body no longer needs me to think about where i am going, what i need to get. . .the procedure. im a master of the procedure. far too familiar with the damn procedure. its just going through motions like you might to brush your teeth or pour a bowl of cereal. you see, it starts with a bowl from under the stove and a handful of napkins with a bottle of water ((that i never drink but always get)) i collect the quilt near the couch and hang it on the nails cross my window finding the music i play a song i do not enjoy so i will not ruin one that i do. [i hate bad memories, i have far too many] it must be loud nearly blaring--so that no one will hear i sit on my knees and tease my throat. . . within a few songs my job is done. i feel so clean. and releaved and comforted. i have done the right thing. it is what i deserve. a little shaky but never scared. i am not weak i can do this. i have accomplished this, understand? i am not weak. i can handle it. it is not hurting me. i am not weak. i am just going through the motions. this is what i need. this is what i deserve. dont eat. dont ruin what youve accomplished. oh but the circle starts again. and it never ends. once again, i am trapped. i live my whole life trapped. but at least i dont use the trashcans anymore. 030602 ... seventeen Its not sad to me anymore. its not wrong, its just there. I always feel too full. feeling fat isn't such an issue, its just feeling too full. 040522 what's it to you? who go blather from