sixteen ++
a jerk of the neck up through each separate bone that makes up my spine like a long chain of knuckles, clenching into a fist.

acrid, wrong, filthy, it comes spilling out, screaming like angry obscenities, burning as everything rewinds; moving backwards, swallowing backwards.

clean, pure, empty, free. I am alone within myself, clinging to the white of independence, the solitude of happiness.
endless desire for me
it is simple now.
my body no longer needs me to think
about where i am going, what i need to get. . .the procedure.
im a master of the procedure.
far too familiar with the damn procedure.
its just going through motions
like you might to brush your teeth
or pour a bowl of cereal.

you see, it starts with a bowl
from under the stove
and a handful of napkins with a bottle of water
((that i never drink but always get))
i collect the quilt near the couch
and hang it on the nails cross my window
finding the music
i play a song i do not enjoy
so i will not ruin one that i do.
[i hate bad memories, i have far too many]
it must be loud
nearly blaring--so that no one will hear
i sit on my knees
and tease
my throat. . .

within a few songs
my job is done.
i feel so clean.
and releaved
and comforted.
i have done the right thing.
it is what i deserve.
a little shaky
but never scared.
i am not weak
i can do this.
i have accomplished this, understand?
i am not weak.
i can handle it.
it is not hurting me.
i am not weak.
i am just going through the motions.
this is what i need.
this is what i deserve.
dont eat. dont ruin what youve accomplished.

oh but the circle starts again.
and it never ends.
once again, i am trapped.
i live my whole life trapped.
but at least i dont use the trashcans anymore.
seventeen Its not sad to me anymore.
its not wrong, its just there.
I always feel too full.
feeling fat isn't such an issue, its just feeling too full.
what's it to you?
who go