i_am_finally_home warmthofrelease (it's_messy_it's_supposed_to_be_messy) ===== show me life_as_an_instrument: I am vain and I am blind the only way to my heart is to humble me in a way that doesn't make me feel challenged or bitter which I believe is near impossible FUCK you, this IS more fun than being alive you think you can be on the winning side of chaos? there_is_no_winning_side, there is no side at all give me death_by_asceticism and give me liberty I assume the right to refuse, wanted_or_unwanted it_is_all_I_want_and_it's_not it_is_all_I_need_and_it's_not and I will never be the same as the day my mouth was full of blood what will I leave and take from this world it comforts a kindled mind to know that the measurements all equal out in the end I think I must have sunk rising surely wouldn't feel so safe all just to show you what a little starvation can do to show you what little is in front of you and what little you can do I_want_to_be_a_reason_to_live you can ask for me to love you you can ask me why I should but not both why not just bury me alive test the waters, see if I survive if you came to take me back then come take me by force, but come give me my resources my reasons and I'll make it there just come get me just so that you could put god in a guillotine how much we uncovered in those beautiful lies I can't find it in me to love myself I have to lean on the love that is given until I can, until I can for as long as I need to come to me 260831 ... warmthofrelease (I was told devotion_is_worth_the_effort why_would_I_not_believe? yes, we will get_to_the_bottom_of_this we will behave) ===== feel so enlightened about the complicated things and so confused about the simple things because the things you laugh about are the things I wanna cry about and the things you cry about always me laugh what an absolute bowlingforgarbage team, completely completely hopeless you already know you're gonna play one more so just put your quarter down now I do just hate to be clear it really is boring but only compared to what I've seen I have to drown in something, ===== ...and we've all felt_a_loveless_world rock us to sleep ( vi_finally_home ) ===== at the bottom of the middle class on another sunny Thursday rather be alive than dead but death is what we're giving to the man that's our paying dues, paying tribute sacrificing our lives for someone else's money (oh you poor fool, it's not the events it's the conditions it's the weather on a given day random chaos variables beyond our reach that's what makes up the winners and the losers in this game we've made mood set_like_a_dimmer_switch in silence from the_mind_inaccessible (without intervention) human have you learned to grow simply because you've learned to fool yourself? when does it stop? how does it stop?) the super scary musical labyrinth of my soul? you can get lost in that or get found god only knows what's worse xylophones and twenties men and women how can I love someone who loves the bad songs best of all? but every time I walked outside that day I_hoped_I_would_find_you and no past present or future could ever make that untrue 260902 ... warmthofrelease whereami? ===== it's just about "act complicated" ya know? it's like fighting with a mirror that refuses to become you but you love it I don't know, do you ever think there will be a cultural divide that evolves between the people connected to_the_wires_of_the_world and the people connected to the people how much longer can the netted web hold until it rips everything apart like a pillow used by sibling children in a tug of war how long who knows got garbage in my mind and nothing in my memory, or nothing on my mind and garbage in my memory but that which is lost cannot be destroyed or diminished it's one_of_those_things that can be taken as both_warning_and_advice kinda like this too shall pass how did heaven get to be so mean-crowded? so much power up here... I've come to enjoy the burial of the self letting an imagination like mine run loose it's nice to see and share sometimes but turning my mind loose onto someone is just plain mean and really satisfying, I'm afraid to say and think and be the deathless idiot hit me with a hammer and I went down down into helping some loser dream his way out of bed maybe make a song for someone's ex's fucked up child who just happens to be my age I could call it (Southshore) I live on a broke fuckin road and so do a lot of us ===== (except now the road so quiet but so scrunched in bunched together starting to feel a little boxed in like I painted myself in to a corner maybe again) if my neighbors hate me I don't hate them back but fuckem no hate but fuckem ===== its about achievement more than anything else but achievement is framed in the mind dependent not only upon the circumstances of where the object is relative to the angle and the focus but also the point of view achievement is something the mind defines for itself as it seeks it and before and after the mind's effort breaks itself into singular patterns something it can recognize and divide reliably: "days" forcing rest upon itself and by the time the mind has learned to count things become kind of... complicated 260917 ... warmthofrelease (at_least_I_can_always_look_back_on my good_intentions where aaaaaare yooooou at_least_I_can_always_fall_back_on the lack_of_promises_broken_or_made) ===== the_perception_of_the_self is confused by the self's perception inconvenient never try to give nothin to no taker why am I so relentless the valley or the color palette, of what do you understand do you think you can love me without doing anything to hell with you now that you can see you still choose to not understand but it's a good movie you should watch it (I know I'm mocking you) but I can't tell if this is an addiction it's definitely an infliction am I wasting my time in hedonism I need to think about my decisions I haven't been myself for a while, but I'll see you soon and you can do cartwheels for me there is no doubt my life was terrible but I was enjoying it so blessed are the blind burning_through_the_madness burning through the last of a lucky streak and hoping to die quickly so deeply in fear of pain the intellect gets lost within the understanding the understanding gets lost within the intellect you're left with everything, everything that's just out of reach you were right it is easy to ruin things I don't want to be wanted anywhere that I'm not needed and I want to be needed in the places I want to be my elegance is refraction and not yours it is not a reflection and neither is yours you almost made it to the next stage possibly the next piece of nothing but it depends on what you make of it you'd better enjoy it the world is getting harder_to_hold_onto as it grows forgive all the people who fall off as it turns were you so grateful to have me that you spoiled me rotten because rotten is all that I feel not that you're the only one to blame I don't think it would be so useless of me to go about finding the truth oh the heady things all so exciting but what I do ... is it like turning on is it like turning off is it harder to show your love when there are those around who are not in love you're expected to get over that love is and is worth more than that let us not fear the danger the same ones, the same same exact ones who'd go on to say I never thought it would happen to me when being still and quiet and crying is the best thing you can do for so long when you say it was worth it before it happens when you're not required to be bound to it you take it it sure does take a lot steps, days, recovery time, practice, memory takes so unbelievably much just to fit in again if you ever even did the same ones who say can't remember what life was without this my head is going to spin right off I'm afraid I'm just anxious I'm kind of excited kind of afraid I just wish my friends would call me already so I can tell them go away congratulations you're still here we still care about you you were never sure of your own genius but you always knew you were an asshole or is it the other way around does the imagination match the reality are we stepping into the light as if our lives depended on it when only mine is on the line can we finally turn "be" into a verb karma is such a douchebag how heavy hath the moon thought us to teach how scornful the lessons how pulling the tides can anyone catch a pebble could anyone find it groundhog_day sounds about right "I do not hate them all I just hate the specific ones that make me think and feel like they're all the same" would you fucking listen_to_yourself vigilance is multiplying and the vigilantes won't announce their arrival when they come to town (I wanna ---- the ----est ---- in -----) oh to be such a simple kind but with such a rare taste almost makes me feel compelled to create oh an exhausting wonderful drag you're gonna break my window one day I sure build up my fair share of anxieties about the seen and unforseen but it's my foresight that's always doing me in when the faith of my own burden meets the peace of my vengeance two blue moons two dramamine two cauldrons stacked with twigs and weeds and I have nowhere I can or need to go it's about as nice of a misperception as doing well in a game of chess no one ever killed more people than delusions of grandeur don't imagine yourself a conqueror just because you won a fight 260924 ... warmthofrelease (you'll_be_fine) ===== I'd love to be the mayor but I probably couldn't afford it middle fingers that stay up as I formally dismiss the bullshit as_far_as_my_mind's_concerned rapid acceleration memory loss what is it making us death is a rumor don't believe the hype drank enough bourbon to drown a corpse everyone is the ghost of something everyone is some dead person's dream what is said and what is meant are separate and separately important what's been learned by learning to learn what is known instead of learning from the unknown such is history I know what's selling because I know who's buying you don't need anything from me ===== (can_you_let_me_in) ===== never was in much of a hurry to do anything such is the_difference_between_history_and_myth don't be fooled by what inspires you everything has its own luck and mistakes I seriously don't feel like I've had the opportunity to express myself but I blame it on the fucking audience when I know if anyone's to blame it's me for being a performer it'd be nice if it was nobody's fault but of course that strategy does nothing to quell frustration but I allow chaos to determine my experience ...maybe that's not healthy but for_better_or_worse I'm along for the ride ===== ("if you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed am I right") ===== I've seen hell because I'm part of it so are you who can chase the bear away only me who can chase away the fear that remains in you when the bear is gone wish I knew generations of suffering births generations of love do you not think a consciousness of some entity exists that is capable of creating the universe? or of BEING the universe? or is that just a word for something that we so desperately need to define but could never wrap our little heads around no matter how big our egos get no matter how obsessive our need for control all_these_messes_of_voices_and_surrender make your goddamn point ===== (okay) ===== big baby stomping on ants and having fun the smaller the things are that I destroy the bigger it makes me feel so what happens when we're done? when we're bored and tired of stepping on things when we know if we've won or we've lost and we don't want to keep playing will we grow? this world will be so great by the time I figure it out another day another friendly lioness I will call her my sister in arms for today another day another undead soldier I must call him my brother in arms for today doctor together another cure staple together an understanding of the world as if through the eyes of a creator in consciousness to understand all things as they happen the scope of everything yes the god idea is a natural product of the human mind that we are all linked by that common human mistake the ego forever stapled to our minds but to somehow over and over again separately come to the same conclusion? the god idea will live and die by community like all ideas it does survive in our human condition of love it has been tested over generations it's been proven to work they know it they just know it I fear that all this_knowledge_isn't_making_us_stronger_anymore congratulations! you've proved just about everything except, you haven't told us how much you're enjoying it yet! we are as voluntary as we are temporary you still think your truth is part of evolution? I'm here to put myself at odds with you (I_know_they_miss_me) I can't just put this down and it won't put me down either can you feel this machine breathing these heartstrings, dangling and trembling in chaos having the time of their lives and so should you and I may the end of every day be held up to admire as another victory may it be celebrated in good heart and in good company leper_colonial_manifest_destiny (I don't eat fish and I'm not a cannibal and yes I do have this fear of snakes) I think it comes down to the difference between the birds who feel they must take flight compared to the ones who can stay home with its big strong clan and its strong age-bound family the answer ? none nomore I want this all to mean something something very special to you but I can't make you look for it if you don't even know it's there burn in the darkness of the spotlight go Thich Nhat Hanh's most quotable quotable you might have heard it before "my actions are my only true belongings" the only way forwards is backwards and forwards, and backwards, and forwards, and backwards all over again like that moment of profundity that suddenly hits you and you don't know what to do about it again excruciatingly okay you get ONE MORE CONCLUSION then I'm done okay? ===== death within life is what rock n roll was always reaching for goodbye ===== 261011 what's it to you? who go blather from