believe_in_life_without Soma love. joy. peace. I don't need any of those things. I'm a strong, capable human who can do without. I'm a devout ascetic, basically. 160723 ... Risen I'm believing in a life of withouts. I do not want to be with anyone, ever again. I remember past love, past lovers, fondly. I can look back on the good moments, the things I did right. I can forgive myself for the bad, and I have made peace with who I used to be. I have apologised to everyone I hurt. I have stopped wearing the hair shirt. I don't sit here, full of regret. But while I know I am now capable of treating someone right, of being the kind of girlfriend that my exes deserved me to be, of finally being able to behave in a normal, balanced, sane, kind and loving way..... I just can't ever see myself doing it. Not because I am still in love with anyone. I used to go from love to love, relationship to relationship, with far too much overlap between them. I was always in love with someone, if not necessarily whoever I was dating. I realise now that I was refusing to allow myself to ever be happy or content. To always be looking away, never staying in the moment. Chasing after what I could not have, instead of valuing what I had. Going for someone emotionally or physically or socially or otherwise unavailable, simply because that ensured that I could not be happy. I do not ever want to live like that again. I believe in life without a lover. I don't believe it would be possible for me to meet a woman I could love, simply because I do not think that any woman who was even vaguely sane or suitable for me would EVER give me a chance. No one sensible would. So I believe in life without love. Which, given that I used to think that life was all about love, really is a huge change. But I think it's the right one. It isn't worth it. In the long list of things I am cutting away in order to minimise the size of my life, this is an easy part. Simply because it won't hurt to lose something I don't have. 160724 what's it to you? who go blather from