memories_like_clouds_2 unhinged everything about her life had had a dream_like quality to it for so long that she often found it hard to distinguish whether she was waking or sleeping. but some pictures came back to her in vivid reality; that had really happened to her. the panic settled in marian's chest. isaac was very ill. tina was at home with david watching joseph, lizeta, and sarah. their neighbor, mrs, hernandez, was going to check in on them at lunch time to help tina feed the little ones. (it seemed as if death had settled in her brain; the memories and dreams that blurred together kept bringing her back to it) he looked too frail. she knew she should be strong because she was his mother, but the fear of losing him forever overwhelmed her. isaac, beautiful miracle baby, sixth of her children. the pervasive feeling of wonder that had entered her life the day her first child was born, only magnified by each subsequent child, passed over marian's heart. she could not imagine her world without her baby, isaac. panic. fear. ending. change. isaac moaned and tossed in his sleep. marian left the room. she was afraid her panic was disturbing him. she couldn't stand to be in the hospital without vlad. he stayed calm. in the face of everything that happened to them, their family, vlad stayed calm. but vlad had to go back to work, marian had to leave tina at home with little sarah, sitting in front of her sick sick baby all alone. she chewed on her lip, standing in the hallway staring at the floor. please mary, mother of god, hear my prayer. a tear dripped, splash on the linoleum floor. help my son isaac find his way safely home through this illness. marian's knees trembled. they instinctively couldn't hold her as she prayed. her heart wished to be nearer to the earth. please. please. please. bring him home to me. tina watched her mother's eyes under her lids in their strange rem motion. the machines didn't make any loud or strange beeps. everything was ok. she started absently at the tv while she held her mother's hand. 100908 ... cr0wl a nurse, carrying a clipboard, and talking on a cellphone, approached tina. she put the phone to her uniformed chest and tapped on tina's elbow as it jutted out towards her. "hey little lady," she said, her voice loud enough to skip over the noise of the tv. tina turned only her face and looked into the nurse's eyes. they were bloodshot from over exertion. one eyelid was twitching. tina lifted both eyebrows as if she was casting a net over a butterfly but didn't say anything. the nurse took it as interest. "you want to see someone?" the nurse pressed on. she had the kind of hair that seems to have been mangled from too much color. however, her teeth were white and straight. when she smiled one dimple appeared in the right cheek. "who?" tina asked. she took a step sideways and turned her feet out on the edges of her shoes, making a screaming, squeaking noise that startled her mother in the hospital bed. "it's a boy," the nurse said. she tilted her head to one side and put a stray finger in the corner of her mouth with a slight popping noise. tina conjured up images of boys she knew. who would come to see me at the hospital? she thought. she looked down at her chucks and smirked. there was one she hoped it would be. dennis. "what's he look like?" tina blurted out as if she was not fast enough to stop the words which leaped off her tongue like a rabbit into the undercover brush. "oh, he's your age. he has long hair. blue eyes," the nurse said looking up at the ceiling fan. "and looks like he just came back from somewhere amazing." that's dennis, tina thought. 100909 ... unhinged dennis had a bouquet of purple iris in his hands. he held them out to tina 'for your mom. you told me once that she liked them.' tina grabbed the flowers and buried her face in them then looked up at dennis through the delicate petals. 'do you remember everything i tell you?' 'mostly.' dennis flashed her his adorable lopsided grin. 'how is your mom?' tina dropped the flowers next to her and sighed. 'she is sleeping. or unconscious. sleeping. her eyes were moving back and forth like she was dreaming. she can't talk when she is awake.' tina bit her lip to stop the tears. dennis reached out and held onto tina's elbow. 'what is wrong?' 'her colon or her liver. maybe a kidney, one of those important organs they can't just take out when it stops working right,' tina shrugged off dennis' hand to run her fingers through her hair and rub at her eyes. 'i don't remember. joe knows all the details. i don't want to think about it. how was your trip?' his eyes twinkled 'it was great but i almost feel bad talking about it.' 'no. please. tell me. i have been in this hospital everyday since you left. i want to hear all about it. i need a vicarious vacation.' tina smiled at her alliteration. the same nurse walked by 'need a vase for those flowers?' she winked at tina. 'yes please.' tina cut and arranged the flowers and placed them by her mother. the purple offset the platinum of her mother's hair beautifully. she sat in what she had come to think of as her chair but pulled it back near the other one. 'sit,' she patted the seat 'tell me about it.' 100918 ... cr0wl dennis sat next to tina and twisted in the seat so he faced her, their knees barely touching. he cleared his throat and he felt a bit nervous and had a hard time looking in her eyes as he spoke, mostly looking down as if his memories were kept somewhere he had to search for. but really, it was that he was falling for her. "i was supposed to go with my uncle paul, meet up with him at la guardia but he never showed," dennis said, sliding his leather soles across the vinyl tile of the hospital's waiting room floor. "so i flew to amsterdam myself." tina's eyes brightened and for a moment she didn't even think about her mom. she felt like dennis was digging at the soil of her soul, planting seeds and watering her with his words. "what happened to your uncle?" tina asked. she reached for a strand of her wavy, brown hair and ran her hand through it like the mane of a horse. "that's just the thing," dennis chuckled. he looked at tina and made her smile with his sudden laughter. he was waiting for me when i got there." "that's just how he does things?" tina asked, and she began laughing and felt herself relaxing like a flower in the evening, closing its petals. "yeah. the dude is out there for sure," dennis added, shaking his head. "anyway, he had this crazy little car that we sped along these narrow little roads and finally ended up at his third floor apartment. it was nice though. tons of books everywhere and plants. great sound system. crazy art." "nice," tina said. she inched closer to him on the bench. "it's good to be home. i missed you," dennis said, and like he was trying something he wasn't sure would work, he placed his right hand on her neck and squeezed just enough for her to feel his innocent affection. she felt it. and then, unable to stop its image from flickering in her eyes like a bird flapping into the windshield of a car, she saw her mother, gasping for breath. 100922 ... unhinged joseph was sitting behind his desk at work. his reading glasses slid down his nose to just the right spot so he could use the glasses to read the papers on the desk but peer up over the top out the door. he felt a slight disruption of the air on his skin and looked up. his secretary was standing at the door. 'sir,' her legs flitted in nervous anticipation 'you have a phone call.' joseph took off his glasses and rubbed his face. 'i thought i told you to hold all my phone calls this morning.' she started to bite her lip 'it's your sister. at the hospital.' he stood up so quickly that he startled her, grabbed his suit coat from the coat rack near his desk and flew out the door. joseph climbed in the back of lincoln town car. 'to st. elizabeth's hospital chuck.' chuck looked at him in the rearview mirror. 'now.' chuck raised his eyebrow at the edge in joseph's voice and stepped on the gas. joseph touched the screen of his cellphone. 'tina' the voice recognition dial system on his phone dialed tina's number. the space between every ring of the phone seemed like an eternity. he was beginning to think tina wouldn't answer and his heart started racing. 'hello joe.' her voice sounded like she had been crying. 'what's wrong?' 'i don't know. i was sitting next to her and she started gasping and they just took her away. i don't know.' 'i'll be right there tina.' 101004 ... cr0wl tina put her phone away and relaxed into dennis's comforting hold. he was worried about the anxiety which her mother's troubled breathing had produced in her. a numbness surrounded her that made it next to impossible to disentangle and separate all of the feelings that swirled within her like tea leaves. if they settled, she thought, what kind of images would they form on the side of my cup? a heart? surely. what would represent mom? a flower? she leaned forward and turned to face dennis. they were alone in an i.c.u waiting room that smelled like stale potato chips "if you were a tea leaf, what would you look like?" tina asked. she watched his eyes open like clouds moving away from the sun. dennis smiled. this is what he loved about her. she was off the wall, but always thinking of others. he was always ready to play her games. "the smile of a dog," dennis said, reaching for a stray hair that had stuck to tina's lip. tina giggled, turned back around and flopped back into his arms. "don't you think that's what religion is like?" she asked. "it is. absolutely," dennis said, his mouth against her warm head. "endless love." 101005 ... . memories_like_clouds_3 101006 what's it to you? who go blather from