square_the_circle_chapter_15_ crOwl scott opened the steel fridge. the cool air felt refreshing. it was basically empty except for a container of plain yogurt half full, seven eggs, a one pound wedge of reggiano, some condiments, and a six pack of corona. in the freezer was a blast of even colder air, a loaf of sourdough bread and a quart of chunky monkey. scott grabbed the ice cream and set it with a heavy bang on the counter to thaw. he hated it rock hard. he grabbed the bread, removed two slices and pushed them in the toaster. he liked to watch the coils turn bright red. he cut six small pieces of cheese with some fancy swiss kitchen knife and removed a jar of mayo from the aluminum slot. just as the toast popped up, the fone rang. thinking kayla or clara would answer it, scott retrieved the toast and slathered them with a gooey mass of the healthy canola oil spread. the fone rang two more times. finally he picked it up. "hello?" "is a member of the readle family available?" "um, no," scott said. he felt his heartbeat catch in his throat. "but he's with me, i mean, um, i'm his friend. we're traveling together. he was beat up real bad and was brought to the hospital. they wouldn't let me see him. they said he was in surgery. is this the hospital?" "my name is jim barecki. i'm tim's doctor." "oh... hey, um, how is he?" "tim developed an acute subdural hematoma from having his head bashed against the bathroom floor, but it wasn't picked up right away on the first series of x-rays." "why? what about a scan or something?" scott asked. he felt light headed and anxious. he didn't like the doctor's serious tone. he absent-mindedly pushed his bread slices around on the counter. "there were no symptoms at first," dr. barecki said. "but then it became a classic case. he was developing all the typical signs. but, by the time we ran the scan and read it the pressure within tim's brain had built up requiring emergency surgery." "what did you have to do?" scott said, his voice cracking. "we had to do a craniotomy?" "what's that?" "we drilled a small hole in tim's skull to relieve the pressure and allow the hematoma to drain." "did it work? is he ok?" scott exhaled. he sensed a gliimer of hope. "the procedure did not work as well as we planned so we had to make a larger opening because we spotted a large clot." "did that work better? when can i see him?" "the clot was large," dr. barecki said, as if the word, "large' was the thing that enters our lives which we have no control over and changes the world as we know it. he paused what seemed to scott an eternity. scott could hear his neck pulse surging. he was begging for tim's life. "too large." dr. barecki said, sighing. "what do you mean?" scott asked. he swallowed hard. he couldn't breathe. " it was fatal. " scott dropped the fone as if a jolt of electricity zapped his hand. it hit the spanish tile floor with an empty, dull thud. his vision nearly went blank. he stumbled and grabbed for the ice cream and threw the solid carton with all his might. it hit the plate glass window above the sink, smashed a hole through it and ended up at the bottom of the swimming pool. "sir?" scott heard the voice like a faraway whisper. as if someone somewhere was trying to wake him from a nightmare. "sir?! are you there?" 050414 ... unhinged 'i would hope i don't smell like scott.' clara couldn't stop giggling. 'i wanted to thank you for saving my life kayla. and i can't stop thinking about that rest stop...' clara clumsily pawed at kayla's breasts. kayla guided clara's hands down to her hips. 'i was trashed at that rest stop clara. and you are trashed now.' clara started to scowl like a petulant child and suddenly backed away from kayla and then pounced on her, straddling her so that kayla fell onto her back. kayla sighed and rolled her eyes. but suddenly in an x induced cuddle fit, clara collapsed onto kayla's chest and snuggled into her neck. kayla gently rolled clara off of her. 'you don't have to thank me with sex clara. how bout we just cuddle okay?' 'but why don't you want me?' 'hey hey, it's not that. it's that i can't have you cause i kinda belong to someone else right now.' 'scott?' 'yeah, scott.' suddenly, they heard glass breaking. what they didn't know was that scott had just thrown his pint of ice cream through the window. they both tensed up. kayla immediately jumped out of the bed. 'you stay here clara. if you hear me scream, call 911.' she threw clara the phone where she was kneeling up reaching out like a baby does for her mother. 'just stay here. hopefully, i'll be right back.' slowly but surely, tim realized that something was horribly wrong with him. something in his head felt completely out of whack like if he had enough energy to shake his head he would hear the sound of broken glass rattling around inside. scott and kayla had left before he could talk again. he made sure to tell the nurse that they were allowed to see him whenever they wanted to. he liked waking up to see kayla there. but for some reason, she always had that frightened look on her face when she looked at him, not the smile that flashed like a lighthouse beacon when she saw scott. his head began to pound with the effort of thinking. this just wasn't right. something important was loose in his head and he could feel it. he kept telling the nurse something in his head was loose and she just vacantly nodded, thinking it was the morphine talking, not realizing that his morphine drip had been empty for hours and his body ate up opiates almost faster than humanly possible. a few minutes later, large black spots formed in his vision. he began to panic and his heart monitor started to beep in response. the nurse ran back in the room. 'mr. readle...' 'i can't see. it's just black. i can't see. something is wrong. i told you something is loose in my head.' it was like someone cut a cord, and suddenly all tim could think of was kayla. kayla holding his hand, kayla trying to brave a smile and talk to him like he didn't look like a grotesque characiture of himself, the tear that fell down her cheek when she turned away and thought he wasn't looking. 'please tell her that it wasn't her fault.' he felt the bed moving underneath him. 'we are talking you to emergency surgery mr. readle.' 'i don't think the doc can retighten the screw that's loose in there.' 'well he can try.' 'i don't think he should bother.' 'don't say that mr. readle. here you are at the operating room.' tim felt the nurse hold a mask to his face. 'breathe deeply mr. readle...' 050531 ... crOwl kayla raced down the polished oak stairs, her bare feet thudding. she saw the light on in the kitchen. her heart was pounding. invisible hands were squeezing her throat. when she was laying in bed with clara and heard the sudden crash of breaking glass, all of her fears of eric came hurtling back upon her. where's that gun, she thought, moving towards the light. she caught a glimpse of scott. he was sitting at the table, face in hands, shoulders slumped forward, one foot behind the other. kayla felt her fear shift grindingly down to nervous concern. "scott? what's the matter?" she said. her words escaped in a short burst. he didn't move or even acknowledge her presence. she approached closer. "scott? come on. you're scaring me." she saw the shards of broken glass catching the overhead light. she followed them with her eyes upwards to the jagged hole in the window above the sink. her eyes narrowed, her mind clicked. she remembered the ringing of the fone. "who called?" she asked, reaching out and touching his shoulder. scott rubbbed his face with his hands and sighed, slowly sliding his fingers down to his mouth. he looked at kayla for a long moment before speaking. his eyes were bloodshot. "tim's dead." kayla heard the words, yet it was though they were a foreign language. the shock of their impact was too much for her to comprehend. "what?" she asked, desperately hoping she had heard him wrong. she studied the red veins in his eyes like lines on a map. she knew where they led. she didn't want to go there. "tim died in surgery." scott said. the corners of his mouth dropped downwards and trembled. "holy fuck," kayla said. her whole body seemed to be floating away from her. instinctively her arms lifted and she pressed her hands into the sides of her head as if she could keep her soul from escaping, as if she needed to help her mind accept the tragic news. "no!" she muttered. "he was just beat up. he was going to be fine." she couldn't breathe. her eyes grew hot. the tick of the kitchen clock's second hand echoed. scott stood and guided kayla into his arms. she released her grief in an explosive sob. scott absorbed it like a sea wall accepts the crash of a wave. "what are we going to do now?" scott said into her hair. 050606 ... unhinged clara stood at the bus station waving goodbye to kayla and scott trying not to cry. she tried everything she could to convince them not to leave, but kayla was adamant. 'i'm sorry clara. i know you came all this way. but i can't stay here. i just can't. do you still have my phone number? you can call me whenever you want.' 'but i don't want to call you...' 'then don't. but i'm still leaving.' 'oh come on kayla. i didn't mean it like that.' kayla's eyes softened. 'i know, but i can't stay here babe. i'm sorry.' kayla packed tim's belongings and they took them to the police station. then clara and her friend kate dropped kayla and scott off at the greyhound station so they could continue their journey west. they sat down together in the back of the bus. after they stowed their bags around them and sat down kayla saw clara standing waving and she grabbed for scott's hand. 'it's better this way. really.' she sounded like she was trying to convince herself. some people believe that when you die the doors of your potential rebirths unfold before you like an infinite hallway. the more you know about yourself and the better you have been through the course of your life, the shorter your trip down the hallway of rebirth. as tim fell under the anesthesia, he could feel himself disconnecting from his body. the path unfolded before him; he could struggle to hold on to the shitty life that he was attached to, back down the dark hole, or let go of that life and find a new one down the shining hallway before him. he felt lighter at the thought of a new life. he let go. he moved forward and away from all the darkness of the past. 050606 ... crOwl scott pushed his head against the back of his bus seat, the growl of the greyhound's diesel engine becoming a noise he realized he would have to get used to again. he looked over at kayla. it didn't seem to bother her. she appeared to be asleep already. he studied her long fingers emerging from her slackened wrist, turned palm up on the thigh of her jeans. he saw the turquoise and silver ring she recently bought from a native american artist outside the bus station in reno, the nails she bit to the quick. his eyes traveled past the scars, along the fine hairs, the crease of her elbow where her t-shirt began, to the swell of her breasts and her brown hair gathered around them. she turned towards him then, not opening her eyes. he heard the ease of her contentment in her simple exhalation and as she laid her head on his shoulder he felt a sense of achievement in their arduous relationship. they had a history now, perhaps a difficult one full of danger, challenge, and even death, but it was their story and a new chapter was about to begin. scott sighed. he fought to keep out the memory of tim's death, the screams that filled his ear when he had called philly to break the news to his family, the condescending glares of the police officers as he explained their brief involvement with tim at the reno station, the sinking realization that there was nothing they could do to bring him back. his eyes were heavy and in moments he was asleep. kayla's dreams became his. and if someone were to walk down the aisle of the bus and see them, their heads at the perfect angle, kayla's fit inside of scott's chin and neck, her cheek rising with the gentle rhythm of his breathing, they would think of love. 050607 ... unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_16_ 050607 ... a must read red blathe . 050808 what's it to you? who go blather from