square_the_circle_chapter_16_ unhinged kayla closed her eyes and concentrated on breathing regularly, relaxing so that scott would think she had fallen asleep. the shock of what had happened since she left youngstown was still too much to process. slowly, little pieces drifted through and clicked into place. but certain pieces stood in bright relief on the back of her eyelids. she needed to be alone more than ever to allow things time to settle into their new configuration. she thought of a party she attended in a little town northwest of youngstown. a friend of hers from school lived out there with her mom and stepdad and had invited a bunch of friends over cause they were out of town. two guys showed up together that somehow knew sammy and one of them was shamelessly flirting with her all night long. she gave him a pill, packed a pipe. and one thing he said to her that night echoed in her head as she tried to pretend to sleep 'you can leave youngstown but youngstown never leaves you.' kayla hoped he was wrong, but even in the couple of weeks she'd been gone she knew he was right. she could feel the steady rhythm of scott's breathing and knew without looking that he had finally fallen asleep. scott had tried to tell her one night all about him, how he was more like tim and sammy than she knew, but she just couldn't listen. she couldn't believe that he was as selfish as sammy or as tweaked as tim. and other than some of the first conversations she had with him on the first greyhound, kayla didn't tell him anymore about her fucked up life. she tried to keep reminding herself that everyone has their own shit, but it got harder and harder to see everyday how anyone could have it any worse than she did. as she laid there on scott, it smacked her upside the head that she was getting crazy again. it was a familiar pattern at this point; so familiar that now she could pinpoint it almost to the exact date when she started to fall down the hole again. when she packed tim's belongings in clara's room, she could feel the hole closing in around her. what was she going to do? where was she going? how was she getting there? 050607 ... crOwl when scott woke and found kayla nestled and snug under his chin, he was siezed by a sudden wave of panic unlike anything he had ever felt. maybe it was the unexpected loss of tim, the crumbling away of a fragile life that had started to form with him and kayla. he didn't want to lose kayla as well, she was all he had now as their new existence was wrapped inside the greyhound lumbering towards california. he knew they were teetering on the tightrope that they had strung across their delicate world. one side hope, the other despair. at times he felt like he was carrying her across. other times she was leading, holding his hand, moving them forwards. we can't look down, he thought, got to keep going, straight, slow, steady, one step at a time, one moment, then the next. day by day. how far was it to the other side? what was there waiting for them? he sat there and watched her eyelashes, the blink of her eyes and he wondered what she was thinking. was she watching her life like a film and if so what scenes was she replaying? when would he be in her dreams? scott closed his eyes and tried to focus on all he left behind in new york, but there was nothing but fog. he kept seeing kayla, tim, and clara. somehow that made him glad. he wanted to leave his broken life behind. paige would always be a memory but the pain associated with the failures he induced lessened with each fragment of experience. he watched kayla stretch. she was what he knew. their life was clay. he wanted california to be the fingers that would shape them into something new and strong. solid. 050608 ... crOwl "i have an idea," scott said, turning to kayla who was absent-mindedly watching a pick-up truck kick up dust as it rambled down a dry dirt road along the last highway into barstow. los angeles was only 9o minutes away. "what?" kayla asked, mildly interested. she was tired from mourning tim. "i still have some fun money extra from what we need to rent an apartment," scott continued. "oh yeah," kayla said, turning to stare him in the face. she lifted an impish eyebrow. "how about if we get a couple nights at a very cool hotel and just go shopping and eating out all day?" "are you serious?!" kayla squealed. "yeah, i want to really do it. we deserve it." "how are we going to get around?" "taxi." "ok." 050612 ... a must read red blathe the end? 050808 ... unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_17_ 060113 what's it to you? who go blather from