something_that_changed_the_way_i_live_my_life ecila an older firned of mine once told me that when you are old you dont have much energy left so you sit around and relive your life in your head. he considered all life up unto that point as collecting memories and experences so that you can watch them all in your head when you are old. he didnt want to get to that age and have nothing exciting to remember, so he fills his life with meaningful and joyful experences that he will be happy to reflect on when he grows old. i thought that beautiful. 020608 ... jinx Amy Monson 020609 ... silentbob perks of being a wallflower 020610 ... Sonya Hearing the "Meooooow!" of a hyperactive cabbit. 020610 ... 0off46 friends who will come over at 3 am too bad they always eat my frozen pizzas 020725 ... 0of46 dammit, spelled my name wrong foolish me 020725 ... Scarlet Photos Paul Klee - "The Twittering Machine" "Death and Fire" "Captive" Finding my mum's old guitar in the basement. 020826 ... kerry war_boy last summer watching everyone else live their lives the way they do 020827 ... curious toys someone confessed to me that i saved his life at a time when he was heavily contemplating suicide. i didn't know this at that time. i was overwhelmed when he told me. i didn't know how to feel...honored? important? significant? ...or maybe unworthy? selfish? ashamed? ...for the many times i myself wished i was dead. how could i have deemed my life so useless and worthless enough to want to die, while someone out there was so thankful that i saved his? things are still hard for me. occasionally i still "want to die" but this really hit me hard. it keeps me hanging on, knowing that if i let go, it will be a betrayal to myself and those who fight so hard to keep going. yeah, i know sometimes the whole teen depression/suicide thing tends to get trite, or maybe even "trendy." i agree. i'm sick of it. i hope it's just a phase that i'll get over soon. but sometimes, it feels like it's more than that. 020827 ... kerry i agree with you, curious toys. my friend johanna is going through that. well, sort of... she's so priveleged, she's almost spoiled and she has so much but she says she is unhappy with her life. i have never felt suicidal myself... i think i'm too much of a chicken to ever act on my depressed feelings. i get depressed a lot, though... a whole lot. but now i'm starting to think that maybe it's not a teen angst thing, and i know i'm not clinically depressed. i think it's just part of who i am. 020828 ... josie You know, maybe you’re not here with me.. that’s the pessimists view though isn’t it? I willed you back into the arms of your soul mate in the belief that there is an afterlife of sorts. There must be something more for me to believe in other than the futility of our souls in this universe, in this existence, something beyond the harsh reality we seemingly so thoroughly accept at times. So the optimists view; I’m happier in the knowledge that you’re here somewhere.. I have no proof, some lame television program to prove what? That some guy can call spirits! Pft! I don’t think that justifies anything. I’m contented more today than any other with this feeling that you’re by my side. Although I’m making stupid decisions, making you cringe.. making you laugh at me. I’ve been a bit of a joke of late I must admit.. but hey. I’m living my life. I’m living everyday like it’s my last. I talk to everyone I can, I smoke when I feel like it, I hug who I want so they know I’m there… I dance like no one’s watching and I laugh like everything’s funny cause it all is. I can’t take this world too seriously can I? Surely there’s no reason to be so unhappy.. everyone else’s problems are bigger than my own. I’m am so small and I can only bring minute joy to those around me in certain ways.. sometimes the only way I can express that is through my dance and my music. I thank god he’s given me the gift of my artistic expression..as much as I’m my biggest critic, I try. And I’ll keep trying, no matter how hard I’m struggling without a backbone, without my tonsils, without money, without unrequited love.. I’m feeling this subtle joy, or rather contentment that you’re here. I’m afraid of the dark, I’m afraid of the unknown.. I’m happy to know that sometimes you’re looking down on me. I’m hope I make you proud. Sheer determination.. all I will ever live to do is make you proud of me. I miss you too much sometimes.. It’s been too long without you, I wish I had your wise words guiding me this whole time.. but you’ve shown me this way haven’t you? Everything happens for a reason. I’ve been put through this tumultuous time to learn to cope. You were a leader, wise and kind, I wish I could see you, hear your voice. I hope I fall asleep and dream of you tonight, all I long for is to know I make you proud, and to know that you love me as much as I wish you did if you’d never gone. Your absence has finally changed_the_way_I_live_my_life. 021012 ... jane waking_life 021012 ... Lime Rider cliche... This moment I knew love for the first time. Bliss for some time... and then you were a thousand miles away (literary). Never a closing. See eachother in vacations. Move in a while. Whaaaah depression. bliss dumb ass. Wohoo! Live life dont think fun as non boring as it gets. Insane. Maybe next time. 021015 ... bellyfire Terri W. Without you I wouldn't know real hate. And it's not such a bad thing afterall. 021015 ... guitar_freak outward_bound 031206 ... bijou cerebral collage jane green lots of idiots "and I won't make the same mistakes, because I know how much time that wastes and function is the key out of the waiting room." "what would you do if you knew you would not fail?" 031206 ... lotuseater being dirt-poor rejecting spirituality desensitizing(spelling?) myself introduction of new and amazing chemicals contemplating spirituality finding happiness losing happiness hating happiness hating hate love... mostly love. 031206 ... QT Methinks maybe Mr. Rogers, 'cept he wasn't just a somethin'. 031213 ... unhinged a_list_of_you 031214 ... gja Something that changed the way I live my life was the realisation that chemically induced *mood* were getting me know where. An altogether profound "something" when you are in its grip. 070810 ... pro g what are you pretending to be all the love songs or something ! 070810 ... 0of46 A little over a year of excessive drinking and denial. I had some of the most fun I've ever had, but I accomplished nothing. Realizing the finality and fatality inherent in the relationships that had meant so much to me and how those relationships tied me to parts of myself that I'd outgrown. It's funny,but without all that alcohol, I would never have made some of the progress I made in my personal life. Not that I didn't make a fool of myself, waste money, and burn some bridges. And it wasn't the only way that I could have made those changes, but it's the period of my life with the least regrets. 080310 ... unhinged and after this popped up on the recent list and i was trying to fall asleep on his couch last night i thought of a_list_of_you and how it's changed me five years later. the conclusions were not comforting. i did not sleep well last night at all. (maybe it was because of the couch?) but i still fondly smile to recall it and i'm still trying to get back to it the love we had together even after the distance and the horrible coked_out ending because i was so young naieve idealistic unafraid when you met me (god was that almost ten years ago already?) and you treasured that is the guy that walked across towns to see me a once_in_a_lifetime or a one_of_many ? all i know is i haven't dated someone i care about since then 080311 ... raze the knowledge that it's going to end. 220122 ... unhinged embodiment shambhala_training (the fact that my current perspective is self, not other, directed is not lost on me) 220122 what's it to you? who go blather from