redtree_innerview_raze redtree do you think there is eternal life? 051101 ... raze that's a hell of a question to tackle. the short answer is yes. the long answer is long. so here's an attempt to condense it. i don't believe that after the body dies there is nothing else. at the same time, although i was raised roman catholic (and accordingly haven't seen the inside of a church in almost half of my life now), i don't buy the streamlined ideas of "heaven" and "hell". i think dreams may hint at the idea that there is more than the life we currently know. i've interacted with people while dreaming that i have no frame of reference for in my waking life; i've never met them, nor have i ever gazed upon their likeness in any form. yet i often know them, and sometimes there's a connection between us that almost seems to approach something oddly spiritual. i don't think i'm a particularly spiritual person, so interpret that statement as you will. while it's probable that i just have an extremely active and resourceful imagination that likes to keep my brain interested while i'm sleeping, i can't shake the feeling that there's more to it than that. some of these dream-based experiences and interactions almost seem to insinuate that there's something, or some place, just beyond my reach. i'm granted the occasional glimpse at whatever it may be, but i'm never shown enough to make any sense of it. sometimes it's beautiful. sometimes it's disturbing. sometimes it's just incredibly fucked up. then again, maybe i just have strange dreams. in any case, i do believe that there is life after death in some form, though i can't convince myself that it has much of anything to do with the "afterlife" i was taught about. i think it may be a different experience for every person and animal. everything that lives dies, and then lives again. and if i'm wrong, at least i'll die knowing that i've lived my life on my own terms, and that i never compromised my art or my beliefs in exchange for being considered more socially acceptable. see, this is the kind of the thing i could go on about indefinitely, but i would eventually start losing clarity and just devolve into long-winded wordfuckery. i should've stuck with the short answer. 051101 ... raze the kind of the thing the name of the king the smell of the ring the end of everything the beginning of something the middle of nothing missing letters, inserting unwanted words...lately i think these red waters are trying to splash me in the eye. 051101 ... redtree i loved what you said about dreams..."some of these dream-based experiences and interactions almost seem to insinuate that there's something or someplace just beyond my reach..." i totally agree with that. actually your well-crafted answer could come forth out of my own mouth rather easily. all of the rillian-based stories deal with this "something or someplace." when i dream of a group of children, none of them that i can say i have seen before, i have to wonder who they are. who are their parents? where are they from? why am i seeing them? will i see them when i die? am i going to where they are? right on raze. you also said, "i think it may be a different experience for every person and animal." please expound. 051102 ... raze to the extent that we may have some amount of control over what the "afterlife" is (and i think i'll just start calling it the "afterthis", since that feels less stilted), we all have different ideas about what constitutes beauty, happiness and other such things. to a cat, the most beautiful image may be that of a setting sun bleeding into the darkening sky as seen through an upstairs window. maybe that's something he or she would like to spend a less finite period of time observing and contemplating. in my case, i'm not sure i could settle on just one static image. it's something i'd have to think about for a long time. maybe luis bunuel's words apply here; he once said that if he were told he had twenty years to live and was then asked how he wanted to live them, his reply would be: "give me two hours a day of activity, and i'll take the other twenty two in dreams—provided i can remember them." i'd like to be able to explore some of the people and places i've come across in dreams in more depth, without the confusion or lack of focus that sleep sometimes imposes. i'd like to be able to ask someone why it is that i always wake up immediately after i realize i'm dreaming, and why it didn't happen this time. to which i'm sure they would reply, quite simply: "you're not asleep anymore." there are certain people some of us would like to see, or at least we'd like to know where they are and how they're doing, and others that we would have no desire to ever run into. certain music we'd like to hear. certain places we'd like to visit. for all i know, it's possible that the afterthis isn't even another place, but a state of visiting this one in a different form with a new sense of freedom and insight. regardless of what or where it is, i think the fact that we all have different minds, bodies, thoughts and feelings would effectively render it a completely unique experience for everyone. my dreams are not like yours, though we may go through some of the same emotions upon waking. my interpretation of love is not the same as yours, though to each of us it may feel at times like it must be the same for everyone. nothing is universal, in that nothing can be exactly the same for any two living things. to that end, it occurred to me not long ago that it might be an interesting experiment to ask certain people i know how they would describe kissing someone, however they may wish to express whatever the experience is like for them. though i haven't followed through on the idea, i get the feeling that no two people would give the same answer. to be sure, everyone's lips are different. there are different levels of kissing, different meanings behind it, different amounts of feeling invested depending on who is involved. but putting those things aside, i don't think it can ever be the exact same experience for any two people. and even if i compiled these different kissing explanations, they wouldn't give me a better understanding of what kissing is; they would only underline the fact that every set of lips, every brain and every hollow muscular organ interprets the process differently. 051102 ... redtree thanks for your insight and clarity. you remind me of some of my friends. where are you from? my wife and i do a lot of traveling from january to march. perhaps we could hook up some day and hang out. anais nin said, "we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." please comment. 051103 ... raze i am from/in the armpit of ontario (hence the occasional "u" in words like "flavour" and "colour"). some people complain that there's nothing to do here, but i kind of enjoy the fact that my city doesn't seem to know what it wants to be. the main thing is that i'm able to disappear inside of it quite easily, though that might say more for my antisocial prowess than it does for the city's shadow-casting abilities. i can get more specific in an email if you'd like. as for that quote...i think it's very difficult, if not impossible, to be completely objective in any situation. i've become better at it, but there are still some difficulties. for example, when i create something, i can never approach it the way that i could if it were someone else's work; i can't experience it for the first time without knowing what to expect. i can't judge it based on its own merits. i always see it as something that i did, and i can't step outside of myself enough to experience it as someone else might. so i don't see it as it is; i see it as what i think it is, and that may be coloured by whatever i was feeling at the time, and how relevant those feelings are now. we do see some things as they really are...it's just that the truth sometimes takes a while to reveal itself to us. i'd say something about childhood, and how we simultaneously see things more honestly and more malleably while in its grasp, but waking up every morning to what sounds like someone taking a chainsaw to my head is taking its toll. long live steel wool. 051107 ... redtree jenny holzer's most recent art work was on display at the new york city public library and features a few of her unique, thought provoking statements beamed upon the entire surface area of the outdoor entrance so that it is visually arresting and impossible to avoid. one of them reads: YOU MUST RISK DELIGHT how do you interpret that? 051114 ... raze i'm not really sure how to interpret that. maybe it ties into "risking everything to express it all". i can't follow the thought wherever it's supposed to go, though. it stops short in my brain and won't move much. whatever its intended meaning, i was listening to autechre a few nights ago, forming strange images in my mind, and it occurred to me that the track "vietrmx21" seems to capture the feeling of that statement somehow. or maybe i was just tired. 051120 ... redTree what are you living for? what would you die for? what would you kill for? 080505 ... redTree what are the top five events of your life this year? 081209 ... raze i'm still not sure how to answer that last trifecta up there, but as for this year's top 5, let's see if i can come up with something, even though list-writing is not something i'm very adept at. in no particular order... (1) buying a real piano, for the first time in my life. a revelation, really. there are some pretty good digital emulations out there, a few of which i've used happily for a number of years, but i had no idea what i was missing without the real thing. there's a weight and a depth to a real piano that no digital attempt can ever touch. speaking of which, i need to give the beast a good rub-down/dusting... (2) turning the room i thought i was going to be killed in into a little sitting room. i've never really played interior decorator before, but it's fun. so far i've got a chair in there that makes me never want to stand up once i've sat down in it, a stylish floor lamp, a shelf stacked with old vinyl albums and some miscellanea. now i just need to find the right couch, install some blinds and get a stereo system in there. it's funny that the worst experience of my life has spawned something positive from it's repulsive loins, and what was once the ugliest room in the house will now be the nicest and most comfortable by far. (3) the enigmatic roberta shroud coming back into my life at seemingly just the right moment. we are possibly almost the only two people in this city who completely understand one another. almost. (4) that bacon & avocado sandwich i ate at a little place in guelph called "with the grain". kind of odd that such a thing would be one of the highlights of your year, but i've never had a sandwich like that in my life. just thinking about it makes my stomach happy. i need to get back out there before the year's end. (5) this whole little community here [even though i haven't been saying much of anything around these parts for a while], and the fact that we've been sharing art & words & things with one another. it reminds me why i do what i do, whatever that is. dooby-dooby-doo? 081209 ... redTree what defines roberta as an enigma? 081210 ... raze i'm not sure exactly...she's like a butterfly on bad speed; beautiful, but difficult to catch. 081210 ... redTree what's some of the miscellanea upon the shelves? 081211 ... unhinged (i'm glad you are transforming that room into something positive. i haven't quite been able to do the same with my trauma '08.) 081211 ... raze i should have been less vague in my wording; the miscellanea is not on the shelves, but rather strewn throughout the room itself. up until a few days ago there were some pictures leaning against the wall, until i decided i preferred the walls unadorned and wouldn't be hanging anything in this particular room. i think i'll just eventually fill the entire shelf with vinyl albums, because i seem to buy a thick stack of them every few weeks when i pop in at our city's only independent (and worthwhile) record store. but back to the miscellaneous things. there's some sort of metal sculpture of a cat standing on the floor with its back facing one of the walls...i'm not sure how to describe it, but it seems to fit the room. there's a small marble table/book rack that i don't want to put any books in because i like the way it looks barren. there are two of these japanese obi chairs---at least i think that's what they're called, but i've never been able to find any information about them. all i know is they've been in the family for about seventy years, originating with my grandmother on my father's side, and they sit about a foot off the floor, if that. good chairs for tying your shoes in. funny thing about this room...i had a vague image of what i wanted it to be, and that ended up being discarded when i couldn't find a couch that was both comfortable and shallow enough to fit through the narrow doorway. i ended up acquiring things somewhat randomly..."i like that. i'll take it. i like that too, even though i wasn't looking for anything like it. might was well grab it." and in the end, it's as if all of these things were meant to be together, because somehow it all works aesthetically. it's like each object and piece of furniture sent a coded message to the other so they would all find themselves together in the end. i need to put up some blinds on the window, wash the filthy frame, and today i think the room might be finished. how ironic that this of all rooms will now be the most comfortable place in the house...the place where you experienced life-threatening trauma becomes the place you go to decompress & get away from everything. maybe it's a metaphor for some sort of unconscious rebirth or something. or maybe it's just a fluke. 081212 ... jane miscellanea karass 081212 ... redTree do you keep in the old typewriter in the rebirth room? how about the plethora of polaroids from your grandfather? if it was me, i'd be enlarging some of those and hanging them on the walls... 081213 what's it to you? who go blather from