i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_06 unhinged lilly started awake to see gavin's face gaping at the nightmare on her canvas. 'damn. do you ever knock?' she accidentally kicked coltrane in her hurry to hide the painting from gavin. 'lil...'gavin was still gaping at her. she moved in a whirlwind around the room, her stray hairs making a halo in her slept-in ponytail, her hands hiding things she didn't want him to see. he finally snapped out of it. 'why do you always do that? hide things everytime i come in here?' 'in case you haven't figured it out yet boy genius, there are things in here i don't want you to see.' 'lilly, i don't want to start my day like this.' 'like what?' 'like you being a bitch.' she froze at the words. 'lil, i'm sorry.' she flew past him out into the hallway. he followed her down the stairs. 'lilly, stop.' he rounded the corner into the kitchen and she was drinking a glass of water at the sink. she threw it at him. coltrane barked. water dripped onto the wood floor. she pinned him against the wall and he actually shrunk away from her. coltrane started to growl. her voice was deathly quiet. 'there are things inside of me you aren't supposed to see gavin. do you want me to tell you every gory detail? do you want to know how he tried to kill me too but ran out of bullets? there's nothing but death inside of me. everytime i close my eyes it's all i remember. it's all i see. am i supposed to talk about it? every fucked up daydream i have...oh wait, those technically aren't daydreams cause they actually happened. or the way my mother's body was sprawled in the hallway cause that image is burned in my skull. or maybe how my dad had to have a closed casket cause his fucking head was blown off.' she was shrieking and the dog was howling. gavin had recovered from the initial shock and kept trying to grab her hands. she kept batting him away. 'lil...' 'no, no i can't. why don't you just get ready for work and leave? i can't. not with you here.' 070924 ... crOwl gavin simply obeyed. he had learned from experience that lilly's outburst could be quelled only by strict adherence to her refusal to be approached. she needed to be alone. he collected the parts of himself that she had scattered about the room and left her. coltrane followed him out of the room and down to the kitchen. the teapot was empty, so he filled it. he made a quick sandwich and poured hot water on his tea. he could hear lilly pacing in her art room. gavin sank into himself, feeling bruised and hurt by lilly's seclusion. she was enclosing herself behind a wall of thorns. he was trapped and bleeding between unable to go forward or back. he knew she loved him, but deep down he also knew she was keeping him out because she didn't want to damage him with her nightmarish past. he stuffed the wax paper and foil wrapped sandwich into his pack and headed outside to where his truck sat loaded for the workday. he sat for several minutes in the front seat thinking, absent-mindedly biting his lip until he tasted blood. he loved lilly more than himself, yet something had to happen. she had to let him in to her world. she had to pull him forward. he zoned out completely, actually scaring himself because he began trembling and felt dizzy. then, he took a piece of paper from the clipboard on the front seat and scribbled a note to lilly and ran it back to the kitchen table. moments later, he rolled out of the driveway and into the fog of early morning. 070926 ... unhinged gavin came home from work inordinately tired. he couldn't help but worry about the fight him and lilly had that morning all day. to make matters worse, he had to spend most of the day in the office filling out paperwork; order forms, reports, returns. etcetera etcetera blah blah. the drone of paperwork made it too easy for the lament of lilly's problems to invade his mind. and the note he left her - did it make any difference? he walked up to the door and he could smell his favorite dinner escaping before he even opened it. a bitter smile crept to gavin's lips and he shook his head. lilly always did that, over apologetic and guilty, doing extra kind things for him when he was the one that had accelerated the whole argument by calling her a bitch. when he opened the back door, the full stewed smell of the tomatoes and curry in the lentil stew lifted some of the weariness from his heart. he thought it would be hard when they first moved in together, but gavin had fully adjusted to lilly's vegetarianism because she was such a good cook. the kitchen was dark, lit by candles. when he finally looked around he noticed some of lilly's paintings set up. there were the dark scribblings of a child victim's drawings for their psychologist. and also the bloody but blurry realism that he was beginning to notice as her signature. gavin stopped in front of each one and forced himself to carefully examine each one. too many times he was tempted to turn away. he began to exactly realize why lilly didn't want him to see these paintings. but he knew that was what she saw everytime she tossed and turned next to him. that this was why lilly was always so tired; because her nightmares never allowed her to truly get any rest. gavin walked up to the last painting and he could feel a small panic attack railing against his ribcage. the flutters of his heart bubbled up and burst in his throat. it was a painting of an open casket of who gavin could only assume was lilly's father with a big smudge over most of his face; only his mouth and his left check were decipherable. the knuckles of the right hand were dark purple. gavin's stomach turned over. 'lil?' even as he called her name, gavin realized by the stillness that lilly wasn't home. 071002 ... crOwl when lilly had composed herself of the seething anger, having doused the furious flames with a blanket of tears, she gave coltrane a good, long rub, for he had returned to her side, hoping to calm her down. he licked her hands. and then, she creaked down the wooden stairs to the kitchen where the smell of coffee and sharp cheese was strong. she saw the note on the flowered, vintage tablecloth, resting like a boat on the glassy sea, drifting, waiting to be rescued. she picked it up, feeling a bitter taste in her mouth like something earthy. like dirt and grit. "lilly..." she read. "i'm sorry. but, all i want is to know you. know all about you. i think all of your art is amazing, totally awesome. it's a part of who you are, so that's why i looked at it. it's telling your story. what happened to your family is an unspeakable tragedy and i know you have a really hard time talking about it, yet in your art you are releasing the hurt you have horded in the cellars of your subconcious. go ahead. let it go. i'll help you any way i can. because once you are emptied out, then you can be filled with newness. i love you. evermore. gavin" lilly stared into space. she felt like she was a captive prisoner in solitary confinement, sitting in a cave, or perhaps a dank cellar with only a pullstring light. there was no door, only a window that looked out to a dirt wall. as she read gavin's words, it was like each one was the sound of digging. she looked with her soul's eye and saw the dirt wall crumbling. soil and rock was flying upwards and out. light began to appear and as she rushed over to get a closer look, there she discovered gavin, his face nearly black with soot and mud. smiling. bright teeth in a cheshire cat grin. he was coming for her. he wanted to get her out. 071003 ... crOwl she folded the note and folded it again until it was small enough to fit in her back pocket. it would mean more to her than he would ever know. it was the first seed he planted in the barren soil of her wasted life. she wanted so badly to tell him, to communicate the acceptance of his promise of love, but had no clue how to put it into words, for words to her were, through the murder of her parents, deduced to fish-mouthed gasps for air. however, cooking for gavin, to her was a way she hoped to reveal her smeared understanding of appreciation. i'll go to the market and get some really good stuff, she thought. and that's when she heard the first noise. a clicking sound coming from the basement. coltrane often hung out in the basement on a hot day, so she immediately thought about him, yet it was too early. she ran into the living room and found him curled up on one of gavin's fleece jackets, but his ears were perked up for he had heard the noise as well. that worried her. and so, she listened like a rabbit thinking its smelled a fox. coltrane put his head back on his paws. lilly exhaled a drowning moutful of stress. remembering the meal again, she ran back into the kitchen to check the fridge for availability. recognizing a lot of red peppers but a lack of tomatoes, she closed the door, and heard the mysterious noise again, but much fainter. she moved to the top of the stairs and slowly opened the basement door. coltrane came quickly to her legs and whined. he then gave off a strange yipping bark that spooked lilly immediately and instinctually, she took it to be a sound of alarm. in the ensuing silence, she heard nothing out of the ordinary. the swinging pedulum of the grandfather's clock that gavin's mother gave them was oddly comforting. she noticed coltrane seemed calmer. "what's wrong, trane?" lilly asked him, bending down and rubbing his head. coltrane panted and laid down on his paws, tail thumping the wooden floor. "is somebody down there?" lilly said, using a tone that she halfway hoped was a call out to anyone who actually might be down there. no response. lilly breathed out her sudden fear, and standing up, inhaled a fresh perspective on gavin's note again. she closed the door. coltrane returned to his spot in the other room. she grabbed a scrap piece of paper from the overstuffed drawer under the phone and began writing down a list of items. 071004 ... crOwl it didn't take her long and soon she was on her bike peddling down klines way to whole foods market. she made sure to get curry. gavin loved it, especially the delicious, welcoming, and cozy smell. coltrane trotted along side, never leaving her, and sat obediently waiting for her outside while she shopped. several children patted him on the head. when they returned, lilly entered the house and immediately noticed a peculiar smell. the rank odor of good weed. who could be here? lilly thought to herself, unconsciously tensing the muscles of her lower back. it was not the first time she had smelled it, but this was different, especially since she was gone. coupled with the strange clicking noise from earlier, lilly began to piece together the very real possibility that someone was in her house at this very moment. coltrane entered and stopped midway into the kitchen. he sniffed the air and swallowed it and then trotted indifferently to his spot on gavin's fleece. lilly unpacked the groceries, pausing to listen for an intruder. all she heard was coltrane's sighs and the ticking clocks. "you'd tell me if a stranger was here, right, trane?" lilly called out. coltrane sat up and walked into the kitchen. he held out a paw and rested it on her thigh. she flipped on the ipod player and set to cooking. 071005 ... ;) my mummies the best cook in the world and shes got soft skin. 071005 what's it to you? who go blather from