before_all_this pilot if my life were like a movie, i would stop the present and rewind the last eight months, when i desperately made a move hoping that i could at least win you back the way i had you before. i have changed countries, attempted a new langauge, met poverty, gone in debt, and carried a sadness i had never before known. it would have been nice to at least had signs along the way telling me where to turn, how to act, or at least a compass to remind of the direction i came and where i was headed. but i was equipped with not so much as a map, and unfortunately i have made all the hardest mistakes one could make in an event like this. i was stupid to believe the moving here would make you love me when all we are is friends and brothers. and i was more stupid to believe that you can trust your most personal thoughts and experiences in those who in the end only know how to desert you. you have not deserted me, and i have faith (though i know you won't believe it with the way i cry sometimes) that you will never desert me. the thing is, if i could go back and start all over, i would have stayed another year in houston, and waited things out with you. who knows maybe you and i would be in different places. maybe you would have gone with Lalo and i would be somewhere between contentment and sorrow. sorrow because it would have been the worst choice you would have made, contentment because i would have had my old life and my old friends and my old car. i managed a small but valuable life before, and slowly as i begin to fill this small apartment up with remnants of my old life and trinkets of my new one here, i believe more and more that maybe i can manage building one equal in value here. you should know, that most of the value of this place comes from you, or i wouldn't have chosen this desert nor this country. in fact, i imagined that perhaps the first country i would move to would be spain, and chose a city like madrid or sevilla to begin an adventure in. this has been quite an adventure. and now i have the choice, to continue or to return, and i know if i return only good things wait for me, i know it will be easy and that things will fall into place. and if i stay i'm not certain at all what will happen. before all of this happened with lacey and lexi, before the unneccessary drama with Danny, before we fought and knew that we both are humans, i imagined a life here that was primed with ease. that we would share the house your grandmother rented out, and that our days would be filled with mundane but somehow satisfying things like grocery shopping, and you would go to work and i would make you breakfast, and then i'd leave and go to work and then in the evenings we would both complain about our day and then go out for a drink with friends, and at the very end of the night, u would slide in under the sheets and i would hold you close to me. that's how i envisioned my life here. and now...now that these months have passed and i am aware that nothing is as it seems and the best laid plans really have no foundation to be laid upon, that i have no idea what to expect in the next year (that is if i decide to accept the offer from the school and continue teaching). i don't know if i will continue sad, or empty, or if i will suprise myself and find pleasure and contentment. sometimes i feel like they're not too far off...its moments like i had today when everything seemed to be as it should, when i wake up and i don't wonder if you care, and i know that my students will be waiting. when i return home for lunch and a quick nap before returning to classes, when my needs are taken care of...i almost believe that soon i'll be happy again. and then suddenly i recognize just how fragile and few those times are...and that how quickly they can leave...when you raise your voice, when the desperation sets in and i cry because i feel empty and alone. (i know it all has to do with my dad and the lack of healthy relationship. i've read the books i understand the psychology, i just don't know how to help myself exactly. its just sometimes its hard to get a grip.) before all of this had happened, and before the next eposide begins, i want to know the ending, i want to know how we end or if we continue and we die old and gray and friends if not lovers. i want to be certain that my future is one that is filled with passion and love and happiness. that there is food and fat to chew on when i am 60 and my hair thins. i'm just so tired of stories that end sad, and i'm so tired of the reality that two people who are looking for similar things, never happen to orbit close enough to connect. 070503 ... pilot i have (at this moment what seems the hardest) decision to make. in my heart i want to believe that things will smooth and even between us. that i will stop hurting so much, that the emptiness will go away. before the move i ached because i missed you and the distance was too great. after i moved i ached because i was afraid i would lose you to another. and now i ache simply because the distance we experience is your emotional aloofness. the fact is: you're immature and you don't know what you want. and i am just too scared to accept that there is someone else out there for me. i'm afraid that if i leave you and forget you i'll never find another like you. but all this fighting, this shouting, this pain and emptiness i feel isn't worth the resistence. jennifer once told me many years ago, "love is pain and expensive" and she spoke about her girlfriend from mexico city, fabiola, and how she lied to her and broke her heart. even to this day as now jennifer has married a rich ukranian man and on her way to more financially secure places, i know in her heart that the things she felt for faby were genuine. she told me the more things happen to you, the more callous you become and the less emotional you are when someone leaves you or things don't work. the fact is, i don't want to go through that many people and that much pain to make myself numb. i'd rather have a good cry from this one, and never let another come in as closely as i let you in. i would rather die alone, then know heartache that much. we all have decisions to make. will i stay in tonight or go out? what flavor of milkshake will i have tonight at carl's junior? should i wear the white shirt or the black shirt. for me the decision i face is weighter: should i stay, and keep convincing myself that soon you will change and things will resume where we left them? or should i return and completely erase you and the last year and half from my life. mexico has been the best and worst times of my life. these mountains have touched me and caused me the greatest peace, this sky, the sun, the smell in the morning. i have never been somewhere like this before, and i have never before experienced the things that have made me stronger. and still if i recount all the needless drama between you and i, juan, the endless ups and downs, the constant bickering to all the times that i've felt at complete peace with you, i'm afraid to say that there is no comparison. there is just a leaking i feel, and the constant cultural frustration. i have never given someone the power that i have given you, and i am finally coming to my senses to realize that all you are is someone who will wake up one morning when every other person in your life has left because you didn't care and the void you will feel will be equal to this temporary void i am feeling. 070506 ... Isaou Pilot....I fear I have fallen in love with your blathering 070507 ... pilot i have six days to choose whether i will buy the plane ticket or whether i will stay. you shed tears, i see the remorse on your face, i hear the sorrow in your voice, and i notice the change in the way you treat me, that shows me you're trying... but the reality still is the same, and the situation is still the same, and the past is only a testimony of these. sometimes things are just a little late, and for you, the last boarding call has come and gone. in many ways i am sorry. i thought the moment that you'd understand, the moment i'd see you in this state, that i would feel pure satisfaction, pure vindication, that finally you would know how i've felt for months. and yet, i'm suprised by the sheer volume of my apathy. i don't care. it's as if i'm ready to leave and forget about you, and leave you crying. i fear my insensitivity...but honestly i'm so exhausted by the constant push and pull of our relationship. i've made my big gestures to you, i've shown you how deeply i feel. and now, its your turn. and if it exists that you do not bother to gesture, then i know that you and i were never meant to be, and that we never had anything that was genuine. all of us in this life are like sperm and eggs of squids. we are released into a dark blackness without any specific gaurantee that we will meet and fertilize. its only by chance that some of us meet and perfectly join to create something that's purposed. and you and i had a chance meeting that lead to something wonderful for a time, but what remains is the dying embryo of a hope i nurtured and slowly loosened my grip on when i came to. 070513 ... pilot we went to el papolote after the viewing of lluvia's brother-in-law who committed suicide. it has been over one years since i last went to that restaurant and i remember everything about the first time so clearly. it wasn't busy that day in march, only a few people were scattered around the large dining hall, but this time it was different, we actually had to wait for a table. the thing is, everytime i am close to you or i look at you or when you turn your head, all i can feel is this incredible emptiness, as my scheduled date approaches and we both are leaving for different places. you off to toronto and me to houston, and to think that all of this was something that was so intense and so combustible. we are unstable elements, the lihndenberg exploded because of the instability of its helium...and we are like that, two electrons bouncing around waiting to crash and explode. the pain of this is more real now as i realize i don't know when the next time i will see you will be, and i will be thousands of miles from you and we will be starting new lives in different places. to me its like i'm losing a piece of my body, but more than a finger or a toe: its like losing something important like a thumb, or an eye, or an arm or a leg; something that will permanently handicap you for the rest of your life. it is possible to move on and to work with your handicap, there are options for improving your personal aesthetic and for physical functioning, but the truth is you will never be the same. there is no replacing any of those things. no subsitute. i really wished i had known that things would end so unsatisfactory. i should have paid attention to the signs, been more selective with my decisions. the truth is, there is a hole in me that you've burned through my heart like a cigarrette butt being put out in the seat of a car or a couch, and i can't erase the history we've created. i can't erase anything about you from my life, i can only move on and let time and new people help me mend the parts that need mending. i love you. i wish you knew how deeply those words mean, and i wish i could say that and not mean it, so that i wouldn't feel this pain or this sadness, i would just feel the strength and happiness i had before. i really do wish you well, i wish for you that toronto is all you expect it to be and that you figure out the direction you want your life to follow. pero, si estamos juntos, y luego, si ti vas, siento canzado y triste. no quiero lo siento, solomente quiero la luz del sol y recuerdo la felizidad que yo siento antes. 070603 what's it to you? who go blather from