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serverspacewaste_ii
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dipperwell
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In my time with you, I told you two lies. I won’t tell you what they are, because I am too ashamed and proud, and also because on some level I think you sort of knew. But I can say honestly that your heart was always safe with me. I don’t think I could have hurt you purposely. I am too stubborn for that, and anyway, you’d won my respect. You inadvertently forced me to reinvent everything I believed so that I could be happy...I know that I couldn’t have satisfied you - perhaps if I’d been more courageous, but I wasn’t. Nevertheless, I deserved to know the truth - it was so wrong of you to keep it from me, it’s painful for me to imagine how stupid I must have seemed, to you and those other girls, if they knew about me, and it is completely unfair of you to escape me like you escaped so many other things, without knowing how badly it ached, that the guilt you felt for your cowardice is not one hundredth the hurt I felt those weeks in October when you went behind my back cutting the strings that held me to you. Since then I suppose I’ve been torn between cursing you for so casually dismissing the trust I put in you, and apologizing to you for my copious failings and vulnerabilities which made me, ultimately and unfortunately, inadequate. So it is that I am a labyrinth of strength and insecurity. For months and months you were nothing but a passing thought, but this summer has wiped away all the glowing variables which pushed you into my hindbrain. Everything I write, I have realized, subliminally demands that you repair what you meddled with, or asks tentatively if I was truly so unworthy. Somewhere along this peculiar odyssey I forgot to respond to myself, you and your replies be damned, to exist unto myself, to recognize my own mind - Dipperwell, or whatever it can be called. But now (it occurred to me without any premeditation whatsoever) I remember. It is the witching hour; time to set pen to paper, and unfold the things that are my own.
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051025
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andru235
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in the interest of my enjoying things that interest me, please continue to unfold, pen to paper
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051026
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160202
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what's it to you?
who
go
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blather
from
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