indigo_punch Bizzar the first time i brewed this i was in love with it. it's deep blue purple hue and the fruity notes that lifted up in its steam. i remember that i thought to myself, "this is his tea". he, my purple raven. and then i giggled to myself. because isn't that what you are? a beautiful indigo punch. right to my chest. so i sent you some. and imagine that it will bring you thoughts of me. maybe someday we will both drink it at the same time. and thoughts of each other will cross paths in the air, tangle around each other and embrace for just a moment. 220307 ... Bizzar when i close my eyes i'm pushing strands of hair behind your ear. purple tangles around my finger brushing your cheek when i close my eyes yours are there to meet them pale blue, deep ocean eyes hooded by the shadow of all the trials you've faced when i close my eyes i have one hand on your face and the other around your back pulling you close even if there were no air between us it wouldn't be close enough when i close my eyes i can almost smell you damp earth and campfire almost like i actually know when i close my eyes your heart is at home wrapped in mine and you're safe and i am enough 220407 ... Bizzar sometimes i pretend that you found these pages. i close my eyes and imagine you scrolling through my red_confessions, all of the love i have spilled across blather_red. in my fantasy, you find the first few that could maybe be about you, and then stumble upon this one, when you can no longer pretend that these posts are about someone else, as you read through my dreams, pushing your indigo hair away from your eyes. i can see your expression. hand over your mouth. brow scrunched in surprise. you know how i feel, i’ve told you. but somehow you didn’t think it could be you, that all of this love is for you. maybe one day i’ll show you. maybe one day, we’ll be tangled in blankets and each other, and we’ll be laughing about how long it took us to take this chance. and I’ll tell you about all of my crimson_admissions. let you scroll through the aching, watch you discover the depths of my love. these_red_pages call your name, love. and the empty echo still stings. maybe one day you’ll call mine too. 220411 ... Bizzar this blathe has become my confessional. where i come to spill my love. i have yet to discover what makes the hard nights hard. i had so much of you this past week. and it all feels so good in the moment. you’re all over my stream. and i think you like it. i think it’s good for you. we’ve gamed together. we’ve video chatted. we’ve been goofy, made dirty jokes, giggled. i can’t get enough of you. it feels good to feel important to you. i love when you bounce ideas off of me. like my opinion matters. then night falls. and you’re not next to me. and it feels like every cell is screaming in your absence, calling your name. even saying your name out loud sparks the deep ache. it passes my lips and they strain to let it linger there just a moment longer, as though that could help them taste you. do you know? do you know that your loneliness is a twisting knife in my chest? can you feel the sting of these tears that fall for you? i am trying so hard. so very hard to love you in the way that you want me to. as a dear friend. i don’t know if i have the strength to do that. because every time I read of your sadness, how alone you feel, i just want to scream at the top of my lungs that i’m here. waiting. always waiting. for a chance to brush your cheek with my finger tips. to press my forehead to yours. to squeeze your hand in mine. to whisper i love you in your ear instead of to the wind. if i just love you hard enough. maybe the wind will bring it to you. if i love you hard enough. maybe you’ll hear me call your name. if i love you hard enough. maybe you’ll feel it. maybe you’ll feel how deeply i do. 220417 ... Bizzar making you laugh is like medicine. a remedy for an illness that i didn’t know i had. few things can fill my soul the way your laugh does. when it gets all high pitched. when it hits you so hard you throw your head back. the way your forehead scrunches with that squint. and when it’s me making you laugh, when you manage to get my name out in between giggles. my heart could just burst. and when it’s over i miss it so. miss you. find myself plotting the next thing i can do to bring that smile. to pull a laugh. and i hope that it heals you. even just for a moment. that you can find some peace from those deep belly laughs. before the darkness settles back down around you. if i had one wish, it’d be your head on my lap. my fingers in your hair, dancing across your forehead. letting your eyes get heavy. opening them every few moments to meet mine, to make sure they’re still there, taking in the majesty that is you. I’d sing you to sleep. wrap you up in me until your demons stop screaming. why can i see it so clearly? why does it feel like it belongs to us? like we deserve it? like we deserve each other? i’m in love with you. i may never hold your heart, but you own a piece of mine. and i don’t ever want it back 220430 ... Bizzar yes, it was me, again. do you regret it yet? giving me your address? do you get it yet? that i will stop at nothing to pull your lips into a smile? do you know it’s me immediately? a package you didn’t order. do you see it and know? or does it take a few guesses before you get to me? 220502 ... Bizzar why. i don't even know who i'm asking, who could possibly answer. so i guess i am asking the wind. asking myself. why. why does it feel like my arms belong around you? why does my body miss yours like it knows your embrace? how is something i have never had feel so familiar? why does it feel like i know how you taste? like your kiss is something i have had every day? why do i sit here content to wait. my will both rock solid and crumbling at your hello. my heart knows yours. i don't know how, but it is convinced it does. as though i was loved by you in another life. and that is why your absence hurts so much. why i can't let you go. why i can't move on. why i can't convince my heart that we weren't meant to be. because i can taste your familiarity. 220601 ... Bizzar i think. i think i need to let you go. i don't know how to do that without losing you. and the thought of losing you. of less of you. is the deepest ache i have felt yet. when you post of your loneliness... it's like everything inside of me dies. just a little. i think... it is so unfair that it feels like i am everything you want. everything you need. while simultaneously being the exact opposite. sometimes. sometimes just for a moment. i want to change me. i want to be what you need. because it feels like you were made for me. there are things about you that connect to me in ways i have never experienced. beautiful things. dark things. and the words feel so clumsy and superficial. but i can't quite come up with anything poetic to describe the way it feels to love you. to feel like i belong to you. like you've carved out a chunk of my heart to wear on your sleeve. like parts of my soul are missing and tethered to yours. the way i see us tangled in each other every time i look in your eyes. the way it feels like i've had you before. the way it feels like i already know your heart. the way it feels like i recognize my darkest secrets held between your fingers. the ache just grows deeper. but i don't think i can ever be what you need. i need to let you go. i don't want to let you go. 220716 ... Bizzar why must you hug me like it’s painful to let me go? your embrace is unlike any other i have ever had. do you hug everyone with such force? such passion? does the rest of the world get that experience? everyone should be hugged like this. at least once in their lives. why do you hug me like you want it to last forever? like it hurts to let go? like it might never come again? why must you hug me so it hurts to let go? 220717 ... Bizzar why_must_we 220717 ... Bizzar reading through this thread... i see a trend of sadness that intensifies with each entry. it's no secret that i write my sadness. i come to blather most often when i need an outlet. somewhere to release the dark. somewhere safe. where no one can see. where no one judges. so. it only seems right that i come here now. out of a doom_spiral. when i am full of gratitude. to document this contentment, the feeling that exists in the absence of doom. tonight. right now. i need to get this down. i need to have this to refer to the next time that the doom takes over and tries to blame you for its existence. you are the_moon. my moon. surrounded by infinite void. suffocating dark. and the light that you emit, it fills me. it fills so many. you are -so- beautiful. in this moment. i am thankful. for all of the you that you've allowed me to see. the you that i have yet to discover. tonight i am thankful for your health. that you're finally sleeping. for the fading circles under your eyes. for the bike rides you're taking again. for the jewelry you're making. for your updated logo. for your full stock. for the pride you're feeling. for the steps you're taking out of the darkness. for every moment that you hate yourself less. for the things that get you through the day. for the work you have been missing less. for the excitement in the small things that i am seeing happen more often. for genuine smiles. for selfie videos. for kindness attacks. for the laughs i pull. for the smile lines at the corners of your eyes. for photo messages - the ones that you share on social media but send to me anyway, because you want to make sure i see them. for your trust in me. for the walls you're bringing down. for allowing me to be a part of all of it. for letting me build you up. for letting me in. for you. for making me fall in love with you. for bringing me along for the ride. for sharing yourself with me. for the light of the_moon. 220723 ... Bizzar i'm not sure what i'm doing here. but it feels like it's been a bit since i've been here, and the white box is calling to me. so i guess i'll just write my love to you, yet again. when my days are particularly full of you, my emotions can sometimes get overwhelming, as though i am overflowing with all of the things you make me feel. and sometimes i don't have the words, and i fumble around the keyboard searching for a metaphor, or some prose, some semblance of poetry that can illuminate this feel, and fail to properly convey. so instead, here are my clumsy, dopamine deprived whispers of gratitude for you, my love. i love the inside information i get. it's hard to put into words what it feels like to be that to you. to be the one you send excited ideas to, to give you feedback that lands, to shape some of your decisions, to help you accept kindness and love, and remind you that you deserve it, and feel like that gets through. i love your pieces and your secrets. being the first to know things. i love that i have what i have wanted for so long. to feel important to you. to know that i have left enough of an imprint on your life that you miss me, want me in it. that you continue to pull me in deeper. i love playing a part in your decisions, in your reasons. and somehow, being these things to you helps me to see me in a different light. forces me to see the good in me, the worthy - as you put it, that you see. you told me to stop selling myself short. that i shine bright like the sun. i may not ever get to show you love in the way i crave to, but being loved in this way, by you, makes it just a little bit harder to hate me. 220801 ... Bizzar just say you will love me one day. and i will wait. i will wait. 220811 ... Bizzar i watched the first twenty minutes of your VOD tonight. i hate it when i go back and watch, and no one was there while you were talking, sharing you, and that i wasn’t there to fill that void, show you that you’re loved. i hate that look on your face when you know you’re talking to no one. it’s silly maybe, but it crushes my heart. but i do love listening to you speak of me when i am not present when you’re live. i love the warmth in your tone that was absent just months ago. that i can hear the admiration that you won’t speak of, or can’t speak of. and it fills me in ways i have no words for. i did a thing last week. a thing i didn’t think i had it in me to do. and while i didn’t quite tell you the depths of my feelings for you, i did remind you they were there. and i told you they’d be there forever. that i would be there forever. and i didn’t expect a response. and i didn’t get one. but i knew i wouldn’t. but the warmth in which you spoke my name, just a day after i spilled my love to you once again. that and my admission have left me feeling so much lighter. I can’t quite explain it. but knowing you know, it gives me hope that it will help you to love yourself just a little more. that maybe you will take one extra deep breath with thoughts of it. that it brings you a smile to know that one person out there thinks you’re the_moon. and that she’d gladly give up her tides for the chance to show you how fucking beautiful you are. and while i certainly can’t sit here and imagine that i am on your mind, i can hope that you think of me, and my feelings for you as a way of feeling just a little less lonely. and i wonder if you need me the way i need you. and i wonder if my intuition is right, if i do get more of you than most of your friends. if i am helping you through life the way i think i might be. i want nothing more than to see those smile lines in the corners of your eyes. to hear of all the ways you’re stepping out of the darkness. i think i helped. i think i help. 220815 ... Bizzar it has been one week since my message to you. two since our bike date. and the light hasn’t faded. the heavy hasn’t returned. and you. and you. you. are worth the wait. worth the fight. worth every tear i’ve cried. every wonder. every silence. every doubt. you. are so goddamn beautiful. and i hate that you can’t see it. i hate that your world is sometimes too dark for you to see the warm light that you radiate. if i could bottle it up, i would. i’d give you every ounce I receive, i’d gladly give it all up for the chance for you to experience you the way i do. for you to see you the way i do. you. are fighting you. i think. when it comes to me. maybe you’re afraid of needing me. maybe you’re afraid to let me see you. maybe the last time you let someone see you, they hurt you. expected you to change. but i think i do see you. and i love you. and you can’t scare me away. i will keep showing up. i will keep loving you. i will be here, waiting. and if you’re never ready, that’s ok. i’ll still be here. this is my promise to you. 220817 ... Bizzar turns out i can't love you enough for the both of us if it just isn't there for you. 221005 what's it to you? who go blather from