i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_10 crOwl gavin closed his phone. lilly's voice, iitially a cry in the night was now a siren to him, but not causing his ship to careen into jagged rocks, yet the antithesis. she was luring him deeper and deeper into himself. he was at the threshold of learning who he was. poet? artist? waste? loser? he figured he was a little of each, but he wanted to be more than all of them. still, i'll be labeled he mused. he thought instead of lilly standing before him, wearing tight-assed jeans and a flower-patterned singlet without a bra. she reaches forth her hand and takes his, moving it directly to her warm spot. he can feel the fabric and her petal-like softness, even beyond the denim. she moves his hand back and forth, moaning slightly. and then, gavin, startled by the doorbell, shook his shaggy sun-bleached, salt-wrecked mop of hair, and stood up, his breath-taking, boner-popping, image of lilly shattering like a full glass of pinot on the tile floor. coltrane, who had been dozing by gavin's feet, woke up and immediately barked out a threatening series of machine gun rat-a-tat. "hush!" gavin half-yelled. he was barefoot and there was still saltwater in his ears from a quick after- work session in the choppy, three foot surf. coltrane obeyed, as always. he was their dog now. gavin opened the door. standing before him was a young woman. saying he was startled would not be correct. it was more like, recogniton, as from the hidden past. the pirate's treasure chest of manipulated memories. he knew who she was, that is to say he followed the progression of her development. it was the same girl he had once loved in hunting cabins and wild flower fields, along streams and stick huts, beside log-burning fires, and in summer camp bunks. "jenna?" gavin emitted. he was just so certain. "hey gavin." jenna said, looking at him and then away, like a fawn in the woods of bare trees. "whoa," gavin said, as if someone had thrown a rock at him in some game of the imagination. he had just remembered that this girl was the one who had sent him all the perfume-scented letters chronicling their doomed love. gavin could not help but let his mind run like a stream, arriving at the banks of pregnant potential. he saw the snap of his lighter, the ignition of the paper. the burning of the flame, and the closed-eyed-birthday-hopin' wished for all in all... the climax of its completion. "um, wow. you're beautiful." he said these words as if he were reading them from the page of a book that he checked from the library. the one where the dinosuar sculpture looms and flowers bloom even after the first snow. jenna looked down. her hair was still blond and wavy. it hung on her shoulders like a grandmother's minx. she was 5'6" and slim, but her breasts were pleasant and yielding. available and free with ample cleavage. "i need to tell you something." she said, almost whispering. she cleared her throat. "i'll get you a drink," gavin urged, thinking of wine. "thanks." jenna returned. she stepped in lilly and gavin's home. coltrane wagged his tail quickly and sniffed her crotch, lifting his nose under the skirt straight to her panties. she felt the wetness of his nose and tongue for one brief bolt of lightning. in sevee embarassment and anger, she brought her hands down hard on his nose. coltrane turned away from her, yelping. "sorry about him. he's an idiot," gavin offered. 071203 ... whoops that should read "severe" 071203 ... crOwl "come on in," gavin continued to urge. he moved quickly to the fridge and found the blanco. he splashed her a sprightly glass and lifted it to her. she accepted it with a forward smile and inhaled the fruit. she sighed, as if she was welcome. "so?" gavin asked pouring himself a glass. he was a little concerned with the serious look on jenna's face after her veiled greeting faded. "is everything ok?" she took a sip and considered how to answer. "i'm fine." and then she swallowed dryly, ready to drop the unexpected bomb she brought with her. 071203 ... crOwl "um," jenna said, looking gavin in the eye. thier gaze locked, for gavin could tell her matter was scripted, as if his life had become a stage play and he was playing the character of himself. she would listen to the lines jenna spoke and then recite the ones he had memorized. plus, he knew she was not here out of love. this was some freaky, doomed coincedence. it was something completely different. spooky. fucked up. perhaps even cruel in its fateful declaration. "i know who killed lilly's parents." jenna said, and to gavin, the name llly sounded like a baby's piercing cry in the night. "you do?" gavin asked, blindly. he seemed to be sinking into a dark hole, and could feel a unrelenting tugging at his feet, his legs, his body. it was though a large flock of ravens had settled in the twisted bare branches of a giant sycamore tree in the backyard, threatening, oppressive, and forbearing. the precursors of destruction. "he's my boyfriend." 071204 ... sorry that should read "their" (first line) 071204 ... unhinged gavin woke with a start to feel trane's dog breath warm on his face. coltrane was standing over him on the bed and at the first flutter of gavin's eyes, gave him a big sloppy kiss all over his mouth. gavin batted him off the bed. 'oh trane. fucking gross dude. trane slobber does not belong in my mouth.' and then gavin's spooky dream about his ex with lilly's ex hit him. the whole thing didn't make any sense because lilly's ex was still in prison for the slaughter of her family. the jury awarded him the maximum sentence without chance of parole because of her parents' prominent place in the community as the neighbors who always helped. and the obvious psychotic viciousness of the crime was a threat to all the other residents of the town. 'it must have been the mail,' gavin thought to himself as he also realized that it was still dark outside. he turned his head to look at the alarm clock. 3:47am stood out in bright red neon. gavin rubbed his eyes and hopped out of bed. he felt a grumbling in his stomach and headed down to the kitchen, coltrane close behind him. gavin opened the refrigerator and noticed the very last of the lentil curry lilly had made for him almost a week before. 'well, it must be almost bad. i guess i have to finish it off. couldn't let that stewed goodness my very own phone sex operator made just for me go to waste.' he shuffled around the kitchen to heat up the curry and kept stepping on trane's feet. 'dude. SIT. ok ok, good boy. now STAY.' lilly woke up suddenly as if from a bad dream. she lifted her torso to look over the back of the couch at the clock on the microwave in owen's kitchen. 6:55am stood out in green neon on the microwave's digital display. more quickly than she would have liked, the reason lilly was back home flooded her brain and a tear escaped before she could stop it. there was no way she could fall back asleep. her stomach rumbled in protest. her brother's cat noticed she was awake and started screaming to be fed. 'ok ok. enough already. you are going to give yourself a concussion banging your head into that cabinet little one.' lilly opened the cabinet and sure enough found the cat's food. after she fed the cat, lilly scooted around the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. that taken care of, she opened the refrigerator and noticed leftover eggplant from the night before. never one for breakfast foods, lilly took the casserole pan out of the refrigerator and licked her lips. 071204 ... crOwl gavin grabbed the LA times metro section and looked at the images first. there was a van gogh exhibit at the getty. he slurped up the curried lentils and sipped from a small bottle of pellegrino that had gone stale. he scanned over the pages of the paper, reading briefly about a review of the "a band of horses" concert at the greek theatre. he burped weakly. coltrane whimpered. "dude. check your dog dish, brutha!" the dog slunk away slowly and settled grumpily at his bowl of iams. gavin couldn't help but think more about lilly's last boyfriend. how his old girfriend was in love with him. it was beyond strange. what the fuck? gavin thought, nearly spitting out the mouthful. he read on and found a small ad for a small french circus coming to an underground theatre near venice beach. the performance was tomorrow at 8 pm. i'm going, gavin told himself. lilly ate alone, with the cat twirling itself around her chair leg like a silky ribbon. she nuked the casserole and ate straight from it, dashing it with habernaro sauce. she drank her coffee with soy mik and a bit of raw sugar. she grabbed a coffee table book from a top cupboard, a retrospective of nick bantock. she thumbed the pages and thought about the last night she shared with gavin before she left for her grandmother's funeral in vermont. she looked up from the book and gazed out the ktchen window where she could see snowflakes twirling down from the sky like pieces of shredded paper. she saw the whiteness of his ass against the brown of his back. 071204 ... crOwl gavin stretched for his cell phone, flipped it open and pressed lilly's name. 071204 ... unhinged lilly's phone rang while she was flipping through the book. she looked over her shoulder at the clock. 7:23 am vermont time. who was calling her? she ran back into the living room and saw gavin on her caller id. she tried to do the math while answering the phone. was it 5:23 or 4:23 there? 'hey coppertone baby. what are you doing awake right now? what time is it there?' gavin looked around but there was no clock in the living room. coltrane was wagging his tail in big playful swipes at lilly's voice. gavin's pathetic attempt at decorating was almost knocked off the coffee table and smashed into pieces by trane's muscular whip. 'trane and i really miss you. i had a bad dream and couldn't sleep.' a smile and tears threatened to overtake lilly's face. she bit her lip. 'aawww. i thought i was the one that had bad dreams.' 'not the only one. i didn't realize how much of a security blanket you were until you left. if i can think about soaking up all your nightmares, i don't have any of my own. what are you doing awake?' lilly sniffled and shrugged then realized that gavin couldn't hear her shrug. 'i don't know. couldn't sleep. the funeral is early anyways. i should probably wake owen and cooper up. or get in the shower. the church service starts at 10am.' coltrane finally knocked the figurine of a little boy pulling a wagon off the table and the little boy's arm and the handle of the wagon snapped off. 'BOY. SIT. sorry lil. trane is freaking over here at the sound of your voice. he just broke kaleb.' lilly laughed. 'well, i did kinda hate that kitschy thing. scratch him behind the ears for me. i'm really glad you called but i should go and get in the shower.' gavin let out a frustrated groan. 'it feels like it's been five years since the last time i touched you.' 'damn man. you are like a teenage boy. we can spend an entire day 'touching' each other when i get home.' gavin could hear the quotes in lilly's voice. 'or two. if you need to, please call me later. i can't believe how much i miss you too.' 'me too. but i gotta go. i'll be back the day after tomorrow.' 'i can't wait. bye.' 071205 what's it to you? who go blather from