me <3 this is the centre of my world...yet i hide it 001228
j_blue curious

it resonates
unhinged i'm ashamed of it all
i am

and don't think i haven't thought about it, analyzed it, tried any method of getting rid of it. for the time that i didn't need it, for the time i thought of better saner things, it only makes me more ashamed. like i don't have a place in the world.


and the hole, pit, vacuum in my heart; you know the one that sucks in all the happiness until even the everyday things that could make me smile are meaningless, it's winning.

and i looked at him, drunk as an excuse, and said 'i win.' only because i was trying to convince myself.

i win.

and i'm crawling in the ever-shrinking part of my soul that protects me from these things. like a cocoon, comforter, warm bottomless lake, that encloses me to keep me safe for another day. don't worry. i'm saving the smallest part; the part that reasonated at the words 'you are a special human being and i love you' cause i believed it wholly.

symmetry . 040828
precis it feels wrong when you do it but right afterwards

but something about it means you can't stop
unhinged something about endorphins and seratonin and how they get released or something....

even though you may be emotionally guilty, phsyically it feels good.
i name my razorblades it is a form of good and evil. it makes me feel relieved and it makes me feel guilty. it leaves scars that reveal your soul and reveal your past. it makes yout tell lies and it makes you realize the truth. it's relief is short lived; it's consequences are worse...and yet, i will never stop. someday i will end my life. 060704
what's it to you?
who go