self_imposed kingsuperspecial In this weird space, I watch from above while my brain acts, struggles avoid rebound disasters, The monkey_brain can easily take the wheel. A side effect of incessant thought grinding, I make headway toward finding the leash curbing impulse behavior. With change comes a new found state a dilemma beautiful and lurking, where wires cross; the impulse activities are things I still need to do. spend touch start consume share release With impulse raising alarms, paranoia causes a near inability. To visit the relatives of these things, or contemplate even simple pleasures, the idle tingle, a eye met, a plan for doing, all catch in the filter, stalling. This staggers, confusion and anxiety join forces with lingering, unfounded guilt, their uncertain stumbling a danger, the monkey so easily awoken. I want to do slip easily about my business, but the how and when trip on past mistakes, and shame. Now I monitor and check feel panic rise while crossing vague spaces where intimacy has begun but commitment is not clear or consumptions are warranted but the controls are brittle searching for clues, signs that might make the decisions easier. Despite the monkey_urge screaming from the back of my skull, the phone stays hung up, the check book closed the whiskey corked Sometimes, clarity comes, and with a new tingle of learning I realize that my integrity may be worth more than having or hiding or grunting and sweating. 021003 ... thieums So free we can even Choose our own jails. 090730 what's it to you? who go blather from