i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_16
c r 0 w l when lilly placed both of her hands on his face and drew him close to her and he accepted her soft, giving lips upon his, gavin would never know such a moment of extreme reunion. he could still feel her warm and inviting embrace as he placed her luggage in the old volvo and closed the hatchback; an electric sense of cohesion that promised much more when privacy became their patient achievement.

gavin pulled into traffic away from the curb and felt lilly's body cozying up to him, her left arm around his neck, her right sliding across his t-shirt and up to his tight beard. it was indescribable to have her familiar hands on him again. time stopped as if it was bowing, realizing it had no more importance than useless ticks when the two of them were together.

"oh my god, lilly," gavin exhaled, nearly weeping for the joy to have her beside him again. all the guilt he was feeling dissipated in the revelation of her overflowing forgiveness and the embodiment of her long awaited presence. "it's so good to have you back." she nuzzled even closer, kissing the sensitive skin of his neck and tenderly squeezing the muscle at his right shoulder. "how are you? are you ok?"

"i'm fine," she said quietly, burying her nose into gavin's collar. "i missed you so much." gavin took his right hand off the wheel and placed it on lilly's left thigh, gripping it.

"how's your family?" he asked, thankfulness flooding him, washing over him like water.

"everyone's good," lilly sighed. she kept her right hand firmly around gavin, kneading him off and on.

"you smell so nice," gavin said, breathing in. he could hear the crackling of her smile. she nibbled quickly at his right ear and he felt it all the way to his groin. gavin reached up his right hand to turn the music on and put it back on lilly's thigh, higher this time. he could feel her legs parting slightly. he desired to reach even higher but hesitated, deciding he'd wait. he had all the time in the world.

he drove like that all the way back home and they talked about the funeral, about boo and cooper and the rest of her family. he told her about the little french circus, his dream about coltrane, and his peculiar adventure in topanga, yet never mentioned ruth. everyone has secrets, he figured. 		080109
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c r 0 w l hmmm...don't know why i called it a volvo when it's a saab...sorry. 080109
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unhinged it's always hard to go back home the first time after you leave. especially if you are running from something.

as soon as gavin turned off the car, lilly catapulted herself on top of gavin. 'make me forget.' she ate up all his attempts at words with kisses.

there was muffled barking from inside the house. gavin groaned. 'lil....trane. i haven't let him out since the day before yesterday.' lilly sat on gavin's lap and agonizingly twisted to open the door and get out of the car. he chased her to the back door.

as soon as the door cracked open, a flash of dog lightening circled his favorite tree and unleashed a long noisy stream of piss on the roots. gavin and lilly laughed.

'trane i'm sooooo sorry. come here.' trane bipassed gavin to get to lilly. 'oh isn't that nice. my dog snubs me for my girlfriend.'

lilly was kneeling to look coltrane in the eye while she scratched behind his floppy ears. he tried to lick her lips but she expertly dodged his slobbery kiss. 'no. no kisses trane. wanna come in?' trane pranced back into the yard. 'guess not.'

'good. that means i get you all to myself.' gavin pulled lilly up and into the house. 		080109
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c r 0 w l lilly giggled.

she was so very happy to be back in sunny, warm california. burlington, vermont was in the teens, with a foot of snow and windchill below zero. besides, she was tired of being sad. she was empty and wanted gavin to fill her.

he unlocked the door of their cozy spanish-style abode on santa cruz st. and then swooped her up into his arms. she shrieked playfully, but he shooshed her sternly. "we need to be silent, now," he urged, as if he was a tour guide taking her on a journey into the world of lilly and gavin...lillvin...gavinallly...lillygav...gavilly...

she was perfect in his arms, a fit made in heaven as it were. every god carrying his goddess into valhalla. he led her bee into flower, as she snuck her face into the crook of his chin. he nuzzled her and she cooed like a bird in spring. he walked across thrift store persian rugs and creaky wooden floors, up clean-washed varnished stairs to the upstairs bathroom. he pushed the white-painted door open with his doc-martened foot. the stain-glass pane at the top rattled a welcome. lilly sighed, as if she just finished whispering a song.

once he stepped on the black and white beehive-tiled floor and gently shut the door, clicking it into place, he set lilly to her feet, a vase upon marble.
he looked at her for a brief moment before he spoke. 		080111
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c r 0 w l "oh my god, lilly," gavin said, exploding with happiness. he gazed at her like a fine arts student gazes upon a rossini artfully hung on a gallery wall. "i can't believe you're back here with me." even as he said the words he knew they had been written for him and he hated himself for that. it was what he was scripted to say so his secret would be safe. god forbid she know about ruth. lilly's jealousy was fierce.

instead, he turned away from her for a moment as if he was looking at himself in a mirror and was disgusted with what he beheld. she grabbed onto his waist even as he twisted away from her and drew him to her lips.

he kissed her softly as if she would break like fragile blown glass. she tasted like travel and sorrow.

she opened her self to him. "my gavin," she uttered. he came in and took her. she undressed him first, starting with his t-shirt, pulling it awkwardly over his head. she giggled at the way his hair looked bedraggeled, so he wet his fingers and patted it down into place. then she yanked at his belt buckle, freeing it from its hold. she grabbed at his snap that kept his cords together, and then unzipped them, allowing them to fall to the tile. he kicked them out of the way. she rimmed his undershorts with her fingers, teasing him. his skin trembled. when she reached his lower abdomen. he shuddered with pleasure, wishing she'd go even lower.

instead, she stopped in an effort to effectively prepare him for her inevitable onslaught of sexual fervor. she loved to lead him on and then cut him off. over and over until he was worthy of his reward.

she tugged his pants down and around his bare ankles and feet, which left him straining fully-extended behind his tight cotton boxers. she swallowed a gasp, remembering his size, imagining it to soon be inside her again as so many times before, pushing her towards release.

she reached forward and kissed him hard, opening her mouth and circled his tongue with hers. she touched him with outstretched palm and arched fingers where he hoped she would, closing around himm with gradual pleasure, stroking him and he was soon engorged with breakaway euphoria. she stopped again to his groans of protest and pulled off his shorts and he stood naked before her. 		080111
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unhinged lilly tried, but she couldn't concentrate on the sensations of sex. the harder she tried, the worse it got. everything about sex in general felt like grief and tearing and ending, and death was so close to her mind that she couldn't shake it. gavin was probably the best lover she had ever had, but still she couldn't shake it.

gavin's passion slowed down to nothing and she barely noticed. he playful smacked her ass. 'lil....what are you thinking about?' she turned over onto her back and a tear escaped down her cheek. gavin gathered her up in an enveloping hug. 'i'm an idiot.'

'no. you aren't an idiot. i thought i could forget if...if you....' gavin began to kiss her tenderly.

'if i did this instead?' lilly nodded. they made out for hours, love in every molecule that passed between them.

coltrane finally started barking to be let back in the house. gavin and lilly scrambled for their clothes. 'gavin,' he looked up at the distress in her voice 'i have to tell you something.'

'ok. did i do something?'

'no. about my life before. some bad stuff happened to me, like before my parents died. that's why i was with that asshole that killed my parents. because...well, i....'

gavin was holding her face in his hand 'a guy hurt you.' gavin's other arm pulled her closer. 'i know lil. i noticed sex really isn't your favorite thing.' she tensed in his arms. 'no no lil. it's okay. somebody did something to you that wasn't your fault. they took things from you. really important things. i want to give them back to you, to help you. cause i love you.' coltrane barked in the backyard. 		080112
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c r 0 w l "why don't you go and let the poor boy in?" lilly asked. she sat staring out their bedroom window. she was naked, but the sexual tension was drowned out. she felt like someone had cut off her hands and she had nothing to hold on to things.

"ok," gavin said. he felt like a complete failure and knew he had brought poison into the house with him. to his lips he brought it to lilly and invited her to taste it and in so doing, she beheld him a fool, refusing to respect him for his presence.

gavin put on his clothes and left her, ignoring her as he left the room and she noticed his obvious disinterest. he descended the stairs and pushed open the front door to let coltrane back him. he wagged his tail with gratitude and then made an upstairs beeline to lilly. gavin remained outside and dug his cellfone ou of his pocket.

he scrolled his contacts until he reached dennis and pressed the green button. it rang three times and then dennis answered.

"hey, gavin," he said, picking up.

"hey, dennis," gavin said, sighing hard, thinking of lilly's lack of passion.

"what's the matter? you sound sick, my brother,"
dennis said. gavin was impressed with his ability to recognize his sadness.

"it's lilly," gavin said, swallowing. "she's dealing with some skeletons in her closet." 		080113
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c r 0 w l "that's a stange way of saying it," dennis said, "has she been keeping a secret from you?"

gavin sucked in at the word "secret." it was like slicing a hot air balloon with a sharp knife. "maybe," gavin answered. 'it's something that happened to her in the past, something bad, maybe child abuse."

"that's too bad," dennis said. "but everybody has something."

"how do i deal with it?" gavin asked. he heard lilly open the front door and step upon the front porch.

"liste to her. she wants to tell you the story."

"ok man, thanks. gotta go."

gavin turned around. lilly was right behind him. 		080114
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unhinged 'who was that?'

'well, that was the guy whose house i ended up at while you were gone.'

'what did he want?'

'i called him actually.'

'i wasn't done talking to you gavin.' lilly walked back in the house. coltrane was circling her in attempt to round her up towards the kitchen. she scooped two cups of dog food into his dish.

'shit. lilly.....'

'i was trying to tell you something i haven't told many people. i just....have a hard time. you know?'

'i know lil. but i don't know what to do. i want to help, but i don't know.' she was standing at the kitchen sink and he walked up to her and put his hands on her arms. she bristled at his touch.

'so i'm too crazy for you?'

'lilly....'

'yeah, that's what i thought. i think i need to be alone.' lilly walked towards the front door.

'lilly. WAIT.'

she stopped at the door. 'gavin, i don't want you to pity me. i don't want you to worry about me. i just....don't know. i need to be alone for awhile.'

gavin watched her walk away, headed towards the beach. 'shit, shit, SHIT.' he pounded his fist on the door frame. trane whined at his frustration. 'of course i worry about her trane. how could i not? what would we do without her? i bet you remember what it was like before.' gavin reached down and started to scratch behind trane's ears. 		080115
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