i_was_mistaken Soma It is almost humorous. I thought we were in love. But finding myself here, lying next to you, feeling cold and distant as a child being carried away from the beach in the ocean currents. Realizing what I have for you is not love, but some strange emotion. Something between a person who takes in a cat, and a doctor who cures children in Africa. Something more of my own determination to prove myself to me, to overcompensate for my parents sins, than my own. I tried so hard to make things work... I thought I could make myself love someone. And now after all this time, to find myself here cold and disillusioned. Is this jaded? I know I am breaking your heart. I can hear you crying with every muffled beat. Like the desperate struggle of a bird against a merciless cat. I am that cat, and you, the poor bird. You never even knew what hit you. So I'm sitting here. Trying to figure out how to tell you that I am not in love with you. Trying to figure out how to keep you from hurting. Trying to figure out if I can love anyone. And more than anything else, trying to figure out if the one person I ever thought I had a shot with can forgive me for how much I hurt him. I was mistaken. And I am so, so sorry. 080524 ... oops It is almost humorous. I thought we were not in love. But finding myself here without you, thinking of you insatiably, it all makes sense. It is clear now that I love you and perhaps you love me too. I realize that what I feel for you is not some strange emotion, as I led myself to believe; rendering myself incapable of loving, but rather something different and stronger than I could have perceived. I though I was jaded. I thought that my heart would never heal and I thought that love was impossible. I though myself cold and disillusioned. I though myself wrong. I love you. 080525 what's it to you? who go blather from