horribleness lobsterman he'd often imagine, bizarre martyr fantasies. like if his loved ones were in comas, he could be both humble and attended to. he could be heroic and still receive the attention of new people. an easy out. 040214 ... The Unspoken That i exude it in nearly visible clouds must be what drives it. 040215 ... Syrope so i've learned a lot being sick. i've learned that i'm perfectly capable of convincing myself i'm not *that* sick until someone says "hey, are you supposed to be yellow?"...i've learned that suppositories aren't all that bad since losing my anal virginity...i've learned that wet frozen toilet paper makes a wonderful cold compress. and i'm reminded of the pure horribleness of involuntary vomitting. i'm perfectly comfortable with throwing up just to make my slightly queasy stomach feel better, or by my own hand in moments of severe insecurity after a binge... but not being able to swallow back, not being able to catch my breath between spasms, not knowing where the electric-yellow color is coming from...i haven't been sick this way since middle school. and my poor stomach & esophagus are so sore...coughing and sneezing leave me in the fetal position, stretching is nearly impossible. leaving the room this morning i was disgusted by the sight of food, but i did convince myself to bring some applesauce & a piece of toast. now i'm starving. i thought having this odd headcold/flu thing was better than having the "gastrointestinal disease floating around campus"...that is, until i got both at once. i'm just thankful that my lower intestines are steel. i mean, i probably would have gotten over this more quickly if my lower digestive tract would have pitched in, but no thanks. ugghghgh 040215 what's it to you? who go blather from