targeted_ads ovenbird There are days when I really wonder what the fuck I googled that resulted in the targeted ads I'm being shown. Today the Internet tried to entice me with a women's full body PU leather onesie from Temu. This is very hard to describe but I'll try. Imagine someone encased in a cocoon of shiny, fake leather. The cocoon has a draw string hood that is cinched around the face of the model so only her nose and mouth are visible. Her hands are pinned to her sides inside the cocoon, her legs are sequestered in a single sheath of leather like a bondage inspired mermaid and there is no plausible way for her to move or stand up. She's lying on an inflatable mattress with grey sheets. Her feet are sticking over the edge of the mattress as if she was dumped there like a bag of garbage, which isn't far off from what she looks like. Why? Why would I want to buy this? What unfortunate search term or accidental click brought this to my social media feed. (Although I suppose if I managed to squeeze myself into such a onesie I would render myself immobile and no one could really ask me for anything…maybe there's something to it.) 251003 ... ovenbird Today Temu would like me to buy a "large capacity foldable plastic storage bin with lid and four wheels." This seems innocuous enough as a suggestion. I mean, who couldn't use a bit of extra storage. But the image accompanying the ad shows a woman with blonde hair in a white cardigan INSIDE the storage bin. So I have to wonder... Why do I need a storage bin exactly the right size for a small woman to fit inside? What is that woman doing, smiling vaguely, inside the storage bin? What would I do inside a storage bin if I had one? I guess the link between yesterday's ad and today's is "unusual places an exhausted mother could hide." I didn't buy the storage bin, but only because I already have a closet to hide in. 251004 ... ovenbird Today Facebook recommends an “extra large foldable cat litter box that can accommodate an adult.” The accompanying photo shows a woman with long dark brown hair pulled back into a pony tail with a red ruffled shirt and faded black jeans sitting in a massive yellow plastic litter box. A white circle has been strategically placed over her face because, clearly, no one wants to be identified as the person sitting inside a cat litter box. I suppose it’s possible this has something to do with our broken toilet? I’ve been waiting quite a while for maintenance to be sent out to fix our upstairs toilet. Maybe my phone has overheard me griping about this and thinks a human sized litter box is the solution? I’m not convinced. It’s bad enough that I’ve been having to stick my hand into the toilet tank to manually lift the flapper to flush the toilet, I’m certainly not going to start scooping a litter box that my children have been using. The bigger question is: why does this exist at all? Are people secretly breeding giant cats? Is this part of that trend where people were buying human sized dog beds and maybe now they’re expanding to other pet paraphernalia? These are questions_without_answers. I did not buy the cat litter box. 251005 ... ovenbird Today the internet would like me to buy “a silicone fake chest with silicone prosthetic breasts.” This isn’t just a couple silicone inserts for your bra. This is an entire chest with breasts attached, complete with a teal bikini top. You put the whole thing over your head like a halter top and it clips in the back like a bra. The colour of the silicone “skin” is greyish. So I imagine I would look like a well endowed corpse while wearing it. And I have some words for the internet in relation to this suggestion: No thanks. I have spent a good chunk of my life loathing the shitty cards I was dealt in having breasts so small I have often been mistaken for a boy. And I was even more distraught when they refused to perform their actual biological function of producing milk to feed my babies. And here’s the thing—I’m over it. I’m done hating this part of me that I have literally no control over. I won’t be altering my body with silicone monster masks made for my chest. And I would appreciate it if the world would stop telling all of us that we should despise our bodies. I did not buy the fake chest with prosthetic breasts. 251006 ... ovenbird I'm not sure how many more of these I'll post, but today the internet would like me to buy an "adult's light-up angler fish jawesome costume" (“jawesome” is not a typo and it gave me a laugh) and I have to admit that the algorithms controlling ads might be getting a little closer on this one. The costume is basically a hat that surrounds your face with sharp teeth and features a dangling light. I have to say, I was tempted. Do you remember, recently, when that angler_fish came up from the deeps and died at the surface of the ocean? There were all these memes and artwork and comics about the angler fish getting the chance to see the sun. And suddenly I became a person who was crying, repeatedly, over a dead angler_fish. Its plight moved me. Here was a creature who lived its entire life in the dark and risked everything for one chance to experience the light. Poems were written about this fish. People were WRECKED, myself included. I did not buy the angler fish costume, but I hesitated. I think the algorithm scores a point here. 251007 ... ovenbird This morning the Internet thinks I could be enticed to buy a “1 pc plastic pig holder for artificial insemination.” Who does the Internet think I am?! At this point I'm almost a bit proud of how confused my algorithms are. What goes on in its computerized brain? I'm imagining it saying to itself, “Well…she's not interested in makeup or hair products. I can't get her to click on anything related to clothes or shoes. I've tried tempting her with that online yoga platform that uses nearly naked women in its ads to no avail. I can only conclude that she's a hermetic pig farmer in need of artificial insemination tools.” I didn't buy the pig holder. 251011 ... ovenbird Today the Internet would like me to buy an “anxiety hoodie” from a company called Cozy Ghost. I think, at long last, the algorithms finally have me figured out. (Why yes, I HAVE been frequently ghosted and yes, I DO have anxiety!) This hoodie is weighted to provide deep pressure, oversized so as not to be restrictive, and has a huge hood made to block light and sound. I suspect that it's just a regular hoodie with a lot of marketing gimmicks attached but, I have to admit, I was legitimately tempted to buy one. The world is often too much for me–too bright, too loud, too cruel. I don't think a hoodie will fix it, but it's the sort of thing I would try out of desperation, a small comfort in a hard world. 251024 ... ovenbird Today the internet would like me to buy a “1 pc Chicken Butt LED Night Light–USB powered” which features a glowing orb emerging from the butt of a plastic rooster. There are a lot of problems with this. Not least of which is the anatomical impossibility of a rooster laying an egg. In general though, I’m unlikely to choose a night light that is emerging from anything’s butt. But maybe that’s just me. I did not buy the Chicken Night Light. 251105 what's it to you? who go blather from