running birdmad to stand still 010125 ... birdmad around in circles 010604 ... spoons On my birthday me and my friends are running in the 24-hour marathon... 010610 ... fallen there is nowhere to go 010627 ... jolie in the summer, at night I would go running. I would breath to the beat of my feet hitting the gravel road, and keep going, even though I felt like my lungs were in my throat. Finally I each my cemetary, which is sort of a secret. Literaly. It can't be seen from the road. The Shiawasse county website saus location:unknown , inactive. Its all mine now. Somebody mows it, but I never see anyone come or go. I settle myself down on the grass in the oldest part of the cemetary. The ground is riddled with tiny white tombstones one after another, like jaged teeth. There isn't any descernable writing. Somewhere I heard they were children. I sit on the grass, and before too long my dog would find me. The seventy pound love of my life would lay next to me. He always had sticks and leaves in his hair, but he never minded. A wonderful collie. He and I would lull in the grass, and watch as the rising sun cast a cool blue/grey hue over my world. I miss him so much. 030520 ... autumn I wish you'd all stop running away. You know that fears will follow you. So will pain. It will catch up to you. Running will never solve anything. Turning to face. Strong willed. Brave. Support yourself and make the change that will keep you where you need to be. Make your own change. Do not run. 041026 ... nom from the bus to catch the boat a painful idea 051007 ... misstree it's more than habit, anymore it feels sometimes like the mindlessness of a rat that knows nothing else. wild-eyed and blind, seeing nothing but the moving pictures in your head. or someone whose plane has crashed, seeing no land but still swimming, swimming, because there *is* no land, and survival beats all. no to and no from. not even a path, and no reference for movement. just calories being eaten by fear. just knowing that you can not rest. i will believe that there will be an end, because i have to. and until i find it, my feet will beat themselves against ground and my chest will burn and i will absent myself so it doesn't hurt if i don't let it. i will run if i have to. i will stop only when i can. 051008 ... FELLRUNNER TRAINING IS MEDITATION, RACING IS LIFE 060209 ... nom running to catch the bus after getting my blood taken probably wasn't a very swift idea 070305 ... nom running to catch the bus after getting my injections the other day, i ran by an old lady who just about karate-chopped me,...she was screaming and yelling "someone's trying to steal from me",...i of course wasn't trying to steal anything from her,...was just running to catch the bus,..i apologized for scaring her as i kept running 070310 ... tender_square i can’t hold dead man’s pose, supine on the couch in meditation. a kinetic tug pulls at these tendons and i squirm. i shake my legs to dispel the charge. “all movement is drama,” i am told. "be still." my legs have their own ideas. what if giving in to this stirring now, during my looped breaths, is a way to prevent myself from bolting later? i can’t settle. i curl into fetal as an act of defeat and cry. * the uranus retrograde is causing all sorts of commotion for folks. known as “the planet of rebellion,” uranus is currently trine with venus in my chart and will stay there for the foreseeable future. this is labeled by astrologers as a “challenging, longer-term aspect,” but it’s really a nicer way of saying uranus is here to fuck a bunch of shit up. uranus will not leave retrograde until january 18. the retrograde began on august 18. i know i can’t look to the stars as my answer for guidance, but this aspect concerns “strong restlessness”: a “need for freedom, openness, and excitement,” the search for “new meaning,” and “a strong streak of independence” has the potential to wreak havoc on the “status quo” of my life, especially in relationships. these effects are full swing and i feel the energy move within like a violent pendulum. my body tells me that all i want to do is flee—run from everyone and everything and stay alone with my frantic, feral heart. * when i was seven or eight, i packed up my caboodle with barbie’s and snacks, jelly-rolled my my little pony sleeping bag, and set off with brea to run away. we were going to live beneath the playground of our grade school until our family realized that we weren’t there anymore. brea and i were the babies in a house of four adults. there were times we felt unwanted. there were times we felt ignored. we were latchkey kids who learned to take care of ourselves. i don't know if this makes our attachment style avoidant, anxious, or a combination of these. how all of this translates to my knee-jerk reactions in relationships, from what i can gather: the more i am needed by someone, the more suffocated i feel. yet, paradoxically, the more threatened i feel with rejection, the more i desire to hold on to what i fear i’m about to lose. * sometimes i wonder if this penchant for running away was passed down to me from my mother, who received it from her mother. mom wanted to run away to california and start over at 17, reinvent herself as a stylist to the stars, escape from the traumatic home life and responsibilities she carried on her shoulders since she was eight. she got turned around at the windsor-detroit tunnel by the border agents and she never tried to illegally cross again. grandma worked as a nanny in rome to get away from her familial obligations in molinara. she wanted to be the next sophia loren. but when her brother sammy was immigrating to canada, she was told by her parents she had to go along to protect her younger brother. i ran from windsor when i was 26, the only one in my lineage to leave family. in that time, i’ve created new families; i left one seven years ago. and now my legs have other ideas again. how do you escape what exists in your blood? * my conscious response for the week is supposed to be “i feel safe now.” but i sure as shit don’t. how can i feel safe when i don’t trust myself? how can i feel safe when i am constantly confronted with the reality that i know nothing? every cycle of samsara strikes as regression relived. * i am told that the solution to feeling safe is to stop telling stories about the past, to stop telling stories about one’s current experience. to tell stories is to force meanings on events when we don’t have a full grasp of the emotions linked to those events and our reactions to them. how in the hell does a writer stop telling stories? am i making sense of my experience or making a mess? * the pharcyde loops through my headphones on repeat: “and now that i’m older, stress weighs on my shoulders heavy as boulders.” there is never a point of equilibrium in our lives, it doesn’t exist. “our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness,” pema chödrön writes. is my desire to run the desire to feel the ground beneath my feet, my soles pounding pavement in time with my heart? “can’t keep running away,” pharcyde sings in the chorus, a new mantra of denial. 211026 ... tender_square ("[uranus] wants us to work on our long-term goals, and because it doesn’t change signs for seven years, it gives us ample time to work out the areas of our life that need liberation. like a super-loud and annoying alarm clock, this planet jolts you out of your sleep, causing you to wake up and return to reality." —madi murphy, astrologer https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10633376/uranus-retrograde-august-2021-meaning) 211026 what's it to you? who go blather from