the_truth_about_fyngula_farmfish_and_frank frAnk farmfish fyn gula i am a liar. i am an alcoholic and a drug addict. i am not fyn gula or farmfish or frAnk, but i have deceived you into thinking i was. my deception is spiralling out of control and when i thought i was helping myself, i was only selfish and blind and lifeless, bringing nothing but hurt and pain to my family. i made up a fantasy world that alienated me from the people i love most and when it was discovered it revealed me for the fool i am. the truth is my name is kevin. i am 43 years old. i am a husband to a beautiful woman that i take for granted. we have been married for 23 years. we live on a small farm in pennsylvania called robin hill. we have three daughters almost grown. i am a landscape gardener and have a small clown business. i am sorry for creating this lie and living it out on blue and red blather. i apologize to all i have hurt in this process. learn from my mistake. alcohol and drugs are a trap. they will eventually destroy everything you love and leave you alone with nothing. don't think it won't happen to you. it will. live to be real. be honest with yourself and others. 030727 ... ever dumbening the theme for burning man this year is "beyond belief." i guess i'll have something to ponder this year. certainty is overrated anyway. if, in fact, the above confession is the truth, i almost have _more_ respect (albeit of a somewhat warped nature) for the holy trinity (unity) of robin hill. if, in fact, the above confession is the truth, my heart goes out to you, as i have fought against life and know what an unbelievable struggle it can be. if, in fact, the above confession is the truth, you are prolific, with a frightening gift for words. hopefully those words can be used to weave the three back into one and bring some internal balance and its external manifestations. *** whatever the truth, you sold us something and we bought it—willingly. we are complicit by our very desire. the fantasy. the dream. there is little difference from when we spend ten dollars on something we know cost thirty-five cents to manufacture. i obviously have more room to give you slack. the deception towards me was relatively minor. i imagine other people here (and elsewhere on the web?) were hurt considerably more. i only speak for myself when i say keep writing, keep growing, keep asking. oh, and get some help. ever pondering epistemologically 030727 ... Bespeckled I've always liked all three in separate ways, and now I like the one in many different ways. I don't think you need to be apologetic. I've always liked all of you, and I will continue to like you alone. Please don't apologzie to blather - at least, not to me. Afterall, don't we all have a few names stashed away for those times when we don't feel like ourselves? I myself, have several different names for the several sides of myself. I don't feel cheated or fooled. I'm actually quite thrilled at discovering this new layer. But if you feel that you've hurt certain people, I'm sorry for that, and I hope things are looking brighter for you now that you've chosen to "reveal" yourself. Kisses. 030727 ... x hahaha. hah. i'm laughing through a sore rib cage and a sunburnt face. it's so worth it. frank/farm whatever... they have way too much of a gift for words to lay this all out so bluntly and blame it on "the drugs". i barely care though. i care in that it made me laugh to read this. 030728 ... birdmad / grendel / chiidi / tonya / karasu both before and after i've been more alone and alienated without the drugs than with... but experience is a subjective mistress and i won't paint your experiences with my brush, kevin. Your apology to any of us is not necessary, if anyone has been harmed in the course of this, i don't believe it was any of your readers here in the red and blue spaces. i can't see fit to hold it against you. what you have called out as your lies have been more compelling and heartening to some of us than other people's truths, if it's any consolation to you. make your amends where they will be most dearly needed, but know that your words are as much a drug to some of us that i, for one, hope we'll not be without them. 030728 ... misstree and many others elsewhere fyn, (for it is fyn that i have spoken to, and watched with beauteous awe), i am not a tree. i see no guilt in playing with identity--the freedom is there, to play in and amongst. "an' it harm none, do what ye will." come swing from my branches and sing me songs. and drugs... yes, my dear, they are a trap, some more terrible than others, and any person who wll dance with them must find their own balance or be destroyed, and the latter is far, far more likely. my heart and hope goes out to you on your mountain. if ever you wish an unfamiliar viewpoint or just a quiet ear, i can be found. 030729 ... jane your "mistake" was beautiful 030729 ... jane you are still you you are still beautifully even after being told "the truth" i do not feel deceived ...brilliant 030729 ... amy you're a completely harmless deceiver (to us), much to your credit. now, make sure your real life gets better. there is great great rewards in taking true responsibility. and drugs can be done without drugs, trust me. i am speaking from experience. i hate to say it, but kemulya ain't the answer. much distant internet love. 030730 ... Joana. Pfff!!! 030731 ... ( ... ) i've had many blather alter egos, borne of drugs or otherwise. it's not a thing to be ashamed of. blather isn't here to judge you. as i see, an alter ego on the internet isn't so much a lie as a story. you told good stories. 030804 ... bijou hey yknow, when i first wrote to bobby i gave him the address of one of my friends to write back to and sent pictures that weren't even me because i was paranoid of stalkers and rapists. everybody fakes it sometimes. 030804 ... silentbob i tried creating a new identity once. but no one cared. and daxle exposed it. i don't think anyone even noticed. 030806 ... pilgrim For the first six months or so I had Imagined that Fyn Gulla was A Black Woman from South Carolina... Go figure... 030806 ... Anna_Began Why have we not heard from any of Kevin's identities since this first entry? 030806 ... . it's more than just multiple screen names 030806 ... pilgrim His Neglected Wife is now Demanding Her Fair Share of His Attentions. Or at least that's My Speculation. Any other Guesses? 030807 ... kerry he seems embarrassed. maybe thats why. 030807 ... no reason i still can't believe it. 030807 ... pilgrim He says He was discovered. Certainly not by the Blatherskites, Most likly by His Family. I personally don't find any fault in What He has Done. Multiple enteries are a way to Explore aspects of yourself. I know from personal experience Here That often we expose truths to each other, that we Keep conceled from our spouses and Families. Not the great wrenching Secrets, but things that They feel should have been Shared with them on Principle. I write Here far less Often for similar Reasons. I wish to extend reassurance to the trinity that is Kevin, That everything is All Allright. As far as the drugs and Alcohol... Kick the Demons ass and put it in its Place. Write again when You Can. Feel free to call yourself By Any and All Names that seem to work. We Love You Guys! 030808 ... o o x o o this is so fucked up 030826 ... youla most of us have a discriminating eye. you were channeling your spirit and nobody is going to complain about that. i was frankly worried about affame's events, though. i thought all was not well. but what can a silly reader and internet buddy do? not much... it's all you. you'll come out of this better in some way, as we all will. 030826 ... unhinged yes, kevin, our story on blue misses you. get well dear. 030827 ... jinx It's a little odd with them/him around...I miss the blanks with farmfish.. 030921 ... jinx My goodness...that came out of my fingers completely wrong... without It's odd without... And anyway-I had another blather id for a bit at blue-while I kept girl_jane and jinx here at red... 030921 ... ClairE As I was idly blathering about I ran into this blathe. I think everyone has expressed what needs to be said most beautifully, and I am wishing with my being you can take the truth of their words into your heart. After reading this, I can say I have a favorite blatherer. Thank you for coming to us, Kevin, not because you were hurting us otherwise, but because this entire blathe proves to me that people are truly good, and souls can transcend names and intertwine in the spirit and beauty of words. Good luck with everything. 031016 ... not meant to make sense honesty on a board made of red represents more than a rapper named Dread. ***** what could be finer than a forty-niner covered in chicken pox whilst standing atop his soap box? ***** Kill me now oh please Jesus (Hey Zeus!) kill me now. I seem unable to not type this meaningless post. let me die, oh... let me die. ********** What do you call a man with one leg? I suppose whatever his name is. Fin 050208 what's it to you? who go blather from