confession DammitJanet you're the first one i've ever told. i may have blabbed it on a drunken night to drunken patrons, but in that state it's never real. but i told you. i told someone. and today i feel better. it was the one thing in my life that i was truly ashamed of. that i even concidered it. that i was capable of it, even at such a young age and being so silent and nervous. for some reason things are already looking better. the weight has been lifted and i can move on. and there's only room for improvement. without you, i couldn't have done any of this. thank you. thank god for you. 030410 ... DammitJanet i'm no longer feeling better. now i'm just pissed off. 030411 ... DammitJanet there's still so much that i can never confess things no one can forgive me for and it's not so much that i really need to confess them these things are mine, and mine alone i'm almost proud that i have them and that the list is growing i've been a bad, bad girl 030503 ... drifter it's funny how some of the things we did when we were little, that made sense at the time, are the hardest to confess. I never told you what I used to do, when things seemed like they would never get better, because I am so ashamed of dropping that low. but also because it's such a big thing for me to say out loud and I'm scared that you won't realize 120228 ... antonio bandaras i am a woman. 120229 ... Soma I woke up at midnight and ate two 100g cans of mushroom pieces and stems, still cold as the pantry, then drank the liquid like it was a shot of alcohol. 240110 ... Jus I'm jealous of the version of me that rested in the winter. I don't know how well I function in any season, if I'm being honest. But winter is when I hibernate, rot, indulge in the comfort of my bed. That version of me is back there, in 2020, cozied up next to a clanky radiator watching Marvel movies and drinking coffee too late at night. Alone but it's okay because everyone else is in quarantine. Alex is in the other room. Arya's in her arms. She shamelessly eats left over Christmas cakes and cookies and mashed potatoes. She can fall asleep if she wants to. Paint a ceramic house bubblegum pink for no reason. Doodle in her journal. It's a death. And it's a birth. We call it "hard bliss" but I really just want to say it's hard. It's not just this unrelenting obligation to do things that aren't what I want to do...it's getting older. Seeing the world you once knew age with you, only it's older, and it's dying too. The whole world is no longer in front of me, it's crushing me, because it's my turn to carry it. "I know what I have to do, I just don't know if I have the strength to do it." 250111 what's it to you? who go blather from