johnny's_big_adventure johnny west [Friday, May 4, 2001] JOHNNY WEST IS IN BED. HE IS SLEEPING. HIS ALARM WAKES HIM UP. JOHNNY: Shit. My alarm just woke me up. I will now go back to sleep for forty-five minutes. HE DOES. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER, JOHNNY WEST SENIOR ENTERS HIS BEDROOM. JW SENIOR: Hi. I’m going to work now. Try not to be late for school. JOHNNY: I’ll only sleep for eight more minutes. Bye. JW SENIOR LEAVES, AND JOHNNY GOES BACK TOO SLEEP FOR EIGHT MINUTES. THEN HE WAKES UP. JOHNNY: Shit. I should get up now. HE GETS UP, EATS, GETS DRESSED, CLEANS HIMSELF AND WALKS TO HIS SCHOOL/SHITHOLE. HE WALKS TO THE CAFETERIA, AND INTO A SECRET ROOM THEREIN, WHERE HIS DRAMA CLASS IS HELD. MR. LEWSAW IS ADDRESSING THE CLASS. MR. LEWSAW: Hi. I am your drama teacher. I am also a lazy piece of shit. Since I am a lazy piece of shit, we will not do any work today. Instead, we will watch Brock’s video he made for his English class. VERONICA: It’s SOOOOOO funny! It’s hilarious! BROCK: No it isn’t. MR. LEWSAW: Let’s watch it and find out. HE POPS IN THE TAPE, AND WE SEE BROCK’S FRIEND GLEN KNOCKING ON STRANGERS’ DOORS AND READING LINES FROM MACBETH. THE SOUND IS DISTORTED AND MUFFLED, SO NO ONE IS ABLE TO MAKE OUT ANY OF THE WORDS. MOST OF THE CLASS: We can’t understand any of the words. Therefore, this must be an incredibly funny video. Hahahahaha! Oh my God! That’s so funny! Glen is knocking on some guy’s door! And he’s reading lines from Macbeth! Hahahaha! JOHNNY: This isn’t funny at all. It’s a piece of shit. VERONICA: There’s more! Brock did a top ten list thing, and it’s hilarious! WE SEE BROCK AND HIS FRIEND MAX IN MAX’S BASEMENT. MAX HAS TAKEN ON THE ROLE OF PAUL SCHAFFER, STANDING BEHIND A KEYBOARD AND LOOKING SILLY. BROCK HAS TAKEN ON THE ROLE OF DAVID LETTERMAN. THE TWO OF THEM IMPROVISE SOME STUPID DIALOGUE FOR TWENTY MINUTES, AND WE STILL CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD THEY SAY. MOST OF THE CLASS: This is even more funny than Glen walking around and being stupid! Brock is sitting at a desk! And saying something! And Max is Paul Schaffer! Hahahahaha! JOHNNY: You are all idiots. I’m not paying attention to this shit anymore. HE GOES TO SLEEP FOR TWENTY MINUTES. THEN, MIRACULOUSLY, THE VIDEO ENDS. JOHNNY REJOICES. MR. LEWSAW: Well, Brock, I expected more from you. You can do a lot better than that. BROCK: I told you it wasn’t funny!!! MR. LEWSAW Okay. Um, now you can all get into your video project groups - you do have to do a video for this class too, you know - and pretend to do some work. THE CLASS DOES THIS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE PERIOD. THE PERIOD ENDS. JOHNNY: Yay. Now I get to go to English class and watch Brock’s video again. Plus, I get to present my own video, which is much shorter. Two of my group members are not here, but I know that Christina and I will do just fine on our own. CUT TO THE ENGLISH CLASS. CHRISTINA: Hi. I lost my voice. JOHNNY: This is great. MRS. BROAD: Hi. I am your dumb bitch English teacher. Christina, you can present your part on Monday. Richard and Christine already presented their parts this morning. Johnny - you can show the video and pretend to talk about your part of the assignment. JOHNNY: Whoop-de-fucking-do. AFTER WATCHING THE OTHER PRESENTATIONS, IT IS JOHNNY’S TURN TO ENTERTAIN THE CLASS. JOHNNY: Hey. My group’s fucked. Let me tell you all about it. Oh, and we have a video to show you too. Here. Watch. Enjoy. THE CLASS DOES. JOHNNY: Wow. That was exciting. Now I will tell you about the importance of the witches in Macbeth. I will do so in a conversational style, much like the way I normally talk. Instead of reading robotically from a piece of paper, I will actually be talking to you! I am so slick. THE CLASS AGREES, APPLAUDING. SOME GIRL: Wow. You were, like, the best in the class. JOHNNY: Thanks. But, since there aren’t any sexual undertones lurking beneath your praise, I have to go now. Bye. SOME GIRL: Shit. I should have, like, taken my clothes off. JOHNNY MEETS UP WITH HIS FRIENDS GORD AND AMANDA OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL. GORD: Hi. I am Gord, your good friend and fellow musician. Today we will play in the Air Jam, our school’s shitty version of a talent show. AMANDA: Hi. I am Amanda, Gord’s ex-girlfriend. We just broke up again. But I still like him. In fact, if he hadn’t told you that we broke up, you probably wouldn’t know. JOHNNY: Uh...yeah. Where’s Andrew, another friend and fellow musician of ours? GORD: I told him to be here at noon, and to meet us in front of the school. JOHNNY: What time is it now? AMANDA: Ten after. JOHNNY: Shit. Well, let’s go back to my place and get our equipment. Then we’ll go back into the school, and see what’s going on in the auditorium. After all, the show doesn’t start until 1:30. THEY WALK TO JOHNNY’S PLACE, GRAB THEIR EQUIPMENT AND RETURN TO SCHOOL. THEY ENTER THE AUDITORIUM. CHRISTIAN: Hey. I am your friend, and I am also partially in charge of this poorly organized show. Why don’t you guys tune up while some asshole bangs on the drums and prevents you from being able to hear yourselves tune up? JOHNNY and GORD: Okay. ENTER ANDREW. ANDREW: Hey. I am alive. JOHNNY: Praise Jesus! ANDREW: Can I take a piss? JOHNNY: Hell yeah. Just hurry back. ANDREW LEAVES TO TAKE A PISS, AND JOHNNY BREAKS A STRING WHILE TUNING. JOHNNY: Shit! Fuck! Cunt! Whore! Motherfucking crosskicking whore! GORD: You broke a string? JOHNNY: Yep. Since no one here has any extra strings, I must run home and see if I have any. HE EXITS THE SCHOOL, ONLY TO FIND ANDREW OUTSIDE TALKING WITH THE VICE-PRINCIPAL, MR. ANTAYA. THE LOOK ON ANDREW’S FACE TELLS HIM SOMETHING IS WRONG. ANDREW: Dude! He won’t let me back in the school! JOHNNY: What the fuck’s going on?! MR. ANTAYA: Hi. I am the vice-principal. I hate you because you are younger and better looking than me, and you also have less trouble maintaining an erection. JOHNNY: I know that! What the fuck’s going on?! MR. ANTAYA: Oh. (TO ANDREW) I have two names on the list. Yours isn’t one of them. Leave now, or I will call the police and have you arrested. (TO JOHNNY) And what are you doing? JOHNNY: I broke a string. I have to run home to get another one. MR. ANTAYA: Well, make it quick. MR. ANTAYA LEAVES TO ATTEMPT TO MASTURBATE. ANDREW: What the fuck?! I took a piss and went to go back into the auditorium, and he was there at the door saying I couldn’t go back in. He kicked me out of the school! JOHNNY: Come with me back to my place. We’ll figure something out. BACK AT JOHNNY’S PLACE. JW SENIOR: Hi. I am here. JOHNNY: All this crazy shit’s been happening, and I need an extra guitar string. JW SENIOR: I’ll drive you to Long & McQuade. JOHNNY: Okay. JW SENIOR, JOHNNY AND ANDREW DRIVE TO LONG & MCQUADE AND BUY A FEW NEW ELECTRIC GUITAR STRINGS. THEN THEY DRIVE BACK TO THE SCHOOL. JOHNNY: It’s 1:00. Now we’ll have time for a two-second sound check. Yay. ANDREW: Dude! How am I supposed to get back into the school? JW SENIOR: I’ll go in with you. If Mr. Antaya gives us any trouble, we’ll beat the shit out of him. JOHNNY: Works for me. WHILE JW SENIOR PARKS THE CAR, JOHNNY AND ANDREW MEET UP WITH GORD AND AMANDA. GORD: Where the fuck were you?! JOHNNY: It’s a long story. Mr. Antaya tried to fuck everything up by not letting Andrew back into the auditorium and threatening to have him arrested and I had to pick up some more guitar strings and now we have to try to get Andrew back into the auditorium...I think that pretty much explains it. GORD: Okay. THE FOUR OF THEM ENTER THE SCHOOL, AND MEET UP WITH THEIR BUDDY STEVE. STEVE: Hey Andrew. Come with me to the office. I will sign you in. Then you will be safe from the wrath of that fuckhead Antaya. ANDREW: Cool. JOHNNY: Once again, praise Jesus! JOHNNY AND GORD ENTER THE AUDITORIUM. EVENTUALLY, ANDREW RETURNS AS WELL. THEN THEY SEE TYSON. TYSON: Hey, fellow friends and musicians. I am your drummer. I will now hug you for no reason and scare the shit out of you. HE HUGS JOHNNY. JOHNNY: You just scared the shit out of me. TYSON: I know. Let’s do a sixty-second sound check now. THEY DO, ALTHOUGH JOHNNY’S GUITAR IS CURRENTLY A FIVE-STRING AND HIS MICROPHONE ISN’T WORKING. JOHNNY: Wow. We are going to rock. CHRISTIAN: All right. Everybody clear out. To the back hall, everyone! EVERYBODY GOES TO THE BACK HALL. JOHNNY SITS DOWN AND SPENDS THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES PAINSTAKINGLY CONVERTING HIS GUITAR INTO A SIX-STRING AGAIN, AND TRYING TO TUNE IT UP. JOHNNY: I did it! Hot shit! ENTER KRISTIN. KRISTIN: Hi. I am also sort of in charge of the show. Oh yeah; it’s 1:30. The show is starting. JOHNNY: We’re act ten, so we’ve got a bit of time before we go on. KRISTIN LEAVES. ENTER CLIFF. CLIFF: Hey. I’m Gord’s brother. I also look a bit like Iggy Pop. JOHNNY: Hey Cliff. It’s me, Johnny West. CLIFF: You’ve got more hair now! I didn’t recognize you. You look like that guy from the Ramones that died. What’s his name? Um... JOHNNY: Joey Ramone? CLIFF: Yeah! Joey Ramone! Or some evil reincarnation of Jim Morrison. JOHNNY: Uh...thanks, I guess. TIME PASSES. CHRISTIAN: Okay. We’re at act nine. You guys should come into the wings. You’re going on soon. JOHNNY: Aaaah! Shit! Now I’m nervous! JOHNNY, GORD, ANDREW AND TYSON DO A GROUP CHEER. ALL: Whoa...boobies!!! THEN THEY WAIT IN THE WINGS FOR THE NINTH ACT TO FINISH. SOME GIRL STOPS SINGING, AND IT IS TIME FOR THEM TO PERFORM. ANDREW: Shit! I lost my pick! Oh, wait. There it is. JOHNNY: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Hey. I’m not nervous anymore. Cool. JOHNNY, GORD, ANDREW AND TYSON WALK ONSTAGE. THE AUDIENCE CHEERS. JOHNNY BLOWS INTO THE MICROPHONE. IT WORKS NOW. HE PLUGS HIS GUITAR IN AND THEN ACCIDENTALLY UNPLUGS IT. CHRISTIAN PLUGS IT IN AGAIN. JOHNNY: Okay. Last year I went psycho and made a huge speech about being pissed off, but this year I won’t do that. So...this is a happy song for happy people. THE BAND PLAYS “BE SORRY”, WHICH IS ABOUT AS FAR FROM A HAPPY SONG AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY GET. JOHNNY USES HIS ANGER AND GOES NUTS. NEAR THE END OF THE SONG, HE IMPROVISES AND SCREAMS STUFF LIKE “I HATE YOU” AND “I’LL KILL YOU”. THEN HE JUMPS UP AND DOWN LIKE A GERBIL WITH RABIES, HURLING HIS GUITAR ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE SONG ENDS, AND THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. JOHNNY HOLDS HIS GUITAR AS AN EXTENSION OF HIS PENIS, AND THEY ALL WALK OFFSTAGE. JOHNNY: Wow. That was fun. CLIFF: Hey - let’s go watch some hot chicks dance. JOHNNY: Okay. JOHNNY, GORD, ANDREW, TYSON AND CLIFF RE-ENTER THE AUDITORIUM AND WATCH SOME OF THE PERFORMERS. AFTER THE DANCERS, THEY SEE STEVE KOKANOS WALK ONSTAGE. STEVE: Yo. I will pretend to be cool, even though you all know I am a dork. I will also pretend I know how to sing and rap, when really I have no musical talent whatsoever. Here I go. Listen to my beautiful voice. I am a GOD. ONE MINUTE INTO HIS SONG, THE LIGHTS AND SOUND GO OUT. HE IS CUT OFF. AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Koke! Koke! Koke! Koke! JOHNNY: (SCREAMING) Shut the fuck up!!! CHRISTIAN WALKS ONSTAGE. CHRISTIAN: Hi. It’s my band’s turn to play a song now. STEVE: Wait! I must raise my fist and pretend I am cool some more! CHRISTIAN: Get off the stage, you goof. HE PUSHES STEVE OFFSTAGE. CHRISTIAN’S BAND PLAYS, OTHER PEOPLE PLAY, AND THE VOCALS ARE NEVER LOUD ENOUGH. THE TECH PEOPLE ARE FUCKING EVERYONE OVER. THEN, MAX’S BAND WALKS ONSTAGE. MAX: Hi. I’m Max. You might remember me from Brock’s brilliant video for his English class. Anyway, we’re closing the show. I will scream now. Aaaaaaaaah! THEY KICK INTO “TODAY” BY THE SMASHING PUMPKINS. AGAIN, NONE OF THE WORDS ARE CLEAR. MAX LOSES HIS PICK. TYSON POINTS OUT TO HIM WHERE IT IS. THINGS ARE REALLY HEATING UP. THEN THE SONG IS OVER. PEOPLE ARE LEAVING. MAX: Wait! Here’s a punk version of the theme from Cheers! Oy! Oy! Oy! THEY PLAY A PUNK VERSION OF THE THEME FROM CHEERS WHILE MOST OF THE AUDIENCE FILTERS OUT OF THE AUDITORIUM. ISAAC: I am the band’s drummer. This sucks. I will stop playing now. MAX: I will scream into the microphone some more for no reason. Aaaaaah! CHRISTIAN: Okay. You guys are done. EVERYBODY COLLECTS THEIR EQUIPMENT, AND JOHNNY IS SPOTTED BY MR. LEWSAW. MR. LEWSAW: Hey Johnny. I really felt the love in that song. JOHNNY: Oh yeah. It was for you, you know. You’re my muse. Take off your clothes, baby. I want you right here, on the stage. MR. LEWSAW: I will run away now. HE RUNS AWAY. JOHNNY SMILES AND CONTINUES PACKING UP HIS EQUIPMENT. THEN HE LEAVES THE SCHOOL, WITH HIS BAND MEMBERS HEADING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE: Wow. You guys were great! Was that an original? JOHNNY: Yes. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE: Awesome! You were the best in the show! JOHNNY: I wouldn’t say that, but thanks anyway. And, since I don’t think there are any sexual undertones lurking beneath your praise, I have to go now and drink some alcohol. Bye. HE CONTINUES LEAVING. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE: Shit. We should have thrown ourselves at him and showered him with passionate kisses. JOHNNY GOES HOME, DRINKS ALCOHOL AND THANKS GOD THE DAY IS OVER. 010505 ... kinkazoid thats a pretty cool story did you make it up? 010612 ... johnny west No. Some of the dailogue was spiced up a little, and I left out some of the less exciting parts, but most of what's there is pretty much as it happened. 010614 ... kinkazoid i enjoyed that story very much..will you write another? 010616 ... Photophobe_in_red That was pretty entertaining :) 010617 ... johnny west Thank you both! As for writing another, I guess it depends on whether something that exciting happens to me again. I'm sure there'll be another adventure eventually and, when it occurs, I'll post it here. 010618 ... kinkazoid i cant wait!! is not being sarcastic 010618 what's it to you? who go blather from