sadistic_irony Sonya Sometimes I wonder why it is that often times one person will pine for someone they cannot have, and not care about the person that is right in front of their face. What makes people so utterly insensitive and inconsiderate? People want what they can't have. This is the cruel nature of human desire. Love is not love if it is not truly felt and believed. We can say the words "I love you" but it doesn't mean a damn thing if the person who is supposedly "loved" does not feel that love. People can sculpt words into lies to appease those around them and we often say things to make ourselves appear "better" than we truly are. For some of us, we try to hide the ugly monster that is within. And some people just don't get it. Some people just don't understand how their action or inaction can truly damage someone for life. They fail to comprehend just how much trust they have literally spat on and shattered through lies, selfishness, and every other horrible act that we do when we're supposedly "in love". I will never get it back. I will not be able to wrap it up with new giftwrap and stick a new bow on something that cannot be recovered. I guess there is a time for regrets afterall. Karma rules the world darling. Everyone reaps what they sow, and Fate lays out punishments as she sees fit. Live with it. the tired feline 050825 ... IGG agrees with every apt word. 050826 ... crOwl writing like this can only be done when it is lived through. whoa. well done. 050826 ... Sonya Sometimes we live through something physically, but emotionally we are beyond destroyed. People use other people and spit on their dreams and expect to be forgiven at the drop of a hat and have nothing bad fall upon them for their deceitful actions. It just cannot work this way. Karma rules all. 050826 ... unhinged 'tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace' --- coldplay feigning_innocence you_are_a_stone_on_my_chest the fact was well known to me when it first began. guys don't date chicks that give it up with in the first few times of meeting them. guys don't want to date easy girls. they just want to fuck them. but on the tail end of the longest period of celibacy since i lost my virginity (and when i say celibacy i mean absolutely no human contact whatsoever), i told myself i didn't care. he was even pining after some chick that was with him the first time i met him. but she had to go back to colorado or somewhere near there and to make matters worse for him, she just wanted to be friends. longdistancefriendship is the only kind of relationship human beings seem willing to endure from a distance. so when i let him take topless pictures of me with another girl, when the three of us rolled around on the bed together, i knew that was all i would ever be good for. pictures, moaning, deviance. but i told myself that was okay. that i could play the game too. that i didn't care that's all he wanted me for because that's all i wanted him for. as the weeks went by, maybe it was my unwillingness in bed. maybe it was my unwillingness to let him come to my place and then my apparent anger when he told me to put my clothes on so he could take me home. maybe he could tell i thought of someone else, even though i only knew them by voice, when he tried so hard, too hard, to get me to shudder the way i used to. even though we both looked each other in the face when i came back after winter break saying 'i don't want to date anyone' , i guess there were differing reasons as to why. by then the sneeking hope that me and him could maybe be friends, even though by the second night i met him i knew i would only ever be a fuck_puppet, had entered my head. hope, damn it to hell. shattering logic and reason, i take hope ultimately in any situation. but considering the abusive patterns of most of my sexlife before him, it could have been some subconcious choice to keep it that way that let me fool myself into being satisfied with my role in his life. eventually, i couldn't ignore him ignoring me anymore. he would spend the time he used to spend with me at the bar getting me drunk enough to shut the hell up in bed going after more enticing and boastworthy fucks. (maybe they were only enticing because i had turned him the cold shoulder in bed. first, denying him anything and then finally denying myself anything) the thing that sent me into the worst of the depression i suffered as a result of this relationship wasn't the fact that he abandoned me for skinnier, prettier girls. i was more than accustomed to that. it was the fact that when they left him there, like they always did when i tried not to cast evil stares their way, he came back to me expecting me to fill the hole that they had created. and that he couldn't comprehend why i might be made at that fact. but i internalized my anger because i didn't want to be a hypocrite. i had chased others under his nose. but i wanted different things from those attempts and i would leave him at the end of the night. (maybe his apparent settling was more symptomatic of his problems and not my inferiority, but i internalize.) maybe the whole thing was a subconcious flexing of my selfhate impulse. combined with the fact that i felt the farthest away from the two most important boys in my life and didn't need or want any more attachment like that in my life. and once again all logic and reason abandon me and i would rather get someone to use me when i can't get them to love me. which always inevitably sends me into a tailspin of depression that becomes harder to survive everytime i encounter it. 'you do it to yourself you do and that's what really hurts' --- radiohead 050827 ... jimmyjoe corndog i told her something today. i suppose in the back of my heart i always wanted to..hell who am i kidding? i wrote about it, thought about it. but after i told her, i felt..a great weight lifted from my shoulders. i felt hope again for the very first time in a very long time. hope to have something returned, that ive always had to offer, a real connection. when i felt that, hope, that spark, suddenly, there was a song. and with that, the apprehension eased. im still terrified on one level, but so sure on another. coffee song there have been times in my life when i wasnt sure which way to take this road or that is that a fact? is that what everyones telling me? and when i stop and think about the times when i was lonely fantasy nights of sharing time less coldly then you remove all doubt with what youre telling me would you like to know my heart? could i confide in you? right here beneath the evening's stars? wat u wanna do? could i bum a little laughter? wile away the morning after being here with you? would you like to spend the time learning just enough to maybe read between the lines? (well that and other stuff) how about a little laughter? things to make our hearts beat faster far beyond the touch of whispers after dusk? thereve been times in my life when i wasnt sure which moments slipped away would ever reappear but they just reappeared... whod have thought they'd ever come? 050827 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl maybe it's just masochistic_irony 051018 ... Zeb a cousin to cruel truth and brutal honesty 051018 what's it to you? who go blather from